Credit: Courtesy Bravo

So, I had a lovely dinner party at home (fun guests, braised lamb shanks, potato gratin and apple crisp) and caught The Real Housewives of Miami on DVR. Two things stood out to me tonight: First, I nearly drowned in my red wine when Lea Black called into Watch What Happens Live to call Cristy Rice a $1,000-a-night hooker because she didn’t pay for all the people in her party who attended her gala. Also, how in the world did Adriana manage to miss picking up her son while simultaneously making it her boyfriend’s fault? Let’s review:

After nonsense, like Alexia’s stepson, the editor of Venue magazine, complaining about all the same people being in the society pages of their magazine (same problem, different city), we get to Chef Pepin, his lunch and Adriana’s problem.

Can I respectfully ask a question? Is anyone who watches Bravo also a viewer of anything on Univision? If so, do you know who Chef Pepin is? (Imagine the Cuban Emeril.) Yes, he used a crockpot in this episode, which lost him points, but maybe he just phoned it in for a bunch of silly women with big hair. And my big question for Chef Pepin is: What is your best recipe for pollo borracho? It’s my husband’s current obsession. Tweet me. I’m waiting.

During the drama, Adriana gets a phone call that her child has no one to pick him up and is alone in the parking lot at school. Lots of us are moms, but I do not understand this. Was Adriana so consumed with first season – “woo-hoo, I’m filming a show” – that she forgot about picking up her son? Please, please, please tell me that this was creative editing because there needed to be some drama. Please tell me she didn’t actually forget. Or, even if she did, because everyone is human, is she not friends with one or two other parents? Can’t she text them?

I speak from experience – in the last seven days I covered for four parents, and one saved my backside last week. Does she not have those relationships? Don’t call your new boyfriend in the middle of his meeting (whether it was business or afternoon shots) to demand that he deal with your kid. Either set up the infrastructure yourself, or leave the party and get him. Ugh.

So let’s continue on to Larsa. Her nannies don’t work. Or they don’t cook. I’m not sure I understand. Anyway, her mom wants to fire one, and Larsa happily passes the buck. That’s right, let Mommy fire your nanny. That’ll work out perfectly.

Onto the big event of the episode: First of all, congratulations to Lea for throwing a successful event. Second, Ms. Lea, why didn’t you post the link for people to donate online on your Bravo blog? That was sloppy; you’re missing dollars. Here – I’ll do it for you:

Really, really good job at filling the room with paying (except for Cristy’s second guest) donors, getting big ticket auction items and selling them. Also, did we just make history? Is Kim Zolciak’s appearance the first time we’ve experienced Housewives crossover? Besides that time two years ago with Simon, myself and the Manzos that lives in the WWHL vault? Bwahahaha!

I truly loved Elsa, the makeup artist – was that Marysol’s twin? – and herself, getting ready for Lea’s event, suggesting jewelry and styling Marysol in her green extravaganza. I loved that Gloria Estefan wanted to hide from the paparazzi. Moreover, I loved that Lea and her people raised lots of money for at-risk youth. The rest is silly, and I need to refill my glass. Until next week!

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