Ding dong, the witch is dead (but which witch?)

By Amanda Michelle Steiner
Updated February 09, 2015 10:05 PM
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

If you’re a fan of Kelsey – or a fan of her drama – this week’s Bachelor was for you.

The episode opened immediately following last week’s, when she fainted (“fainted”) and had a panic attack (“panic attack”).

Later, a two-on-one date between herself, Chris Soules and Ashley I. (whom we’ve dubbed “Kardashley” for her startling resemblance to Kim Kardashian) ended up being equal parts the most dramatic and most awkward date in Bachelor history.

Also, there was a musical group date and Chris insisted on making out with Britt in front of the other girls at every available opportunity, and he was also really turned on by farm stuff on his one-on-one with Becca.

Kelsey: The Aftermath of the Rose Ceremony

Kelsey, from the floor, joked (“joked”): “I’m gonna get a rose tonight for sure,” before asking for Chris to come visit her. They chatted a bit, and shared an awkward kiss, noses bumping.

Wrapped in a faux-fur blanket, Kelsey rejoined the girls, explaining that the “emotional burden and the wave of all the feelings was just too much and I fainted.” Okay!

Kardashley was fairly hilarious in an interview: “What if she’s lying about the husband thing?” To what we’re so sure was a neutral expression on part of the crew, she laughed and asked, “Do you have the paperwork?”

Meanwhile, if Chris wanted to give Kelsey a rose, “I trust Chris and I trust Chris’s choices,” said Whitney, a beautiful, polite robot handcrafted by Bachelor producers to spout the gospel.

Naturally, Kelsey got a rose, because this is television, and television is great.

Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home. “Who’s Samantha?” you may ask. Literally, who knows?! The poor girl had maybe one line at best, and being dark-haired, we may have confused her with Jade. Bye, Samantha! We’re sure you’re better than this.

Big & Rich Group Date

For the group date, the women had to write and perform a song with Big & Rich as backing musicians.

Told to write love songs, they were finding it a bit difficult with Chris sucking on Britt’s face in plain view of everyone else. “It’s hard to write a love song about somebody when he’s clearly really into somebody else,” Jade said.

Once it was time for the performances, Chris, it should be noted, had a terrible voice. Just awful. Bless his sweet, simple heart, but the boy cannot sing.

Britt’s song had the lyric “I can hear that sweet, sweet music whenever you’re around,” infuriatingly missing the opportunity to rhyme “hear” with “near.” Britt, c’mon.

Kaitlyn rapped and swore like a sailor. She’s great. Honestly.

Megan took it real seriously, but no more seriously than Carly, professional cruise ship singer. She invited Chris onto the stage, and the two just sat there, staring into each other’s eyes, as Carly sang into his face. So painfully awkward.

Britt got the group date rose after the two spontaneously (“spontaneously”) ran off, away from cameras, to attend a Big & Rich concert. Naturally, cameras were set up at every angle at the venue.

‘I Know What You Did,’ or, The Universe Is Depleted of Its Source of Awkwardness

Two-on-one date time! Kelsey and Kardashley were the lucky women chosen by the sadistic producers to accompany Chris on a date in the Badlands, with nothing around them except for a vast, empty desert. Each of them was utterly convinced the other was going home.

Kardashley echoed our own feelings when she said, “Literally, with this, I just can’t even.” Word.

The only accessory to their group date was a canopy bed. Just a bed in the middle of the desert. The three of them clinked glasses and what ensued was not just silence but the absence of sound.

The girls each had their turn with Chris, though, and Kardashley used her opportunity to spill on Kelsey’s fakeness. Chris, who has never learned the rules of trash-talking, immediately told Kelsey about what Kardashley said. Kelsey played it well, because she is a master manipulator maybe-crazy person, crying that she considered Ashley a friend and somebody she could trust, insisting that she’s not lost in the competitive world of roses, group dates and date cards.

“I would hate for you to let go of all the potential between us because of girl talk,” she told Chris. Honestly, she played that perfectly. Despite everything she said being an outright lie, she positioned herself as the adult in the situation versus Ashley.

When Kelsey returned, she sat on the bed with Ashley and stared at her for what may have been 30 seconds or 30 years, before Ashley couldn’t take it anymore and turned to face Kelsey, whose face was thunderous: “I know what you did,” said Kelsey. Incredible.

Ashley cried – and cried – to Chris over the betrayal, and he gave her the boot, telling her that he didn’t think she could handle his farm-boy lifestyle. Through the kind of sobs that would have dissolved the glue on her false eyelashes, she incredulously asked him whether he really thought Britt would be able to handle his lifestyle. Point: Ashley.

Boom, Twisted

Kelsey shouldn’t have smirked upon Ashley’s weeping return, because she, too, got the boot. Not before being fake-sad about Ashley’s departure, though, going in to hug Chris. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s a loss.” Girl, please.

“My story is amazing,” Kelsey said, reiterating her crazy talk from last episode. “It’s tragic and it’s inspiring and it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed. I have no regrets because I did exactly what I came here to do. I’ve lost before and I’ve survived. I’m here. I rise above it.”

Over at the hotel, the girls popped champagne over Kelsey’s departure, those beautiful trolls.

Also Worth Noting

• Here is a photo of Chris Soules looking very serious on horseback:

• Mackenzie bummed us all out when she said at the rose ceremony, “If I get rejected tonight I don’t know if I’d ever be able to get over it.” Mackenzie you are 21 years old. Please have more hope for yourself and your life than that.

Both Kelsey and Ashley hold Master’s degrees. Bye.

• Kaitlyn, on Kelsey getting a rose at the ceremony: “I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder.” You guys, Kaitlyn can hang.

• Becca, who had never kissed Chris by this point, won (“won”) the one-on-one date with Chris. They went horseback-riding, and Chris thought that “Becca looked smokin’ hot on that horse.” Ever turned on by farm stuff, we’d advise Becca not to shuck any corn in his vicinity – Chris would lose his mind. (Later, he said that any woman who can shoot a gun is “a 10” in his books.)

• Kardashley, on Kelsey: “I may be a virgin, but I’m sexy, and she’s not!”

The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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