Credit: Courtesy Bravo

We begin the finale episode of The Real Housewives of Miami with colorful socks and comfortable heels. I’d expect nothing less from Elsa, including her (professed?) inability to remember what she did last night or how many husbands her daughter has had. Doesn’t that remind you of episode one when Marysol didn’t remember what day it was? I can’t wait for the Elsa and Marysol roadshow, though it would literally have to be on the road since Mama doesn’t fly well. Maybe Phillippe could drive, if he puts down his Blackberry.

Alexia prepped her son Peter to enter the modeling world, and I have to say, tonight was the first time I really appreciated something she said – that shyness can be seen as arrogance. Well said, Mama, because not everyone can see themselves, though being on a reality show hopefully helps. There seems to be a lot of love there.

Loved that Larsa put together a good-looking shopping party, but the love ended there. She seemed like Miami’s biggest whiner with Adriana, and though I’m certainly not Adriana’s biggest fan – what was up with the impromptu swimsuit modeling? – I think Larsa protested too much. Last week I said Larsa should have thrown them out, but she didn’t, and if in hindsight she complained that Adriana and Cristy ruined the lunch, Larsa must never have eaten lunch in New York. That’s why they keep body bags in the coat check up here.

Oh, Adriana … whether it’s an artist who didn’t deliver enough work, a gala ticket bill or her future with her boyfriend, one cannot accuse her of being smooth. She needed to bring up whether they’d marry or not, but I wanted to cringe for the way she insisted that Frederic had a duty to support her son. If I were the boyfriend I might have turned and walked away. But since he didn’t, you have to give it to her – it was a success. The lap dance was cute, and you know, I really didn’t mind her so much this week despite her saying that men are stupid. I hope she and Frederic are happy together.

“What crime are you looking to commit,” Elsa hissed at someone who wanted to put ice in her wine, and I died. I wish she’d tell that to some of my friends. Phillippe and Marysol’s cooking party started beautifully and went downhill from there. First, I completely understand their desire to get the packaged salmon some airtime, but they had to know they’d get snark from the ladies. What no one saw coming, though, was Larsa’s attack on Elsa. Let’s review: Elsa did not walk into the party foisting her vibes on anyone. In fact, she didn’t say anything. Larsa came in with a chip on her shoulder and demanded to be told something about herself, like Chaka Khan singing “Tell Me Something Good,” while simultaneously insisting she didn’t believe in any of that nonsense. Elsa didn’t want to go there, and pulled a Jason-the-First move from New York City by saying, “We’ll talk about it later.” Larsa wouldn’t let up, and she got what she deserved, proving Elsa’s comments about immaturity to be spot on. Even Cristy, whom I’d never really liked up to now, was better behaved – although she disagreed with Elsa, she did so respectfully.

And finally, we are taken to a farm in the middle of the Florida countryside for the finale luncheon. Lea must really not like the other ladies – I didn’t quite get the idea. What’s the point of “punking” them? Personally, I would have loved tromping around picking edible flowers with Michelle Bernstein, but in jeans and boots, not a cocktail dress and hat. I just didn’t get it, and Lea came across really angry. Having been through several seasons of a reality show myself, I completely relate to that point at the end of filming when you just need a break and don’t want to see any of your cast members for a month … but that attitude rarely makes good TV. Anyway, the salad looked tasty and Cristy in particular was a good sport. I wish I could say I wanted to slap the whiners for complaining about the mosquitoes, but ultimately I didn’t really care that much.

My last suggestion about Miami? Find a show for Elsa and Marysol, and put Lea on The Real Housewives of D.C., if her husband can take another season. And a huge thank you to Chef Pepin (from Cristy’s lunch in episode two,) who sent me a delicious-looking recipe for Pollo Borrachisimo, which I’m going to make for Simon this weekend – I’ll let you know how it goes! Adiés, y hasta la semana préxima en Nueva York!

For more about Real Housewives, visit For more on Alex, including her book, Little Kids, Big City, visit her Web site or follow her on Twitter