"I swear there were like three or four days where I think I only got out of bed to pee," Ariana Madix told Lisa Vanderpump

By Michele Corriston
January 14, 2020 10:00 PM
Credit: Aaron Poole/E! Entertainment/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty

Ariana Madix is learning that “having it all” doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness.

On Tuesday’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, the 34-year-old was living her best life. She’d been able to stop working as a bartender at SUR, she and boyfriend Tom Sandoval had just bought their very first house, and they’d finished writing their cocktail book, Fancy AF. But finding herself bored at home, she approached a confused Lisa Vanderpump about returning to SUR for a few shifts now and then to keep busy.

After squashing their beef over comments Ariana had made last season, Lisa said she’d think about the request — and broached the topic of the couple’s new home, asking why they hadn’t decorated it yet. Ariana sighed.

“A couple months ago, when we first moved into the house, I swear there were like three or four days where I think I only got out of bed to pee, because I just felt like … maybe like my life had been building up to this, like, really wonderful moment, and then it happened, and I realized, like, I’m still me,” she revealed.

“That sounds like you’re not happy with yourself,” Lisa offered.

“Well, I know that I’m not,” Ariana replied.

In a confessional interview, she explained that she’d been feeling empty despite all of her success.

“I had these, like, big, huge life goals that I have achieved, like the house, the book. And I thought that was gonna fix me,” she told the camera. “But it didn’t change who I am, and this undercurrent, this depression, is, I’m realizing, probably always going to be a part of me and a part of my life.”

Back at the table with Lisa, she admitted, “I think I need to be medicated.”

“Are you depressed?” Lisa asked. “Is that how you’re feeling?”

“I have been for a very long time,” Ariana confessed.

That resonated with Lisa, who mourned the loss of her brother, Mark Vanderpump, after he died of suicide in May 2018. As she grieved, she fell out with her friends on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills over the “PuppyGate” drama, ultimately quitting that reality show.

“I experienced it a lot last year when I lost my brother. Nothing made sense to me,” Lisa told Ariana. “But you can do it. You’ve got this. You can rise to the challenge.”

“I’ll get there,” Ariana agreed.

“If I can do it, you can do it,” Lisa encouraged her. “Come on. Don’t doubt yourself. Let others do that for you.”

This wasn’t Ariana’s first raw moment on the series. Last season, she opened up about her fluid sexuality after being outed over a hookup with costar Lala Kent, and the year prior, she revealed she’d been in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship before dating Tom, 36. Plus, she’s been candid on social media about undergoing surgery to remove cancer.

Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesdays (9 p.m. ET) on Bravo.