"At the end, with my father, I loved him to death, but in the beginning, I prayed for his death," Amber Portwood said of her late father

By Alexia Fernandez
May 19, 2020 09:38 PM
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Amber Portwood
Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic

Amber Portwood is attempting to move on from the abuse she says she has previously suffered from her late father and find a new path forward with her boyfriend, Dimitri.

The MTV star, 30, opened up about her alcoholic father, Shawn Sr., on Tuesday's episode of Teen Mom OG in which her Belgian boyfriend accompanied her to a therapy session.

Portwood told her psychiatrist, Dr. Stachler, she had asked Dimitri to take a lie detector test after news of their relationship leaked online. The mom of two admitted she was scared after Dimitri passed the test, having confirmed he was not using her for personal gain.

"At the time, ecstatic and when I got home I started crying and I was really scared because now that means moving to the next step of the relationship," Portwood said, explaining, "I didn't really grow up around a lot of love."

Portwood said it had been "pretty hard" for her to live a healthy life "when all you knew until the age of 14 was, 'You're a bitch,' 'You're this,' 'You're that.' It messes with your head a little."

Stachler told Portwood, "I think growing up with an alcoholic father has a lot to do with your adult relationships."

"It has everything to do with it, honestly," she said of her dad, who died in December 2014. "At the end, with my father, I loved him to death, but in the beginning, I prayed for his death."

Earlier in the episode, Portwood revealed she had explained to Dimitri what her mental health struggles were, telling a producer, "We were sitting together and just to be curious I went to a website and I translated what bipolar disorder type 2 was, and what borderline was and anxiety and PTSD and s— like that."

"He looked at me and said, ‘Now I understand more.’ He got it a little bit more," she said. "I said to him, ‘Just, sometimes, you have to be gentle with me,’ and I said, ‘You know, it’s not just you that has to be that way, I have to be gentle with you too.' "

Portwood also told Dimitri she wanted to be able to work through her past traumas to avoid placing the burden on him.

RELATED VIDEO: Teen Mom OG's Amber Portwood Says She's 'Heartbroken' Nearly a Month After Arrest

"I feel, personally, in the way that we are together compared to my exes, it’s completely different," she told Dimitri. "I get the respect back from you as well. Now I know the loyalty that you have for me and the honesty you have for me. It's just a huge relief for me."

"But now its time for me to get my s— together," she said. "I just want to make sure I’m able to fall in love with you without putting all of these past issues on you. I just don’t think that’s fair to you. I know I can fall in love with you 100 percent with no questions. I know that we can be super happy, it’s just I'm scared."

Dimitri asked, "Scared for what?"

"I'm scared I'm going to get hurt," she told him. 

Portwood is a mom to two kids: 1-year-old son James with ex-boyfriend Andrew Glennon and 11-year-old daughter Leah with ex-boyfriend Gary Shirley.

She first revealed she was dating again following her split from Glennon on an episode of Teen Mom OG, telling producers she’d met the Belgian online.

Shortly after, Dimitri flew to Idaho to spend three months with Portwood, who was accompanied to the airport by Shirley.

Speaking to PEOPLE in late March, Portwood said she and Dimitri are "still talking."

"He's in Belgium. The coronavirus is obviously a big reason [we can't see each other], and that's okay because a lot of couples at the moment who are still in the same state have to do this," she acknowledged.

Teen Mom OG airs Tuesdays (8 p.m. ET) on MTV.