The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Bubbies at the Borgata
Just when you thought The Real Housewives of New Jersey had turned into a Dateline special on Danielle Staub‘s alleged criminal past, Bravo dolled out a heaping portion of Dina, who made two references to her “chuckie” within the first minutes of Tuesday’s episode (exhibit A: “If I bend over in this dress, my chuckie is out for everyone to see;” and exhibit B: Of daughter Lexi “She came out of me”).
At the episode’s outset, the Manzo sisters, Caroline and Dina, and Teresa, donning bedazzled tunics, escaped to Atlantic City for some R ‘n’ R (retail and rum cocktails). Their jaunt was an ill-fated attempt to escape drama-magnet Danielle, who, while desperately lonely herself, was never far from their thoughts. “If I wanted to be the b—- Danielle claims I am, I would have frickin’ taken her mugshot and stapled it on every telephone pole from here to Atlantic City,” Dina declared, denying she was the one who sullied Danielle’s reputation.
Thankfully, the AC trio was soon distracted by Teresa’s thirst for baubles and bubbies. Lusting after C-cups like a starving infant, the mother of three began her TMI tirade by revealing that she longs to wear lingerie for her stocky hubby Joey “even though it comes off in two seconds,” she said, adding, “I want to put on shows for my husband. I’m even thinking of getting a pole in my bedroom.” This from the woman who claims to be so disgusted with Danielle’s alleged stripper past?
Exasperated not by Teresa’s hypocrisy but by her impractical packing job, Dina delivered this backhanded compliment: “I would love to have Teresa’s brain for one day,” she smiled. “She’s so carefree — it’s like she never has any stress.” One could balk at such a dig — until Teresa earns it by referring to foreplay as “pre-play” en route to her bubbie augmentation.
Back in Franklin Lakes, Jacqueline and her teen daughter Ashley clashed at a tension-filled photo shoot, while Danielle cut the (smirking, but clearly devastated) Steve loose from their romantic entanglement. Their tearful parting took place at the roadside Oakland Diner — a location that felt eerily like a dive The Sopranos‘ Christopher Moltisanti might visit after an AA meeting. It was a far cry from Izakaya, where Dina clinked mojitos with her girls and later observed (yes, in reference to bubbies, but apropos for the show in general), “When you go big, it’s a fine line between tasteful and tacky.” Truer words were never spoken!
The episode also provided some genuinely unsettling moments, from Joey’s strong-arming Teresa into getting larger implants than she desired, to Christine, Danielle’s 14-year-old daughter, world-wearily explaining to her mother that all men are only after her “goodies.” And following in the footsteps of some of her costars, Dina’s cat Grandma Wrinkle was dressed up in a flashy, ill-fitting outfit — but only she had the sense to look embarrassed. — Suzanne Zuckerman
Tell us: Was Joey wrong to make Teresa get C-cups? Is Danielle too open with her daughters?Andrei Jackamets/Bravo