Could this have been the drunkest episode of The Bachelor ever?

By Amanda Michelle Steiner
Updated January 13, 2015 06:50 AM
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Credit: Nicholas Maggio

Chris Soules‘ reign as The Bachelor has only just begun, but it’s already clear that he is presiding over one of the drunkest group of women to ever live in a mansion together in order to vie for the attention of one man.

This week’s episode picked up immediately after last week’s ended. Following the rose ceremony, it was daylight outside, and the women – most of whom had entirely run out of steam – had taken to just sitting on the floor.

Before everyone could leave to go sleep it off, Kimberly, the 28-year-old yoga instructor from Long Island who did not receive a rose last week, begged Chris, 33, for another chance at love.

Given that Kimberly had barely even met Chris and that her desperation may have been more than a little unwarranted, it was somehow the least crazy thing to happen in this episode.

Without further ado, here are the four craziest moments from Monday’s Bachelor, in an episode absolutely chock-full of crazy moments.

1. The Tractor Race

It’s in Chris’s Bachelor contract that an episode cannot go by without frequent and explicit mention of the fact that he is a farmer. On Monday’s episode, that hidden clause was fulfilled in the form of a tractor race.

Six of the girls – dressed in bikinis, naturally, while Chris was dressed in a hoodie and shorts – raced at negative miles per hour in order to win a date with Chris. Kim Kardashian lookalike Ashley I., 26, won the one-on-one date.

… A tractor race!

2. Mackenzie’s One-on-One Date

Chris learned a whole lot about Mackenzie on Monday during their one-on-one date. Not only did he learn that she has a child, but he also learned that she has a “fetish” for big noses and that he, apparently, has a big nose. He didn’t really know how to take in that information.

Farmer Chris was similarly flummoxed by 21-year-old Mackenzie’s reveal that she believes in aliens. Her quirkiness must have had a certain charm, however, as Mackenzie earned a rose at the end of the evening.

3. The Drunkenness

Where to start?

Megan, 23, snuck into Chris’s house across the way from the ladies’ mansion and tried on his motorcycle helmet. Doing a stellar impression of a crash test dummy, Megan purposefully bonked her inebriated little head on various walls in order to test the safety of Chris’s helmet.

Later, Jordan found the bottoms of several glasses of wine before going on about how 25-year-old news producer Jillian needed a “weed-whacker” for her (alleged!) butt hair.

At the rose ceremony, Jordan was the hottest of messes. Poor girl. She was desperate to get a kiss from Chris, but he was emphatically not into it.

4. Ashley S.’s Possible Mental Break

It’s unclear what exactly happened in Ashley S.’s brain, but it may have begun when the 24-year-old hairstylist from Brooklyn went off on some zombies.

The girls went on a date with Chris to a (hopefully entirely fake) cemetery where they played a game of paintball. The objective was to shoot the zombies, though Ashley S. was initially pretty interested in shooting at her competitors, instead.

However, she did end up taking out more than her fair share of zombies, showing no mercy – so little mercy, in fact, that you had to feel for the people inside the zombie costumes who were continually shot with paint pellets even while lying on the ground in surrender as Ashley S. shouted her victory.

Back at the mansion, Chris said it best when he told the camera: “[Ashley S.] has moments of saying really intelligent things and then it kind of drifts off into something I don’t understand.”

This was no more clear than when Ashley S. meandered on over to Chris and told him, after crashing his one-on-one interview with the Bachelor cameras: “You don’t want to lose the whole world. Right?” Chris nodded, agreeing with all the hesitance of a man squaring off against a rabid raccoon.

“But actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul,” she said, as a seemingly terrified Chris could not even make eye contact.

Once again, “unhinged” just might be Chris’s thing – Ashley S. made it into next week.

Also worth noting

• Ashley I., 26, is a virgin, and Mackenzie is super jealous – she insisted that men love taking virginities, and Ashley told viewers in a talking head that she would love to bestow upon Chris that honor. (Yikes.)

• At the rose ceremony, when Jillian heard the name “Juelia,” she thought her name was being called. She tripped over a rug when she realized her mistake, and nearly became one with the floor. (Luckily, she, too, received a rose.)

• Chris was wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt with the zip pulled halfway up his chest both before and after pool time. It was an interesting look.

• Tara, 26, needs someone to tell her that she is kind and smart and important – after she didn’t receive a rose from Chris, she said: “I thought Chris was my number one. I did. I truly thought we had a connection, but I never seem to be anyone’s number one. … I’ll get used to rejection one day. I get it a lot. I don’t know why I’m not used to it yet.”

• After all of her efforts at the top of the episode, Kimberly did not receive a rose. (Nor did Tara, Tandra, Jordan, or Alissa.) Sad trumpet noise. The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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