On Monday's Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon Beador lamented about her strained relationship with husband David Beador

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Shannon Beador has been open about the distance she’s felt from husband David Beador in the year since the couple renewed their vows in a surprise ceremony on last season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. And on Monday’s episode, viewers saw the strain between the two during a tense family dinner.

“There’s clearly a disconnect happening between David and I,” Shannon, 53, confessed to viewers during the meal. “I want that husband that looked at me with adoring eyes. I want him back!”

Earlier in the episode, the mother of three had a heart-to-heart with her mother Pat, admitting that her 40-lb. weight gain —which occurred over a year of emotional stress-eating in the wake of false allegations made by Vicki Gunvalson last season that David “beat the s—” out of Shannon — has created a wedge in her marriage.

“With all the weight gain, I don’t know how it happened,” Shannon said, holding back tears. “I feel so… I mean, I don’t want to cry, but I just feel so s—– about myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself, and I know that David is just disgusted with the whole thing. … I don’t like what I see, at least I can justify in my head. ‘This is why David is growing apart from you, because look at you.’ ”

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Shannon Beador and David Beador
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“Ever since our vow renewal, David keeps taking steps back from me,’ Shannon continued. “And now, as I’ve let myself go, I know that we just kind of stay clear of each other. A couple of weeks ago, he said ‘Our marriage isn’t doing well.'”

Adding to the issue is the fact that David had previously had an affair, something that nearly tore their relationship apart. And though they’ve been working to repair their marriage since, David’s distance — which he previously said was in response to Shannon’s stress — only reminds Shannon more and more of the period before he first cheated on her.

“I don’t know, sometimes I have thoughts about that affair and think, ‘Will I really ever get over it?’ ” Shannon wondered. “I’m so distant with David right now, I’m reminded of the period of the affair. Before I would be able to forget about it because I would say, ‘Everything’s so great.’ But now it’s not so great. It’s like a vicious cycle.”

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Shnnon Beador
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Pat, who divorced Shannon’s father while the Orange County Housewife was in college after he was unfaithful, told her daughter she needs to figure out what she could do improve her marriage.

“The scars there… you’re hurting, it’s a raw spot. You have to try to think about, ‘What are the things that made it better,’ ” Pat said. “Those things will help bring it back. Concentrate more on your own life and the things you want to do. My biggest thing is my family. You’ve got three of the most wonderful girls that I have ever known in the world. You couldn’t be blessed with better girls. You spend a lot of time with them, and that should make you happy.”

Shannon agreed to focus on the positives. But it was hard for the audience to ignore the digs David threw her way during a dinner later on in the episode — like when Shannon retold a story about a car accident she got into when she was a teenager.

“That’s what happens when you don’t take the silver spoon out of your mouth,” David said.

“Okay, not very nice,” Shannon responded. “I worked every single weekend. We had 20-acres. I used to haul logs up in a wheelbarrow every weekend. And wash the cars… I did grow up privileged. I appreciate it, I’m grateful for it! But I did work.”

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David said he was “kidding” but later wondered whether their kids appreciated their lifestyle, telling his girls, “You don’t know any different, is the problem.”

Once again, the moment caused awkwardness between her and David. “You know, I actually disagree with you about that,” Shannon said — David not responding.

Between that and the fact that David has been often choosing to hit the gym rather than spend time with Shannon and their three children, things between the Beadors still appear to remain to be a work in progress.

In August,Shannon assured PEOPLE that she and David are in a good place. “We’re doing well,” Shannon said, adding that “relationships have their highs and lows.”

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Mondays (9 p.m. ET) on Bravo.