The comedian told Glamour that he thinks the world would be a better place if women were in charge

By Julia Emmanuele
Updated August 14, 2015 03:20 PM
Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

We love Stephen Colbert for a lot of reasons: He’s smart, he’s goofy, he’s charming and, most of all, he says what we’re all thinking.

The new host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert did just that in an essay for Glamour‘s September issue in which he admitted that late-night television can be, well, “a bit of a sausagefest.”

“It has been pointed out to me that I, like other late-night TV hosts, am a man,” writes Colbert, 51. “And while I’m happy to have a job, I am surprised that the world of late-night TV lacks a female presence, unlike sitcoms, which are packed with smoking-hot wives who teach their doughy husband a valuable lesson when he slips on a pizza and falls headfirst into a porta-potty full of beer. Check your local listings.”

“While there are many talented female comedians out there,” he continues, “right now the world of late-night is a bit of a sausagefest. Perhaps one day it will be just the opposite – which I believe is called a Georgia O’Keeffe retrospective.”

But while Colbert might not be able to explain to us exactly why there is such a great gender disparity on TV after 11 p.m. – and he admits it’s “not my place to mansplain to you about the manstitutionalized manvantages built into Americman manciety” – he does have a plan for what he can do to make things a little bit better.

“I’m here for you, and that means I’m going to do my best to create a Late Show that not only appeals to women but also celebrates their voices.”

And when he says women, he means all women. “Maybe you’re a woman who likes women,” Colbert speculates. “Maybe you like women and men. Maybe you’re a woman who’s recently transitioned. Maybe you’re a guy who’s reading this magazine because your girlfriend bought a copy and it looked interesting. Whoever you are, I promise: I’m going to lean in on this. It really accentuates my muffin top.”

Of course, if it were completely up to Colbert, late night would be far from the only place where women would be put in prominent leadership roles: “To be honest, sometimes I wonder whether the world would be a better place if women were in charge.”

In case anyone else wants to help Colbert make that dream a reality, he already has a plan at the ready. “Simply tell the men of the world that you’re trying to start a campfire,” he proposes. “While we’re all arguing with one another about proper kindling placement and whether using lighter fluid is cheating, women can just quietly start getting stuff done.”

We’re in if you are, Stephen.

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

premieres Sept. 8 on CBS.