The Hills Finale: The Speidi Marriage That Wasn't
This season of The Hills ended just the way it began – full of drama! The finale included yet another awkward Lauren-Heidi run-in, another grammatically incorrect relationship evaluation between Audrina and Justin Bobby, and another heated debate between Spencer and his mother-in-law (or is she?). And, how can we avoid it, Heidi and Spencer’s wedding ruse.
Mama Mia: Speidi came home from Cabo and was confronted by Heidi’s mom Darlene about the quickie nuptials. Spencer, with his Chia beard in full effect, and her mother sat in silence at the apartment until Heidi got home from work. Heidi was surprised to see her and when asked how Mexico went (even though her mom obviously came over because she had heard what went down and didn’t need to fish for the answer), Heidi immediately copped to getting married with the help of “a couple of margaritas and a beautiful sunset.” Her mom deadpanned, “That’s all it took? You wanted to have a big traditional fairy-tale wedding.”
Heidi barked back, “Yeah I also wanted to be a princess.” She claimed she was happy with the decision and that she didn’t want her mom to be upset by it. “How can I not be upset? You chose to elope. It affects a lot of . A lot of have been hurt very deeply by this. It is also a mother’s dream to be a part of her daughter’s wedding. I feel excluded from your life,” her mom complained.
Heidi tried to defend her actions with a double negative. “I can’t not live my life worrying about everyone else all the time. It’s not something we planned. It was spur of the moment.” Then her mom questioned the legality and they informed her that they’d be going to City Hall the next day to seal the deal. Spencer smartly kept his mouth shut, but there were some very telling sighs and eye twitches.
She tried her case again the next morning when she caught Spencer alone in the apartment. She was more aggressive this time. “I know you manipulated and plotted this whole wedding. You know it’s not what Heidi wanted. It is just too fast and too much. You are not putting first Heidi first. I can’t let you go to the courthouse and make this legal.”
Spencer stood firm and got a little nastier in tone as the conversation went on. “Heidi’s my wife and we’re gonna be married for the rest of our lives and you need to accept that.” Then he added the final nail to the coffin by reminding her that after a trip to the courthouse, she’d be his mom too.
Black Ties That Bind: Bolthouse was throwing a formal event to open their new hotel property in Los Angeles. When he asked the girls about what they did on their vacation, Heidi spilled the beans about her betrothal. Her boss and her coworker were shocked and didn’t seem too thrilled with the idea. She again explained that alcohol greased the wheels.
Lauren and Lo planned to attend the event. Lo wondered if LC planned to talk to Heidi at the event and when LC responded no, she then inquired whether LC missed her. LC responded, “It’s so sad but the main reason that we don’t get along hasn’t changed. I’m sure she misses having friends period. I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her and I don’t know how to do anything in between.”
At the party, Heidi lamented that her quasi-hubby couldn’t be with her because he was banned by Brent at Bolthouse Productions. But her two sisters were in the house to keep her company. They suddenly caught LC in their cross hairs. Heidi wondered if she should say, “Hi.” On the other end of the patio, LC and Lo were having the same debate. LC straight up didn’t feel the need to be polite, but the She-Pratt encouraged Heidi. “They’re at your event. They knew they’d run into you.” Heidi took the bait and walked over, asking Lo to give them some private time. (Again, with the drama in public.) Awkward silence led to an LC declaration of how awkward the moment was. LC looked like she’d rather be getting a colonoscopy.
Heidi didn’t pull any punches. “I missed you. I never thought in my wildest dreams this would be how everything ended up. The only thing really missing is you and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime.” LC’s retort: “It is what it is. It’s not always fair.”
She told LC she was happy, but broke down when LC asked how her mom was handling the news of the marriage. LC defended Darlene: “She wants the best for you.”
Sensing defeat, Heidi quickly changed the subject to something less controversial and oh-so-much more L.A. “Have you been working out a lot?” Even LC repeated the question to make sure she heard her right and the randomness of the inquiry made LC giggle. Then Heidi got serious again. “Don’t you feel like you are 18, 19 again? I feel like I don’t get older. Time keeps passing by. Two years ago seems like five minutes ago so much.”
LC didn’t say they could be friends again but she did reassure her ex-bestie one thing: “You know that if you ever really needed anything, I’m here.” Then a hug and some chit-chat and they parted ways. Not a lot of headway on the longest lasting Hills feud, but the door creaked open just a tiny bit further.
Courting Disaster: Speidi went to the Beverly Hills courthouse to make the Cabo ceremony legal. Heidi was visibly upset that her mother didn’t join them, but tried to keep a stiff upper lip. “I thought she would be here for this part but it’s good.” She excused herself to go to the restroom to freshen up. Spencer tried to hurry things along as if he knew he was losing her. “You look great. C’mon let’s do this.”
While she was indisposed, the She-Pratt tried to knock some sense into her brother. “You can’t do this. There’s like a judge and a policeman in there. You can’t have this for your wedding. She’s going to remember this day forever and you know what she’s going to think about? That she’s not talking to her mom and sister. You can’t make her do this?”
Spencer stuck to his guns at first. “I got dressed up. I’m in a courthouse and I filled out an hour’s worth of paperwork to not do this? I did not force her to come. You think I dressed her in that outfit and put on her shoes?”
Stephanie persisted. “She’s going to regret this when she’s older. Wait til she’s on better terms with her mom. I think this is wrong.” But it seemed like her reasoning was lost on him. He and his betrothed approached the bench and started the vows.
As the judge recited the vows and Heidi said her half, the camera furiously jumped between the four faces in the room to create tension. When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. This is my idea. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this. That’s throwing this whole thing off for me. That’s a rain cloud following me. I feel like we’re doing something shady.”
Heidi started crying, “Of course. I want my mom. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”
Spencer relented, showing that he isn’t pure evil, and promised to give her the big wedding she always wanted. “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.
Restate of the Union: Audrina and Justin Bobby made a dash to the desert on his chopper. (Why did he insist on not wearing a shirt? And how did he get one, well half of one anyway, before they got to the Viceroy?) They toured their fancy bungalow at the Viceroy and started sipping champagne straight from the bottle. “Our little romantic getaway, dude. It’s kinda like a celebration,” JB said. (Nothing says romance like your boyfriend referring to you as dude and skipping the stemware.)
They promised that the weekend would be drama-free and associated it with the absence of a group. JB admitted, “I love the fact, no offense, that I don’t hear your little girlfriends in your ear nibbling. This is me and you time. Nobody else time.” Then they shut the door for some R-rated “me and you time.”
During their “dark night” picnic, JB brought up the subject of them … again. “Think the universe is in our favor? Do you think you’re comfortable with where we stand? Are you happy?” Because the doormat has no brain of her own, she flipped the script back on him. “I don’t know. What do you think?”
Justin Bobby didn’t have anything more intelligent to add at first, but then went into a speech about how amazing she is and how lucky he was to know her, which actually made it sound like he had been thinking about it a lot. “I don’t know what to think. I think we’re at this standstill that’s stuck. Something’s gonna have to change. I don’t think it’s fair to you or me. I’m super-blessed to know you. I thank the lucky stars that a person like you came in my life. I don’t have that big of a connection with that I give myself to and spend all that time with and you’re definitely one of those . I hope it stays like that for as long as it possibly can.”
He then produced a diamond ring on his pinkie, but had to grease it up by putting it in his mouth, licking it and then placing it on her finger. In other words, he had to Justin Bobby up the moment and it wasn’t fully explained if the ring meant anything. Engagement? A promise of fidelity and loyalty? A trip to the fires of Mount Doom with a ragtag band of unlikely heroes?
We knew by the next Aud/JB scene what it wasn’t– a Jonas Brothers celibacy ring, because the duo woke up in the same bed discussing how fun the night before had been. “You are my best friend. I think it was a monumental night for us. You’re special to me. No regrets.” Then he pulled her into the super spoon and left us wondering if they’d last until next season’s premiere. –Carrie Bell
Tell Us: Surprised by Heidi and Spencer’s wedding fake-out? Are Justin-Bobby and Audrina engaged? Will LC-Heidi be back on BFF terms next season?