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January 29, 2016 09:30 AM

Over two years after Tori Spelling‘s husband Dean McDermott‘s cheating scandal, the reality star is opening up about how she handled it – and her decision to document the process of working through it with him on television.

In a lengthy interview with Lena Dunham for the Girls star’s newsletter, Lenny Letter, Spelling, 42, explained she chose to document her life with McDermott after his infidelity on True Tori because she “felt backed into a corner.”

“Like I didn’t have a choice. Everything about me was stripped away with one magazine cover. That was it,” she said.

“I always say I can replay everything that happened during that time,” she continued. “The hardest part about it was, like, ‘You’re really going to put this on the cover of the magazine three days before Christmas? It’s Christmas. It’s family. I know we’re in Hollywood, and I know we put a lot of ourselves out there, but really, we do this?’ ”

The daughter of late TV mogul Aaron Spelling, former Beverly Hills, 90210 star and reality show fixture said that, after the reports came out, she “didn’t know what to do” since she had lived so much of her life in the public eye.

“This wasn’t going away. Everyone said, ‘This happens all the time. Look at all the A-list celebrities. They used to complain about it. Then they go on and do a big movie, and it just goes away.’ That’s not my life,” she said. “That’s not my relationship with my fans. I’m not the type that can just go from talking about everything and then it’s like, ‘No personal questions,’ the next time I do something.”

As for whether McDermott, 49, resisted putting it all on television, Spelling said while she did run it by him, it was ultimately her decision.

“This was affecting me on many levels, not just the personal level. This is my career; this is, I hate saying it, my brand,” she said. “All the lines blurred at that point. … If he had been adamant that he didn’t want to do it, I would not have done it. I would have respected that.”

But according to Spelling, her husband “just said, ‘Do what you have to do.’ ”

“He was at that point where he just was at the lowest point. He was in rehab, and he was just like, ‘I f—ed up. I’ll do whatever I have to do to maintain our relationship,’ ” she said.

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Throughout the rest of the interview, Spelling opened up about everything from her career struggles after 90210 to her family life. (She has four kids with McDermott: Liam, 8, Stella, 7, Hattie, 4, and Finn, 3. McDermott also has a son, Jack, 17, from a previous marriage.)

“[NoTORIous] was initially made for NBC,” Spelling recalled of her VH1 comedy. “They picked up My Name Is Earl instead. I remember getting that news at the Kentucky Derby with Tara Reid in the stall next to me. I was like, ‘My life is really f—ed. It’s not moving forward.’ She’s like, ‘Are you Okay?’ I was like, ‘Don’t touch me. Sure, I’ll go have a shot with you.’ ”

“I created that because I literally was so sick of going on auditions and having producers say, ‘She’s really great, but we just can’t get past the fact that she’s Tori Spelling,’ ” she added. “It felt like I couldn’t do anything right.”

Now, though, it’s a little less reality TV and a little more mommy duty, and Spelling admits that protecting her kids – especially her daughters – in Hollywood is “hard.”

“I don’t know the right thing. I’m learning as I’m going,” she said. “I have no filter, and I am like that at home. I have to watch myself. In our house, we talk about everything, really no holds barred. People are obsessed with me getting my breast implants removed because they’re recalled and expired. [My daughter Stella overheard] and said, ‘Huh, your boobs aren’t real?’ I was like, ‘Oh my God.’ It was like Santa Claus. I didn’t know what to do.”

Spelling continued, “Her world was just shattered. It hit me hard, and I felt so guilty. I thought, I can’t believe it. Why was I even talking about getting my breast implants removed in True Tori? I shouldn’t have been talking about that. I explained it to her, and she was fine. Now she asks questions.”

The star – who has had a rocky and sometimes estranged relationship with her own mother, Candy Spelling – went on to explain that she made a “conscious effort” when it came to her daughters: “I just reminded myself every day I’m not my mom.”

“Now, I feel like Stella and I have this amazing relationship where we’re just always holding hands and we’re holding each other and touching, and I love it,” she said. “Then I have Hattie, who’s 4 and tells me she hates me every day, and then it starts all over again.”

As for what’s up next, Spelling said this time, she wants to get on the other side of the camera.

“I don’t want to be out there talking about my life and showing my life,” she said. “I want to be creating for other people and bringing them up the way I saw my dad do so much for so many other people. I haven’t been able to do that because I’m so busy having to prove myself that I have to put myself in front. I don’t want to be in front anymore. I want to be behind.”

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