Also, Jade revealed her Playboy past to a judgmental Carly
Also, Megan was cut before the rose ceremony that would never be (Chris nixed it on account of having too many feelings for the remaining girls), and the rest of the ladies made their way to Iowa. Meanwhile, Jade got to meet Chris’s parents and revealed her Playboy past to Carly, and Carly became utterly intent on exposing Britt as a supposed fraud.
Jade Gets a One-on-One Date in Arlington: “It’s Not Des Moines” “So. Much. Corn.”
For their one-on-one date, Chris took Jade around Arlington. There was painfully little to see. Many of the businesses have closed in Arlington, including the place “where I came with my parents to get meat.” Not “the butcher.” “The place where I came with my parents to get meat.” He’s so special.
There are no bars, restaurants, coffee shops or small movie theaters in Arlington. Nothing. Chris’s father goes to an empty business to have coffee – no one works there, but one of the locals opens it up every day.
As Jade pointed out, it was painfully obvious that Chris was proud of where he came from but insecure to show it off. “It’s, uh, home,” said Chris of his tour.
Jade also got to see Chris’s giant house and farmland, of which he’s very proud (as he should be), but the main part of their date was a high school football game. In a town as small as Arlington, that’s the big event. Chris was an endearing dingus about it, though, referring to his days at Starmont High as his “glory days,” and told Jade some of his “dumb football stories.” He was thrilled to kiss Jade outside of his high school English classroom, even though it “had nothing to do with English … it was more like French.” Groan.
Overall, Jade was genuinely sweet with Chris on this date: “Don’t feel bad about where you love to be. It is enough. Be proud of it.”
The Girls Go to Arlington
After Jade told the other girls about her date (and Britt began to cry), they decided to go on a road trip to Arlington. After a two- to three-hour drive, Britt recounted that it took about two minutes to do a “slow lap” around the town.
Kaitlyn’s face as they drove through Arlington looked not unlike Chrissy Teigen’s cry-face at the Golden Globes.
Britt said that she couldn’t imagine living there – she was the only one being real. Everyone else went on about how charming Arlington is, despite the fact that even The Market was closed (that’s what the grocery store was called – “The Market”), but nobody other than Britt would admit that the whole trip appeared to be daunting to each of them. Arlington surely has its charms, but there’s no way that a group of metropolitan city-dwellers would be excited about it on first glance. Team Britt.
Jade Tells Carly About Her Playboy Past, and Carly Does Not Succeed at Seeming Non-Judgmental
“People can be really judgmental about that,” Carly told Jade upon the big reveal of her Playboy pictorial. By “people,” she meant herself clearly.
“This could end my relationship with him,” Jade said. “And I feel like it’s something I need to be honest with him about because I want him to find out from me first,” she added, revealing that her father found out from his coworkers.
Jade could not have been more insecure about the reality of people’s judgment, and Carly could not have been more obvious about her being one of those people: “Like, ‘Hey Mom, don’t Google my wife,’ ” said Carly in an interview.
What’s the big deal? If Chris seriously sends Jade home over what Jade sees as a youthful mistake, he’s not as nice a guy as we all thought.
(Furthermore, while Jade does see it as a mistake, something like that certainly doesn’t have to be. The Bachelor is so weird and antiquated about sex and sexuality given the presence of “fantasy suites.”)
Carly Tells on Britt
At a group ice-skating date with Carly, Kaitlyn and Britt, Carly decided to tell on Britt for “lying” about her experience in Arlington.
As the girls left Chris’s hometown, Britt said that the setting sun made her see it as a beautiful place. While that sounds a bit unlikely, to be sure, Britt was always honest and straightforward about her initial trepidatious reaction – both to the girls, and to Chris himself during their alone time on the group date.
However, Carly was insistent that Britt was lying and decided to deal with her own insecurities about Chris’s feelings toward her by telling on their biggest competition.
Chris was surprised to hear what Carly was saying, given that Britt told him that she liked Arlington. Carly sounded bonkers, by the way: “It made me so mad, and I’m, like, freaking out with you because I’m so scared and I know how much you like her and I’m so scared that she is not giving you the real Britt, and it’s freaking me out. Like, be careful, Chris. … I’m really freaked out for you.” Normal, agenda-less stuff to say.
Britt Has a Meltdown
Chris learned his lesson from last episode – he did not immediately tell Britt what Carly said about her, but rather tried to draw it out of her by asking her what she thought about Arlington. She sounded genuine when she admitted that there was never a “no way; there was definitely a shock factor, though. But you’re not choosing the town like you are choosing the lifestyle. It’s part of you, and we’re choosing you.”
She seemed like a slam-dunk for the group date rose when she told Chris that she wants to be a mom no matter where she lives. You could see in Chris’s face that he was so charmed by that idea. Then they made out a bunch.
During Kaitlyn’s turn, she revealed that she was feeling insecure about her connection with Chris. Wanting to reassure her, he gave her the group date rose – Chris is going to Canada!
When Kaitlyn and Chris rejoined the girls, there was absolute fire and brimstone in Britt’s eyes. “I’m not mad, I’m just confused and really, really hurt right now,” she said, totally ruining Kaitlyn’s moment. It was so awkward. Britt sat in the middle of Carly and Kaitlyn as each girl looked in the opposite direction of the girl having a total meltdown.
While it wasn’t exactly the best time or place to express her feelings in this way, the basic thesis of her meltdown was that she understood the game, but that she cared deeply for Chris and didn’t want him to meet her family when she was playing second fiddle to someone else.
Chris was gobsmacked and didn’t really know how to reply, so he gently dismissed her out of respect for Carly and Kaitlyn and left the conversation with Britt for another day.
Britt apologized for what she called her “selfish” behavior to Kaitlyn and Carly, but in a trash-talking session following Britt’s breakdown, the girls were convinced she had blown it with Chris.
They might not be wrong.
Also worth noting
• When Megan got cut – and before the announcement that the rose ceremony would be canceled – each of the girls hilariously expressed their concern for Carly. As if it was a given that she wouldn’t receive a rose that night. Carly was in despondent agreement. Poor Carly.
• Britt’s subtle Iowa shade was everything. After the announcement that they’d be heading to the heartland, she said: “He loves Iowa. When he said the word, I mean, his face lit up,” as if describing the delighted reaction of a small, precious child. “It makes me really want to go. It makes me feel really honored to be invited.” Please note that she did not, at any point, say she was excited to go. Just that she was excited by Chris’s reaction. (That was her general reaction to the place – she wanted to be there because Chris was there.)
• Where does Whitney, a fertility nurse, think she’s going to work in Arlington? “The Hospital”?
• “We can name one Jade!” said sweet, simple farmboy Chris of his cows. “Nah,” Jade replied.
• Does the Venn diagram of Teen Wolf watchers and Bachelor watchers overlap for anyone except me? If so: The air was so foggy, humid and wet in the Starmont football field that it looked like a Beacon Hills lacrosse game was about to break out.
• Chris and Whitney went to an art gallery. Then they took pictures. Then one of those pictures was painted onto a wall. It was not thrilling. Also, she met Chris’s three best friends.
• During one of her interviews, Carly painted a face onto her hand and started talking with it in a high-pitched voice. Honestly not too sure what she said – the insanity sent me into a fugue state.
• What brand of lipstick is Britt wearing? No matter how much she makes out with Chris, it never transfers. A true marvel of science and nature.
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