The Bachelor Recap: An Ousted Contestant Returns and Kelsey Makes Us All Very Afraid
Jordan, who was ousted in week 2 for being the drunkest, hottest mess that ever talked for an entire episode about wanting to make out with Chris, drove from Colorado to New Mexico – where this week’s episode was shot – to make her case.
Also, Kelsey showed her true colors (and that’s why we love her, but just kidding, because she may actually be nuts), we learned that Britt doesn’t shower, and Carly and Chris visited a love guru in perhaps the most uncomfortable Bachelor date in history. (Yes, we’re aware that’s saying a lot.)
The Love Guru Starring Mike Myers
So much to unpack here. So, for their one-on-one date, Chris and Carly visited a woman who, at first glance, appeared to be your garden variety meditation coach/hippie, but ended up being spectacularly invested in the couple’s sex life.
“I’m cautiously optimistic about this experience,” said Chris in an interview before their date, “but I’m a little concerned as to how weird this is going to get.” Oh, Chris, you simple dingus. It got so weird.
From sensuous touches to actual simulated sex positions, it was not only painful to watch but also the exact opposite of sexy.
Chris and Carly were also instructed to breathe heavily into each other’s mouths at the gentle off-camera instruction of their love guru, but none of it was as awkward as Carly smearing a chocolate-covered strawberry all over Chris’s bearded maw.
Everything was just so much.
They were even given special clothes for their date – standard hippie garb – and after Chris lost his shirt, it was a particularly special moment to watch him put it back on as the million dust motes inside the love guru’s sex house danced in the air.
Britt Apparently Does Not Shower But We Were Not Given Nearly Enough Information Surrounding That Factoid
As of the filming of this episode, Britt had apparently not showered in weeks. By her own admission. That information was delivered with no real follow-up.
Does she take baths, at least? Is she reliant on the many water-based activities of The Bachelor to keep her body from getting too dirty? How has her thick, beautiful, glossy hair not formed dreadlocks at this point?
Bachelor, you are raising more questions than you can answer and the people need to know.
Anyway, when Britt received her one-on-one date card with the note “sky’s the limit,” she immediately started panicking due to a crippling fear of heights. The Bachelor: Where producers go out of their way to choose dates that will terrify the women.
Chris surprised Britt in the early morning – 4:30 a.m. – to take her on their date. She woke up with a full face of makeup.
Chris said in an interview that Britt was “just as beautiful first thing in the morning as when she’s all dolled up for the rose ceremony. It’s pretty incredible.” He and/or the Bachelor producers must have been trolling us, because Britt literally had eye makeup glitter all over her face and a bright pink lip at 4:30 in the morning.
Carly, who could not have been more salty about Chris kissing Britt where she could hear following their own one-on-one, spilled in her own interview that not only does Britt go to bed wearing makeup, but she specifically puts on make to go to bed, “just in case.”
But, you know what? That’s just smart. There are cameras and surprise dates and other nightmares at every turn on this show – Britt is just prepared! Team Britt. Team Britt’s clogged pores. You do you, Britt. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
Oh, and Chris and Britt’s date was a hot air balloon ride, which Britt was totally psyched about. What? So much for that fear of heights despite a hot air balloon being “floating wicker propelled by fire.”
Jordan Returns and Ashley I. Becomes Insufferable
To be honest, when we saw a blonde head return, we were really hoping it would be Ashley S.
Unfortunately, it was Jordan, who had driven from Colorado to New Mexico to apologize for her general drunkenness and to beg for another shot.
During her speech, Chris had the hunted look in his eyes of a man who knows his life is in the other person’s hands.
Diplomatic donut Chris simply said of Jordan in a talking head that he sent her home because, essentially, she was fairly sloshed during their every interaction and didn’t really see a future with someone who wasn’t taking the process seriously. However, he let her join the group date because he is a gentle soul.
Of course, all of the girls were mad as hell. Ashley I. – whose identity, you may recall, revolves entirely around her virginity – whined that Jordan didn’t deserve to come back and that she wasn’t “marriage material” because of her partying and that she needs to grow up.
Yes, Jordan, grow up. Become like Ashley I., who is obsessed with comparing herself to other women and talking about her virginity as a commodity reserved for the highest bidder – in this case, a farmer from Iowa she has basically just met. (Which, you know – you do you. But maybe don’t judge others for their own proclivities in the same breath.)
Anyway, each of the women took their turn telling Chris that Jordan’s return was unfair, and so Chris sent her packing – once again – at the end of their date.
Gonna Love Ya Like a Black Widow, Baby
Let’s talk about Kelsey.
We were Team Kelsey last episode, because she was the only one being real enough to admit that a group camping date is the worst possible activity ever conceived.
This week, however, was a little bit alarming.
A widow, Kelsey became convinced that she had to share her story with Chris or she’d be eliminated from the competition. She revealed that she was married to a man named Sanderson Poe who died of sudden heart failure on his way to work.
She was 19 when they met, and according to The River 100.5 radio, 23 when they married. He was 42 when he died suddenly in May 2013.
Everybody has their own way of coping with loss, but Kelsey seemed a little too in love with the idea of her life as a Shakespearean tragedy. “Isn’t my story amazing?” she asked the camera in an interview. “It’s tragic. But amazing. I love my story.”
“Amazing” is an interesting word to choose for a woman whose husband died a year-and-a-half ago, but, again we all cope in our own ways, we suppose.
“This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship,” said Kelsey in an interview, before turning into a paid advertiser for ABC: “Everyone stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, to watch the love story unveiled.” Yikes.
Kelsey’s story seemed to affect Chris so much that he had a little cry at the rose ceremony and had to excuse himself. It’s unclear whether that meant good or bad things for Kelsey’s stay in the competition, because the episode ended with her having collapsed on the ground from a panic attack.
Also worth noting
• There was a whitewater rafting date as well, but it was boring save for Jade being too precious to deal with the cold, or whatever, and needing Chris to warm her up. The only interesting part was Mackenzie, bless her soul, who said: “I need Chris to warm my hands and feet up! And my butt.”
• This happens a lot, but every time the camera catches Chris staring into the middle distance we can’t help but be charmed by how clearly empty his sweet, simple head is at the time of doing it. What’s it like in that head, Chris?
• Carly, facing a crisis of confidence, said that she knows she is not the “prettiest person in the world” and that the Bachelor mansion has “Some of the most beautiful – physically beautiful – women I’ve ever seen.” Important qualifier, Carly. Important qualifier.
• Chris and Carly’s date card read “Let’s come together.” Teehee.
• Whitney and Ashley I. got in a bit of a scuffle over how rude Ashley I. was being to Jordan, but Whitney got the last laugh when she took home the group date rose. Ashley I., furious, told the camera that she didn’t think she had to worry about “that,” meaning Whitney.
• Ashley I., upset by the idea that Kelsey will likely get a rose over her: “She has a story that is so much more traumatizing than [mine] and now it’s just a comparison game of sad stories.” While The Bachelor is almost certainly not about love, it is even less a “comparison game of sad stories.” Also, what is traumatizing about virginity? Girl, what is your deal? Who did this to you?
• Nobody was sent home this week.
The Bachelor airs on Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
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