We're breaking down everything you need to know from Monday's premiere of Colton Underwood's season of The Bachelor

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January 07, 2019 11:00 PM

Happy Monday, everyone. We’re officially one week into 2019, so it’s about time we welcome the new year with the only way we know how: the premiere of Colton Underwood‘s season of The Bachelor.

You might remember Colton from Becca Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette. Or you might remember him from his dramatic, on-off relationship with Tia Booth on Bachelor in Paradise. Or maybe some of you are football fans and you remember him from his NFL days. But most likely you remember Colton for his most headline-making quality: his virginity.

That’s right, this year’s Bachelor has yet to hand out his most precious rose (sorry, I had to!).

But rest easy! While he may not be the kissing bandit (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) and he’s certainly not Bachelor Nation’s resident playboy (Nick Viall? Dean Unglert?), on Monday’s premiere, Colton performed all of his Bachelor duties with poise and grace. It turns out he’s also quite endearing and funny — and actually has some major game.

Rick Rowell/ABC

THE INTRODUCTIONS

Colton’s premiere kicks off in classic Bachelor fashion: a cheesy intro showing the 26-year-old working out, showering and playing with his dogs all while talking about his deepest fears and insecurities, including, you guessed it, his virginity!

“I’m the first virgin Bachelor and it’s crazy to even think about that,” he says. “I couldn’t be more hopeful and excited.”

Enter the 30 women in the running — about half of whom, coincidentally, are blonde. For the most part, this is pretty much your textbook Bachelor cast, except for one woman who has never been kissed and another who has only kissed four men (see, the girls are just as innocent as he is!).

RELATED: Every Woman Vying for Colton Underwood’s Heart on The Bachelor

But even the women who have taken that next step in a relationship can’t help but focus on his lack of experience in the bedroom.

“If I was the person that Colton gave his virginity to, I would definitely bring out all the tricks,” says Onyeka, an IT risk consultant from Dallas, Texas.

RELATED VIDEO: The Bachelor’s Colton Underwood Says He’s ‘Undeniably Myself’ This Season

“I know that he’s a virgin, which is kind of concerning. If you only ever have a vanilla cupcake, well how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry? I feel like you have to try out all the cupcakes first to know what you really want. I’m the damn confetti cake,” says Demi, whose mom also happens to be in federal prison, though that’s neither here nor there.

THE ARRIVALS

This season’s limo arrivals were quite impressive. The women pulled out all the stops to impress Colton. Here are a few highlights:

  • Caelynn — who currently holds the title of Miss North Carolina 2018 but is looking to change it to “Miss Underwood” ASAP — she wore her sash and everything!
  • Alex D., who dresses in a head-to-toe sloth costume (because Colton likes to take things “slowly.” Get it?!) and commits to it so hard that her arrival takes up basically the entire two hours.
  • Tracy, who shows up in a cop car, because she’s the self-proclaimed fashion police.
Tracy's arrival
Rick Rowell/ABC
  • Alex B., who used cue cards to introduce herself in order to save Colton from her cold. Luckily, he hugged her anyways!
Alex B.'s arrival
Rick Rowell/ABC
  • Bri, who literally FAKED AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT to get Colton’s attention.
  • Erin, who arrived in a horse-drawn carriage and left her silver shoe behind, just like Cinderella.
  • Jane, who brought a photo-shopped picture of her dog and Colton’s pup to show him what their happy little fur family could look like.
  • Catherine, who brought her actual dog. Bye, Jane!
Catherine's arrival
Rick Rowell/ABC

Honorable mention to the two women who were bold enough to bring up Colton’s virginity upon first meeting him. That was … a choice.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

It only seems fitting that Demi, the first arrival of the night, is also the first person to pull Colton aside. The two have a pleasant-enough conversation about where they are from and their interests. After Colton compliments Demi’s eyes, she’s certain he already has “little crush” on her. Confidence? Check.

The night wears on, and the women grow progressively more and more anxious to meet with the man of the hour. Many of them choose to use their limited time for random gimmicks, like Sydney, who attempts to teach Colton to dance with the help of string quartet, and Taysha, who makes him give her a piggy-back ride.

Colton and Sydney
Rick Rowell/ABC

The first kiss of the night goes Caelynn, who seemed to win over Colton by discussing her love of travel and her old soul. “He kisses very well for a virgin,” she jokes. “I was shocked at how he just took the initiative and drew me in.”

Colton and Caelynn
Rick Rowell/ABC

He also kisses Katie after having a meaningful conversation about the importance of family. “I never expected to get kissed on the first night, but it was really good,” she says.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Bachelor premiere without a little bit of drama. Catherine finds herself in hot water when she interrupts other women to speak with Colton, not one, not two, not three, but a whopping four times. This has to be some kind of record! And while the other women are seriously bothered by her lack of Bachelor etiquette, Catherine couldn’t care less.

Colton and Catherine
Rick Rowell/ABC

The first impression rose goes to Hannah G., who honestly I had completely forgotten about up to this point, but apparently, she reminded him of “home.”

“The fact that my connection stood out to him is a dream come true,” she says.

Oh, he also kisses her. I told you he has game!

Colton and Hannah G.
Rick Rowell/ABC

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The 30 women, exhausted and delirious from the night — the sun has already risen by now — shuffle into the living room to find out who will be sent home, humiliated and at this point, probably already hungover.

Farewell, Jane, Devin, Tahzjuan, Erin, Revian and Alex D. We hardly knew you.

The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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