From Mean Girls moments to a standing ovation for JoJo Fletcher, all the highlights

By Aurelie Corinthios
Updated July 26, 2016 11:00 PM
Advertisement
Byron Cohen/ABC

Bachelor nation, we’re almost at the finish line.

On Tuesday’s Bachelorette: Men Tell All, we got everything we could have dreamed of, from bad haircuts to bloopers. Here’s a quick rundown of the 10 most important things that happened – and what we can expect from the finale.

1. The guys all got spray tans. All of them.
Okay, so we don’t have actual proof of this, but it’s definitely true. (Daniel’s was especially orange.)

Also, Jonathan wore a kilt again, because he apparently didn’t learn his lesson the first time. And also Derek‘s beard was out of control. And so was Vinny’s. (Aren’t you a barber, dude?)

That’s all. Now we can move on.

2. These guys are still totally Mean Girls.

Remember how all season long Alex was totally Gretchen Wieners, all the time? Well, nothing’s changed.

Alex and the rest of the guys spent the better part of half an hour bickering, bitching and hurling insults at one other. For the most part it was very tiresome, but someone finally called out Alex for having a Napoleon complex. Hey, we didn’t say it. (But it’s so true.)

3. Chad was Chad.

Hopefully after tonight we can all officially agree that we’re Chad-ed out, because if we never have to hear the name Chad Johnson again, we’ll die happy.

Chad was, unsurprisingly, the focal point of the entire episode. Chad had his own trailer with a giant platter of meat. Chad ate a sweet potato like it was an apple. Chad walked around and whistled in that extremely terrifying way he’s so very good at. Chad had his own security guard. People in the audience were wearing “#TheChad-chelor” t-shirts. Chad called Alex a “manlet.” (Okay, that one was funny.)

Then Chad sat down with Chris Harrison and we had to listen to more bickering between him and the rest of the guys, who, by the way, were not happy with Chad for hooking up with both Robby and Grant’s ex-girlfriends since the show wrapped.

Chad had some choice words for almost every single one of the guys, including James Taylor (“I’ve got dirt on you, son”), Derek (“Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt”), Alex (“He’s just super annoying”), Jordan (“He just wanted to be famous”) and Robby (he has apparently “threatened” his ex-girlfriend).

RELATED VIDEO: The 5 ‘Chad-iest’ Moments from The Bachelorette: Men Tell All

The only time Chad was ever-so-slightly redeemed was when they played a slow-motion video of his altercation with Evan. (How could we forget the great Shirt Rip of 2016?) Anyway, as it turns out, Evan actually did push Chad, because apparently he has a death wish or something.

Ultimately, Wells admitted that the guys did “Lord of Flies” Chad, which is a fairly accurate comparison. But as for the big, bad Chad? He’s totally fine with the way things panned out. In fact, he doesn’t regret 99 percent of the things that happened. The one percent? Probably that protein powder he left behind.

4. Saint Nick tried really hard to get us to remember who he is.
He took off his suit jacket, walked down from the stage and threatened to fight Chad in some grand (read: ridiculous) display of masculinity. Unfortunately, he wasn’t wearing his Santa suit, so we didn’t recognize him.

5. Luke reminded us that he is quite possibly the most perfect man on the planet.

Be still, my beating heart. There are few things on television more mesmerizing than watching Luke talk about love. And tonight, he did it a lot.

Luke talked all about his shocking elimination on Monday’s episode ahead of the Fantasy Suites (“It was a lot of confusion, a lot of pain … It hit me like a train that night”) and admitted that looking back, he regretted not expressing (or spelling out) his love for JoJo sooner.

“Watching it back, I see, verbally, I kind of held back. I could have been more expressive and direct,” he said. “I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in a sense, and there’s this once-in-a-lifetime experience and I’m looking for a once-in-a-lifetime moment so I can look back years later … I didn’t seize that moment when I should have.”

“I was absolutely in love with her and I still love her,” he added.

The poor guy even said he had felt like he was having anxiety attacks for the next couple of weeks after being sent home. This is an outrage. Somebody get this man a wife, now. I volunteer as tribute.

In summary: If Luke isn’t the next Bachelor we are officially boycotting the franchise, and from the sound of it, he just might be open to the possibility: “I got to a place where I’m happy and I’m ready and I’m optimistic about what the future might hold. I know there’s the right person for me out there.” (Pick me, Luke! Pick me!)

6. Chase had *feelings.*
Ah, Chase. What the man lacks in personality he makes up for by looking really good in a suit.

Chase expressed so many feelings during the Men Tell All we almost thought he might profess his love to Chris Harrison right then and there.

Ultimately, Chase said he didn’t regret telling JoJo he loved her, and said he still has “a lot of love” for her. After 27 years of avoiding the word “love” like the plague, Chase could not seem to stop using it. He’s got the love bug! It’s a miracle! Never underestimate the power of this show, people.

7. And then he finally got some closure from JoJo.
Despite the little love fest, Chase was still upset about the fact that JoJo invited him to the Fantasy Suite only to kick him out immediately once he dropped the L-word on her – so he confronted her about it.

“That night when you told me you loved me for some reason I felt anxious,” JoJo explained. “I don’t think I was scared that you loved me, I think that was the moment that I felt that if we had spent the night together it would have been so much harder.”

Ultimately, she apologized for the chain of events: “I didn’t have that clarity,” she admitted. “I think maybe I found it at the wrong time, and I still feel guilty about that.”

But don’t worry, it’s all good now. They even hugged it out.

8. JoJo got a standing ovation for how she handled Chad.

Try as he may (and he certainly did), Chad just couldn’t get a rise out of JoJo.

Even after he threw digs at her final two (i.e. Robby broke up with his ex “days before filming” and Jordan is a “liar, cheater whose own older brother won’t even talk to him”), JoJo brushed Chad off like he wasn’t even there.

“I could go off right now,” she said. “But it’s not even worth my time. He loves the attention, and we’re giving it to him – so he’s not even worth my breath.”

Cue standing ovation from the rest of the guys. And the rest of America.

9. JoJo got motor-boated by a horse dressed up as a unicorn.
Because The Bachelorette bloopers are the gift that keeps on giving.

10. So, is she engaged?
She didn’t spill much, but JoJo did reveal she’s “very happy.”

“I had a really amazing journey,” she said. “I’m just really happy with how things ended and where I’m at right now.”

So stay tuned, because based on the sneak peek at the finale, things are about to get – dare we say it? – more dramatic than ever when The Bachelorette wraps up Monday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.