THE POOL PARTY
Things started off innocently enough, with JoJo Fletcher coming by the house for the pool party that replaced this week’s cocktail party because JoJo just looks that good in a bikini.
Chad even apologized, sort of, to Evan – or at least promised to give him $20 for the shirt he ripped off his back in a fit of rage.
Evan once again proved himself to be the least cool man in the house when he jumped into the pool and somehow gave himself a raging nosebleed.
JoJo and Jordan were all over each other, as usual. JoJo wondered if this was “too good to be true” but Jordan promised all his smooth talking isn’t “an act.” (Evidence has pointed otherwise, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for now.)
At first, Chad seemed almost *chill* and behaved more like a stable adult than he has all season, but all chill quickly evaporated once he overheard Derek talking about him to JoJo. Chad confronted Derek and Derek tried his very best to stand up for himself. (You’re a brave man, Derek.)
THE ROSE CEREMONY
A few hours later JoJo returned to the house for the cocktail party wearing a two-piece sparkly crop top/skirt combo that proved her love of sequins truly knows no bounds.
She ended up eliminating Ali, Christian and Nick. (We’ll miss you, Santa. But not really.)
All the of the guys were extremely upset about the fact that the last rose of the evening went to Chad, but they sucked it up because JoJo was like, y’all better chill because I’m taking you on a surprise trip and it’s going to be way cooler than when Ben took us to Vegas last season.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH LUKE
Luke. Swoon. Where do we even begin with Luke? Luke is a total stud so he obviously got the first one-on-one date in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. If you haven’t heard of this place, all you need to know is that it is extremely beautiful and romantic.
Luke and JoJo went sledding through the woods before pulling up at a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Plot twist: This was a woodfire tub so Luke chopped a whole bunch of wood to heat it up and looked great doing it.
Then they got into their bathing suits and Luke helped JoJo gingerly climb into the tub, one toe at a time, because the water was too hot for her. This wasn’t as graceful as it sounds but Luke did get to grab JoJo’s butt, so he wasn’t complaining.
Luke talked about his days as a platoon leader in Afghanistan and it quickly became obvious that JoJo is very into Luke’s rugged manliness and sexy voice. Luke is so in touch with his emotions and says all the right things all the time. Did we mention we love Luke?
Luke obviously got the rose and then they obviously got to enjoy a concert, except this time it wasn’t private – instead, they got plopped up on stage to make out in front of hundreds of people. Somehow this was still romantic and Luke said he was absolutely falling for JoJo. Can we have him if you don’t want him, JoJo?
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For the group date they took the guys to play football at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, minus Chad and Alex, who were back home throwing sick burns at one another.
The guys got split up into two teams to compete for more time with JoJo that evening. Jordan played quarterback for both teams, which meant no matter which team won he would get to continue on the date instead of going home. This seemed rather unfair, especially considering Jordan is a former professional football player, but we don’t make the rules.
Poor James T. hurt himself during practice and was bleeding profusely from the face, but being the perfect man that he is refused to let that get in the way of the date and proceeded to play the entire game with a bandage wrapped around his head like a mummy.
Evan got a nosebleed AGAIN and tried to hide it from JoJo. Get it together, man.
The winning team got to go onto the evening portion of the date with JoJo. This included Robby, whom we haven’t seen very much of yet but after tonight’s episode it’s pretty clear he’s going to be sticking around for a while.
JoJo and Robby got very intense very quickly, telling each other how much they liked each other and making out all up against a pool table. Robby also said he was falling in love with JoJo HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE SO SOON?
JoJo also hung out with Jordan, who also told her he was falling for her, making him no. 3 to profess his burgeoning love for JoJo this episode. Girl needs to teach a class or something.
Jordan ended up getting the group date rose and poor Robby was crushed.
TWO-ON-ONE WITH CHAD AND ALEX
Meanwhile, back at the house Chad and Alex were about to go on a two-on-one with JoJo. For the uninitiated, this meant they would both be going on a date with JoJo but she could only choose one of them to stay. Two-on-ones are incredibly uncomfortable but generally make for great television, like that time Ben had to choose between identical twins.
There was a lot of bickering between Chad and the rest of the guys leading up to this date. On the morning of, things escalated to a whole other level when Chad overheard the guys talking about him. He walked into the room – where all 13 of the other guys were sitting on the couch – and lit into Jordan.
“You think you’re safe for now. One day this ends. And when this ends you go home. And when you go home you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house? I’m dead f—ing serious.” – Threatening other contestant’s lives: #JustChadThings!
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Anyway, finally they go on the date, which coincidentally happened to be the worst date ever. What better way to break up with someone than on a freezing cold, wet hike in the middle of nowhere with absolutely nowhere to escape to?
Alex ended up telling JoJo everything about Chad and his psychotic tendencies and JoJo was “shocked,” so either she’s clueless or feigning ignorance.
Then JoJo confronted Chad about it and he essentially self-destructed.
JoJo: “I’m disappointed because I gave you a second chance, but then you threatened to beat people.”
Chad: “Yeah, so they would be quiet.” WRONG ANSWER, CHAD.
JoJo walked away to think about her decision and started crying because she felt bad about the fact that Chad’s mom had passed away six months ago, but eventually she came to her senses and walked back over to send Chad home.
JoJo: “I just have to ask: Have you threatened anyone in the house?”
Chad: “I mean, it’s not 100 percent false.” – Right, that’s because it’s 100 percent true.
JoJo and Alex then walked away hand in hand, kissing, while Chad roamed the forest until nightfall, casually whistling in a way that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Somebody get this man a sweet potato STAT.
Thought we were finally rid of him? Think again. If next episode’s preview is any indication, Chad isn’t going home without a fight.
The Bachelorette returns Monday, June 20 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.