Fletcher sent home six men on night one
We could sit here and list all the reasons why JoJo is about to be the best Bachelorette of all time, but honestly, Monday’s season premiere did the job for us. JoJo shall henceforth be named reigning queen of the Bachelor Kingdom, and all future Bachelorettes shall bow down to her.
The episode kicked off with the last time we saw JoJo, which was when Ben did the following in this unfortunate order: told JoJo he loved her, also told the other remaining girl he loved her, promised JoJo he wouldn’t blindside her, dumped JoJo on the season finale by telling her: “I found [love] with you, but I found it with somebody else more.”
Ah yes, we had forgotten about the nightmare that was the Ben-JoJo-Lauren B. triangle – but don’t worry, a quick flashback montage was more than enough to remind us that we’ll never forgive Ben for that one.
Then we got a quick rundown of JoJo’s life post-Benpocalypse: She was hurt, she was sad, she accepted it, she moved on, and now it’s her turn to find love! She knows what she deserves now! Bring on the men! This montage was peppered with shots of JoJo parading up and down the beach in a bikini, and it quickly became clear that JoJo’s attractiveness is going to be a central theme this season.
Up next JoJo sat down with three former Bachelorettes to get some advice. This was very boring and the only thing that really stood out was Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s Canadian accent. (Was it always that strong???)
INTRODUCING THE GUYS
Like every season, the contestants make up an eclectic mix of completely ridiculous human beings with a handful of gems thrown in there.
Here’s what we learned about a few of JoJo’s 26 dudes:
1. Grant is a firefighter and he looks great in his firefighter suit. Never take that off, Grant.
2. James S. is a self-proclaimed Bachelor superfan, holds viewing parties and runs a Bachelor bracket. James S. might be more excited about meeting Chris Harrison than JoJo, to be quite frank.
3. Evan is the director of a chain of medical practices that help men with erectile dysfunction and low testosterone, so there’s that. Evan also said this about his job, which was too punny to ignore: “It’s a hard business. It’s draining.”
4. Christian wakes up at 3:30 a.m. every day to work out and considers himself a tech geek. Christian is a sweetheart and we just want to be friends with him.
5. Luke was in the military for nine years as a platoon leader. He’s also from JoJo’s home state of Texas and gives off some major sexy cowboy vibes.
6. Everyone is going to love Jordan, including JoJo. Jordan’s brother is Aaron Rodgers, a.k.a. Green Bay Packers quarterback. Jordan also played professional football and is probably the hottest guy this show has seen in years/ever.
THE LIMO ARRIVALS
The limo arrivals are always a whirlwind of terrible puns and props, and this season was no exception.
Jordan was the first one out of the limo, and right off the bat it was obvious JoJo is into him because she told him how good he looked about 14 times. (In all fairness, he did look very good.)
Other memorable entrances included Robby, who took a swig straight from a wine bottle é la JoJo’s mom, Nick B. who came dressed as Santa (“Jo, Jo, Jo!”), and Sal, who decided to hand JoJo a pair of blue stress balls and tell her she had permission to “squeeze my balls.” (Yes, really.)
And last but not least, there was Jonathan, who is half-Scottish, half-Chinese. Jonathan showed up wearing a kilt and decided to make this joke: “Luckily for me I’m half-Scottish below the waist,” so that’s about all you need to know about him.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
The cocktail party was probably the most entertaining part of the entire episode because it largely consisted of watching 26 grown men fall over themselves as they desperately tried to win JoJo over. (No joke, none of them could keep it together.)
A few highlights:
1. Alex, a U.S. Marine, had JoJo sit on his back while he did push-ups. A lot of the guys made fun of him for doing this, probably rightly so.
2. Will used a paper fortune teller to get a kiss out of JoJo and it was incredibly, painfully awkward. Note to self: never do this.
3. Chad is the guy who spent $7,000 on clothes for the show and brought a suitcase full of protein powder. He is the worst and spent the entire evening alternating between trash-talking all the other guys and praising himself. (“I am the manlier, more rugged version of Ben” – nope, that’s just not the case.) That being said, JoJo seemed to like him, which worries us.
4. Wells brought All-4-One along to serenade JoJo, and even though we initially wrote him off, he’s definitely back in the running.
5. Daniel Good God, where do we even begin with Daniel? Daniel was a trainwreck. He could not stop talking about the “Damn, Daniel” meme and then shamed JoJo for not “following the Internet” because she hadn’t heard of it. Daniel then proceeded to get rip-roaring drunk, repeatedly poked Evan in the belly button, took off all of his clothes and jumped in the pool.
6. Speaking of being drunk, Nick S. and Vinny were out of control. Props to JoJo for handling all of this like the queen that she is.
7. Luke brought his fellow Texan JoJo a pair of cowboy boots, which was a very solid move. We like him, she likes him, and so he’s definitely one to watch.
8. James Taylor is absolutely adorable and there need to be more men like him in this world.
LET’S TALK ABOUT JORDAN, BECAUSE HE’S PERFECT
The first cocktail party was essentially one giant trainwreck, save for a few decent one-on-ones here and there – but then there was Jordan.
Jordan and JoJo basically acted like they’d been dating forever. Jordan got the first (real) kiss with JoJo and the first impression rose.
Just look at them. They’re perfect. This could be an engagement photo. Calling it now: Jordan is going to win, so plan your brackets accordingly.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
After the nightmare that was the cocktail party came the rose ceremony, where JoJo finally got to send some of these clowns home. (Oh, and former Bachelor Jake Pavelka also stopped by to give JoJo some advice: “Go with your gut.” Groundbreaking stuff.)
JoJo got to work handing out her remaining 19 roses (one had already gone to Jordan), sending home Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick. S, Sal and Jonathan (thank God).
Stay tuned, though. If the season promo was any indication, this is going to be insane. And we’re officially scared of Chad.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays (9 p.m. ET) on ABC.