Bachelor No. 19 spills on losing feeling in his lips and how the ladies reacted to one eliminated contestant's sudden return

Updated February 03, 2015 08:00 AM
Advertisement
Lewis Jacobs/ABC

Chris Soules is the Bachelor! After a bittersweet exit from Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette, the farmer from Arlington, Iowa, is searching for love once again on ABC’s hit franchise. Chris, 33, will be blogging for PEOPLE.com every week about the women, the dates and the difficult decisions he’ll make on his journey to love. So check back each week, and follow Chris on Twitter.

I was so excited to take the girls to Santa Fe. I had never been there, and I haven’t really spent much time in the Southwest, so I couldn’t wait to explore it with all the women.

There are two things I want to quickly address before I get started. 1.) Megan is hilarious. I love that she thought she was leaving the country when she found out we were going to New Mexico! 2.) Yes, that is a massive zit on my temple. The truth is, Bachelors get pimples too. Please don’t send me notes telling me to stop eating so much chocolate. Please don’t send me some organic face scrub. And please don’t give my zit its own Twitter account. Actually, that might be kind of funny; I think it already has its own area code.

Okay, so Santa Fe is a pretty cool, pretty spiritual place, and I thought it would be fun to go on a date that embraced that. Little did I know I would end up shirtless and nearly hyperventilating (more on that in a bit). Of all the women, I knew Carly was the perfect person to bring on this date. She and I had already established a fun, friendly connection, but I really needed to see if we could relate on a romantic level. I thought we were going to see a love guru. Turns out that Tziporah was actually more of a sex guru. Uh oh.

I knew from the moment that I walked in and saw Tziporah that things were about to get weird. Thankfully, I’d spent a lot of time waving sage around with a love guru back in northeast Iowa. (Yeah, that never happened!) Now, what you didn’t fully get to see was that Tziporah had us start our session with at least 10 minutes of heavy breathing, almost a sort of panting exercise. Both Carly and I felt like we were going to pass out. I actually couldn’t feel my lips at all and got light-headed. When it was my turn to massage Carly, I’m not gonna lie, things got pretty awkward. It also didn’t help that some random guy was sitting behind the cameras about 15 feet away smoking cigarettes and staring at us like he wanted to join in. Not cool. I don’t know who he was, but he wasn’t a producer or a crew guy because I hadn’t seen him until that day, and I haven’t seen him since. The only time I see that creepy guy is in my nightmares!

Back to the weirdness. When Tziporah started talking about “removing masks” it was pretty clear that both Carly and I were feeling really uncomfortable. I was relieved when Carly said she didn’t want to go farther. I mean, what was Tziporah trying to get at? If it were up to her, I bet we’d have ended up fully nude. I don’t think the good people at ABC would have appreciated that – and nor would I.

The hardest part of that whole experience was not being allowed to kiss during that one exercise. Thankfully there are always plenty of Listerine strips on hand because we were actually breathing into each other’s faces. The exercise did give me a lot of insight into my feelings for Carly because I did want to kiss her, and that answered any questions I had about chemistry with her. When Carly said she felt like she wasn’t worthy of love, it broke my heart. Later that night when we got to chat without Tziporah the creepy guy around, I learned more about it. I hate that Carly hasn’t been treated well in past relationships and hasn’t been made to feel wanted or desired. The girl is beautiful inside and out, and any man who wouldn’t desire her is crazy. Giving Carly the rose that night was an easy decision, and I hope she finally felt beautiful and wanted.

The next day I couldn’t wait to take the girls whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande. No creepy guys, no sex gurus. Just me and a group of beautiful women heading out for a day of fun. It was a blast rafting down the river, and those rapids were intense. I sort of wish Jade had been in my boat so that I could have been the one to rescue her, but I want to officially thank our guide Joshua for stepping up and saving her. I’m not sure I’d have been that fast with the paddle. Also, I never would have asked Jade on this date if I’d known she had a circulation problem. I wish she had told me because that water was darn cold. Poor girl.

Later that night, I was completely shocked to see Jordan in the lobby of my hotel. To be honest, I did a double take when I saw her. I knew that I knew her, but I didn’t immediately realize it was Jordan standing there. She looked so different. She looked so much more beautiful than when I said goodbye to her a couple weeks back. Jordan explained that she’d driven six hours to come see me. Six hours? That’s a long drive! I really didn’t know what to do. I felt too bad to say goodbye to her right away, but I also didn’t feel great about bringing her to the after party. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do, but I couldn’t tell her to turn around and go home right away. I didn’t realize how strongly the girls would react, and that the whole night would be focused on Jordan, and like all things in life, hindsight is 20/20.

That after party sucked. It wasn’t much of a party at all. Most of the girls used their time to talk about Jordan, which was totally counterproductive. There were only a couple – namely Kaitlyn and Whitney – who didn’t want to waste their time talking about her, and I appreciated that. I was also really surprised watching Whitney and Ashley I.’s interactions. Seeing it now, I’m even happier that I gave Whitney the rose. There was no reason for the girls to be mean to Jordan when it was my decision to bring her to the party. Whitney’s right, I don’t want a mean girl. Either way, the entire night, the decision to invite Jordan to the party was gnawing at me, and I realized I couldn’t have her rejoin us. My relationships with the other women were too far along, and I would have been lying to myself if I thought she and I could catch up. I had to say goodbye to her, but I admired her tenacity in coming back. I really hope she no longer has regrets.

The first time I saw how Britt reacted to her one-on-one date card was when you all saw it. So, I had no idea she was terrified of heights. I was pretty shocked watching that because of how excited she was on our date. But before I get to that, what you didn’t get to see was that the morning I went to wake up Britt, I didn’t just wake her up. I went into all of the girls’ rooms to say good morning, and then I did what any other normal guy would do – I raided their fridge! They had awesome food! Pumpkin pie, cheese platters I even ate an entire can of whipped cream straight out of the can. It was 4:30 a.m., I was starving and I had to do something to wake up. I mean, I had only slept for, like, three hours.

When it came time to wake up Britt, I did not mean to shush Carly. I don’t even remember doing that. I do remember trying to stay quiet (and that is hard to do when a camera crew is following you everywhere you go). I’m sure I shushed the camera crew, the producers, the housekeepers we walked by in the hall, the ice machine and yes, maybe even a couple of the girls. I just didn’t want to ruin the surprise! Carly, I’m sorry about that. And, in hindsight, I shouldn’t have kissed Britt with the other girls in the room, but I honestly couldn’t help myself. She looked so beautiful and so excited; it was the only natural thing to do. Also, I’m a dude. And hey, I don’t know whether it’s normal or not for girls to sleep in their makeup. I know there was a lot of talk about that, but I can’t speak for Britt on why she did that, all I know is that she looked gorgeous, and I’m sure she’d look beautiful without makeup, too. And about all that showering business, Britt always smelled good – and looked good – so I really don’t know what to say about that. I’m the kind of guy who showers every day (as all of America gets to see!) but to each her own, right?

Anyway, that morning was spectacular. Britt hid any fears she had extremely well because, from what I could tell, she was beyond excited for the hot air balloon. Back at my hotel, I just wanted to spend more time getting to know Britt. She’d mentioned to me a few weeks prior that her perfect date would be taking a nap, so I made that happen. I didn’t know she’d go and tell all the girls about it. I know, I should have known. The girls always talk! Also, I want to reiterate the fact that I don’t get to see or hear what happens when I’m not around until it’s on television. Watching the girls talk about Britt while we were on our date, as well as about how she said she didn’t want kids any time soon and loved being single, was the first I’d heard of that. She seemed sincere when she was telling me about her desire for marriage and kids. All I can say is stay tuned .

I was really surprised when Kelsey knocked on my door while I was getting ready for the cocktail party. I appreciated that she came to see me and opened up to me, but, watching it now, I don’t understand why she would brag about how good her “story” is. To me, her story is heartbreaking and sad, and I felt really bad for her. I didn’t necessarily feel like it was the right time to kiss her, but it just kind of happened.

Later that night, I couldn’t shake the heavy feeling I had weighing on my heart. The more I thought about Kelsey’s story, the more I realized how precious time was. I knew that I had already made my decisions about who would be going home, and I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. I just couldn’t look into their eyes and pretend that I still hadn’t made up my mind. I had to take a couple minutes to myself to decide how to move forward. Chris Harrison, of course, came to check on me. I always appreciate that guy’s advice. Little did I know the night would get a whole lot crazier. Kelsey Kelsey Kelsey, oh my. Did I go check on her? And did she really have a panic attack or was she just faking it? And who will end up on the most dramatic two-on-one date in Bachelor history? Tune in next week to find out!

As always, thanks for reading.

Chris