The season 4 premiere of Total Bellas chronicled the aftermath of the couple's split last summer

By Aurelie Corinthios
January 14, 2019 11:19 AM

The aftermath of Nikki Bella and John Cena‘s split is unfolding on this season of Total Bellas.

On Sunday’s season premiere, Nikki, 35, opened up about how she was coping after ending her engagement to the pro wrestler last summer.

“My breakup’s been a very difficult thing,” she admitted during a confessional interview.

“I don’t even know if I can get through it,” she continued, choking back tears. “I don’t want to compare it to death or divorce, but you’re pretty much saying goodbye to something forever.”

RELATED: Nikki Bella Is Casually Dating Her DWTS Partner Artem Chigvinstev, Source Says: ‘They’re Having Fun’

The first step to moving on? Moving out.

“Moving all my stuff out is just — it makes it closure,” Nikki said after traveling back to her and Cena’s place in Tampa, Florida, to pack up everything she left behind.

“And I think that’s the hardest part, when you move out and you shut that door and you give someone your keys,” she said. “That just shuts the door to your heart, to that love and to the memories. No new memories will be made which is so hard to think about.”

RELATED VIDEO: Nikki Bella Officially Cancels Wedding to John Cena Again: ‘I’ve Ruined Everyone’s Fairy Tale’

Determined to start fresh, Nikki decided she wanted to leave San Diego, where she and Cena also shared a home, and move to Los Angeles — but her twin sister Brie wasn’t too happy with the decision.

“I’m more sad in San Diego,” Nikki said. “I’m not that sad when I’m in L.A. … because I’m around people that aren’t talking about marriage and kids 24/7 or saying, ‘How are you feeling?’ “

“Shame on us for asking how you feel,” Brie replied. “So come to a city where no one gives a s—, that’s what you want?”

“I feel like I’m looking at her life from the outside and I kind of know the best decisions for her,” Brie explained. “She’s going to put herself in a harder place by moving to L.A. I honestly feel that if she stays here in San Diego, it will help her heal. And that’s what I’m not letting it go.”

Nevertheless, Nikki went ahead and found a house, apologizing for “springing” the news of her move on her sister.

“Not that I feel like I have to discuss those kind of decisions with you, but you being not only my twin sister but my business partner, I felt like, ‘Okay, maybe I should have involved Brie a little bit more in my decision,’ ” she said.

At the end of the day, Nikki was proud of finally putting herself first.

“I didn’t care what anyone thought,” she said. “And I did it for me because I know I need it. I just need something so brand new, scary and fresh.”

Total Bellas airs Sundays (9 p.m. ET) on E!

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