Also, the girls drank goat's milk from goats they milked themselves

By Amanda Michelle Steiner
Updated January 20, 2015 06:20 AM
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John Fleenor/ABC

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Jimmy Kimmel stopped by to insert himself into the activities and, most importantly, bestow upon the house an “Amazing Jar,” into which the contestants – and Chris Soules himself – had to deposit one dollar every time they said the word “amazing.”

We don’t know how many dollars ended up in that jar, but probably one hundred thousand, give or take.

Kimmel made his debut on the episode by entering Chris’s temporary home and waking him from a shirtless slumber. “What the f—,” said Chris, pointing in Kimmel’s face. In that moment, Chris basically summed up the episode ahead.

Here are the four moments from this week’s Bachelor that had us wondering what butterfly wing flapped so many thousands of years ago that we ended up with this pure insanity on our television screens.

1. Dates as Free Labor

Did you guys know that Chris is a farmer?

In this week’s edition of women debasing themselves to go on a date with a man simultaneously dating a harem full of women, the ladies had to do a series of farming-related tasks. It was truly incredible.

They had to shuck corncobs, nab chicken eggs from a coop of terrified chickens, cook the eggs and then had to milk goats. And then drink the milk. And they did it! Can you imagine? Well, Carly, Jillian and a few others had no need to imagine – they lived it.

After that horror show, the girls had to put the fear of God into even more animals as they chased some greased-up pigs around a pen and had to catch one of them and put them into another pen.

Carly won, and Kimmel bestowed upon her a blue ribbon, not unlike a prize-winning animal would receive at a county fair.

2. The Face-Mashing

There were so many makeouts this episode. So many.

When Mackenzie asked him why he was making out with so many girls, Chris began to sweat profusely, explaining that it’s just how he gets to know people, or something. It was awkward, but strangely gratifying. It did not curb his behavior in any way, however.

When Chris leaned in for a kiss from Becca, he got – epically, thrillingly – denied, and the two shared a chaste hug instead. Later, she received a rose, but given that she was the only one to not share in the antibodies being transferred from mouth-to-mouth all episode, she’s probably not long for this world.

So many mouth sounds. During Ashley I.’s makeout, she interjected in a talking head that she was worried about her kiss because nervousness made her mouth dry. Judging by the sounds, Chris had plenty of saliva to go around.

By the end of the episode, Chris had made out with:

  • 1. Kaitlyn
  • 2. Carly
  • 3. Amber
  • 4. Whitney
  • 5. Britt
  • 6. Jade
  • 7. Jillian
  • 8. Mystery girl – her face was obscured by his in a makeout montage. It may have been a repeat, but we’re counting it in the final tally.

3. Wedding Crashers

Chris and Whitney’s one-on-one date happened to be near an outdoor wedding. Total coincidence. No producer intervention whatsoever. Whitney was keen to crash, but Chris was really precious about it. He revealed in a talking head that he was afraid they’d get arrested.

They left their date – which was happening in the daytime – to go get dressed up in their wedding finery. By the time they snuck into the reception, it was dark out and everything proceeded as exactly planned because exactly zero percent of this excursion was spontaneous.

Once inside, Chris could not be chill around the wedding guests, yet Whitney lied to the bride and groom’s family with all the ease of a con artist.

Note: Every person at that wedding signed a release to be on camera. There was not a blurred face in sight. (That we could catch, anyway.)

4. Ashley S.

… Or a lack thereof.

Seriously – Ashley S. was absent from 99 percent of this episode. Given the antics from last week, all that any Bachelor viewer could have hoped for was more of the same, but alas, we were denied both Ashley S. and significant inebriation this week.

Cover the mirrors – it’s time to grieve.

She did, however, receive a rose, and accepted it with the crazy-eyed expression we know and love.

Also worth noting

• When Amber danced and made out with Chris, she told him: “Just pretend it’s our wedding.” Normal stuff!

• Jillian’s butt was so far out of her shorts that the Censor Box of Modesty was a near-constant fixture.

• On the goat’s milk, Amber said that one of the girls said it tasted “salty and warm – that’s not stuff I like in my mouth. Some girls said it tasted like protein.” … Please, Amber. This is a family show. (We’re going to miss Amber.)

• Tragically, no one was hammered.

• On Chris and Kaitlyn’s date, the two made out in a hot tub with Kimmel sitting one foot away from them, chowing down on chicken wings. The bit was, of course, played for obvious comedy, but the most disturbing part of that moment was easily the fact that the hot tub jets were not even turned on. They were just sitting in a pool of stagnant water, chicken grease likely dotting its calm, still surface.

• The fact that Juelia’s husband killed himself is easily one of the most genuinely awful and tragic backstories we’ve ever seen on The Bachelor. That said, it was cringe-worthy to watch Chris arrange his face into various sympathetic expressions as she told her sad story in even greater detail during what was otherwise a cheerful pool party.

• Tracy and Trina went home, as did Amber, on whom we may now cast aspersions with regard to her kissing abilities.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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