Between a Hooters cruise and free Johnny Damon massages, we found the most cringe-worthy, questionable moments of Monday's episode
Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

Monday’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice had boats, awkward massages, anti-terrorist outbursts and, of course, two firings.

Our recap of the beautifully named “It’s Like a Booze Cruise with Knowledge” follow. Let’s keep it aboveboard, shall we?

1. A Cuptastrophe
As Team Vortex prepared a themed cruise around Manhattan for Circle Line, everything seemed to be, well, smooth sailing. That is, until a couple of hapless nautical cater-waiters didn’t know where to take some plastic cups, and project manager Sig Hansen abruptly, inexplicably and absolutely freaked out.

It may have been the worst Celebrity Apprentice meltdown since The Great Meat Loaf Debacle of 2011.

2. You Say She’s Inappropriate, She Says She’s Fabulous
Over on Team Infinity, project manager Brandi Glanville switched mid-task from a Mardi Gras theme to “Big Apple Bonanza.” Sounds family friendly enough, right? Cue Kenya Moore performing her anti-hater anthem/ode to deluded self-confidence "Gone with the Wind Fabulous."

The chorus may drive home the words “I say I’m fabulous” over and over and over, but the children – not to mention their parents – watching Kenya’s impromptu hip thrusts to the sky didn’t seem to be feeling it.

3. "Screw the Terrorists!"
Kenya’s dirty dancing was far from the biggest boat-pas. Vortex’s Geraldo Rivera had pitched the idea of revamping the successful Circle Line tour formula to cover the entire history of the New York City (maybe even the U.S.) from the Revolutionary War to 9/11, including an appearance by former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani himself, in roughly 90 minutes. That idea got shut down in favor of what basically devolved into a Hooters cruise.

The orange short-shorts didn’t dampen Geraldo’s patriotic verve, though. So when the boat passed the Freedom Tower, he shouted to the passengers: “Screw the terrorists! We won!” As Kate Gosselin put it, that was “an ‘Oh crap’ moment.” (Later, Eric Trump said cruisers considered Geraldo’s shtick “polarizing.” Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump School of Understatement is in session.)

4. "Well, It’s Also Boats."
That’s a direct quote from Donald Trump, articulating his entire rationale as to why Sig should win this task. Spoiler: He didn’t. And he got fired. Not such hot ship are ya, Hansen?

5. A Touchy Subject
For the next task, both teams had to replicate the ultra-high-end vibe of Miami’s Trump National Doral golf resort. While Vortex P.M. Kate struggled to rein in strong-willed, power-shopping teammates Kenya and Vivica A. Fox, PEOPLE blogger and Infinity project manager Ian Ziering expertly delivered the luxury aesthetic with complimentary golf swing analysis and a replica of the Doral’s marigold sign. Perhaps the only questionable decision Ian made was assigning Johnny Damon to get hands-on as a masseur for the day. As Brandi mentioned, a lot of women probably would kill for the chance to get a Johnny Damon massage. This lady wasn’t one of them:

6. #InflateGate?
Once Vortex officially lost, it became a battle of brass and sass between Vivica and Kenya, who’d been throwing Vivica under the bus since transferring over from Team Infinity. Vivica called out Kenya with two cutting words: “She’s messy! She’s messy.”

As these things often do, the battle quickly devolved into mutual accusations about plastic surgery. Kenya may have started this particular fight, but Vivica certainly finished it: “Stop it, baby. You sittin’ over there with a badonkadonk that’s fake as hell, so don’t go there. Don’t go there. She doesn’t have them boobs done? Come on, stop that, Kenya. Sittin’ over there with a seven-pack of lashes on. Stop that.”

7. "You Guys Really Are the First Family of America"
Way to suck up to the Trump men, Kenya, but maybe tell that to the Obamas? Actually, I suspect the president has a response to that:

8. The Gos-silence Was Deafening
Perhaps the most surprising development of the episode’s final boardroom, though, was that Kate – a woman known for her assertive demeanor – remained mostly quiet. After getting fired, she even sounded like she might be sniffling back tears. Where has this woman gone?

8. The Rivera Rises
Everyone continues to hate Geraldo, yet his strength only seems to grow week by week. After Leeza Gibbons‘s showing as Team Infinity’s boat tour guide, I’m beginning to think only someone with her poise and experience can take down the shirtless wonder. Team Leeza!

9. "We’ve Really Reached a New Low"
In the promo for next week, Vivica accuses Kenya of stealing her phone to send out (presumably) scandalous messages over social media. Folks, when Mr. Trump says the show has reached a new rock bottom, it’s time to pack it in, because dark days are ahead.