"I'm also sad that I let someone ... shake my confidence," Maynard writes in this week's post

By Emily Maynard
June 12, 2012 09:45 AM
Craig Sjodin/ABC

I’ve always felt that two-on-one dates were a bad idea, but who knew jumping off a cliff into freezing water on one would be an even worse idea?

I’m definitely paying for it as you can tell by my voice while we were in London for The Bachelorette, but despite how awful I was feeling I was determined to enjoy every second I was there!

Sean and I had such a strong connection even before having a one-on-one date, so I knew I was going to have a great time with him just walking around the city and checking everything out. I had such high expectations for our date and to be honest, had built him up so high in my head that I was worried I had set him up to fail because no one could ever be that perfect.

However, it wasn’t long into our date that I realized Sean was even better than I ever could’ve imagined. Like I told him on our date, guys that are as good-looking as he is usually bore me to tears, but Sean is the total opposite! He’s sweet, funny, and humble – and his passion for his family and faith are even more attractive to me than his appearance. And trust me, that’s saying a lot!

I don’t know what to say about the group date other than I’m disappointed for so many reasons.

I’m disappointed in Kalon for letting his hurt ego cause him to say such hurtful things that no mother should ever hear. I’m confident that if I had I shown him more attention, he never would’ve said those things, but I’m glad I didn’t because it let me see his true colors.

For so long, Kalon had been so condescending to me and everyone else in the house, but I know what it’s like to be misunderstood and I didn’t want to be one of those people that wrote him off before really making an effort to get to know him.

I still to this day haven’t received an apology of any sort, and that to me is the most telling of all. Looking back, I should’ve sent him home the second he told me not to interrupt him, but I guess it’s a good lesson learned. Ladies, always follow your gut!

I’ve always believed that you should pray for those that hurt you, and as hard as it is sometimes I hope that Kalon has learned from this whole experience, realized how hurtful his words can be, and hopefully will be kinder in the future no matter how badly his ego has been bruised.

I would also like to apologize to the people I offended with my choice of words. I really do try my best to conduct myself like a lady, but I’m certainly not perfect and I’m disappointed in myself that I would allow anyone to affect me in that way. I’m also sad that I let someone like Kalon shake my confidence in the wonderful men I do have left, and I’m glad that from this point on I can focus on them.

As you all can tell, I clearly had a huge crush on Jef from the beginning. It’s crazy because in one sense he makes me feel comfortable enough to be myself, but in another way I would get so nervous and awkward around him. I was really looking forward to having a full day to have him to myself, especially after the awful group date I had the night before.

Jef was exactly what I needed to regain the confidence I had in this whole experience and in myself. I swear, my whole world could be crashing down and he could read the back of a shampoo bottle and I would immediately feel like everything was going to be okay.

Like I told Chris Harrison last week in Bermuda, I was worried that my feelings for Jef were one-sided and that he just wasn’t feeling the same about me, especially since we had been on two beaches and he wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. I mean, can anyone blame me for starting to feel like he just wasn’t that into me?

However, on our date we had the best time (despite our etiquette teacher critiquing our every move) and I knew from that date and our perfect kiss on the bridge that my instincts weren’t wrong about him at all. He truly is one of the kindest human beings I’ve ever been around and just the fact that he could make me laugh on a day that I had a hard time just smiling means the absolute world to me.

Well, I have been anticipating this week, and I know I’m happy it is out of the way. Hopefully I’m not going to be in too much trouble with my mother and grandmother for my less than ladylike choice of words!

Make sure you watch next Monday too, when we head to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Obviously we traveled to a different country, but it felt like we were traveling back in time!

Also, I want to say thank you to everyone that has been so kind to me. I can’t tell you how much it means to feel so supported by so many people!

Thanks for watching,