March 17, 2016 08:45 AM

Tolstoy would have totally been a Gladiator: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

This week’s Scandal episode opens with a dinner party only evil genius Rowan (Joe Morton) could have masterminded: He and daughter Olivia (Kerry Washington) meeting the mysterious Vanessa, the surprise fiancée of Jake (Scott Foley), whom Papa Pope considers his hitman “son” and Liv has been having hot hate-sex with since ditching President Fitz (Tony Goldwyn).

Olivia plays the perfect hostess, detailing the evening’s crepe-cake dessert with the charming grace of a Stepford Wife (to be fair, she honed that skill during her brief stint as the de facto first lady). Vanessa preciously recalls meeting Jake in line at Shake Shack (what, no Gettysburger?!) and later at a Georgetown café, and the newly engaged couple banters over whether to hold the wedding “on the Vineyard.”

But something shady’s going on beneath Olivia’s perfect smile as she orchestrates a break-in to Jake’s home, getting Quinn (Katie Lowes) and Charlie (George Newbern) to bug the place so Pope & Associates can spy on him later. You can take the boy out of B-613, but …

“I’m sure that you already know this, but Jake, he thinks the world of you,” Vanessa purrs to our favorite political fixer. “How did you describe her again?”

“Uh, the sister I never had,” Jake says.

Um … ew?! Excuse us as we take 500 showers before uncorking a bottle of red wine and microwaving our popcorn to watch this freaky relationship unfold.

Scandal airs Thursday at 9 p.m. ET on ABC.

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