The special, which was taped Aug. 27 in Los Angeles, rounded up a slew of celebrities to rip on 52-year-old Lowe, including Peyton Manning, Jewel, Karate Kid actor Ralph Macchio, Pete Davidson, Nikki Glaser, Rob Riggle, Jimmy Carr, Jeff Ross, Ann Coulter and roastmaster David Spade.
The digs spanned from Lowe’s acting career and good looks to his infamous past liaisons – all while his family, wife Sheryl and sons Matthew, 22, and John Owen, 20, sat in the audience.
“Rob, in both your sex tapes you appeared with two other people – good God, you can’t even carry a sex tape,” quipped Riggle. “You’re like the me of sex tapes. Self-deprecating! Beats you to the punch!”
Jewel also took quite the jab at the roastee’s sex tape by singing to the tune of her hit “You Were Meant for Me” – and switching up the lyrics.
“Rob you are such a whore / you completely forgot we hooked up before. You showed me your penis / when I was just 16-ish. Back in 1988 / I was the girl on your sex tape,” she crooned. “Maybe you missed my name / because you were high on so much cocaine. Out of all your films / I’m the best thing you were ever in.”
“For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. But he cured it by getting less famous,” said Spade, later adding, “Rob came up at a time when a sex tape could really ruin your career. But Rob had to do it the hard way – with his acting.”
Chimed in Ross: “Rob Lowe. Or as the girls in the sex tape said, ‘Rob, no!’ ”
Roastmaster Spade also made light of Lowe’s previous struggle with alcohol abuse.
“Rob has been sober 26 years. To put that in perspective. If sobriety was a baby, he would have f—ed it 10 years ago,” he quipped, later adding, “Rob has been called the comeback kid – no, I read that wrong. Rob has come on a kid. Glad we got that out of the way.”
But the most scathing jabs of the night were directed not at Lowe, but at Coulter as the conservative political commentator was hit by one comedian after another throughout the roast.
“Is Pete white? Is he black?” said Spade. “Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him. … She seems stiff and conservative, but she gets wild in the sheets. Just ask the clan.”
“Ann Coulter, if you’re here who’s scaring the crows away from our crops?” said Davidson. “Last year we had Martha Stewart who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter who cuts eye holes in them.”
“Fun fact: Ann Coulter has a big angry bush,” added Riggle. “No joke, that’s just a fun fact.”
“Gay men love Ann Coulter. It’s because two minutes into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate p—y,” said Jewel.
“One of the most repugnant, hateful hatchet bitches alive, but it’s not too late to change, Ann – you could kill yourself,” said Carr.
Added Glaser: “Don’t be mad. At least I acknowledge the Holocaust – Ann doesn’t even think it happened.”
Even Lowe himself had something to say: “It’s 56 days to Halloween, but I see that Ann Coulter is already in her skeleton costume,” he quipped, adding, “Ann, after your set tonight, we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.”
Coulter, 54, recently opened up about the roast to The Hollywood Reporter, slamming the network for its “decision to shift away from humor.”
“I’m sure there are lots of funny jokes about people dying,” she said, “these weren’t those.”