How to Survive a Celebrity Breakup, by Miss Piggy
"Please, dear friends, don't worry too much about moi or my fellow celebrity breakup victims," writes The Muppets' starfine.
You don’t have to tell moi that 2015 was a tough year for celebrity couples. I lived it. Gone are those carefree, tabloid-teasing days of power couples “Bennifer,” “Blambert” and that most famous of fabulous pairings, “Piggmit” or were we “Kerggy”? I can never remember.
What is it like being at the center of this celebrity-split maelstrom? Simply put: It stinks! You can call it an “amicable parting,” a “trial separation” or an “unconscious uncoupling,” but there are no words to describe the heartache, sorrow and massive amounts of paperwork that occur when two celebrities breakup.
And while the emotional costs are staggering, publicity costs can be even worse. First, you have to release a heavily redacted statement about the breakup that dances wildly around the truth. Then, you have to spin the story so you come out looking good enough to be employable as a singles act. Finally, you have to pay for all those “Team Piggy” T-shirts, which aren’t cheap, especially if you have demanding fans who absolutely refuse to wear a poly-fiber blend.
But please, dear friends, don’t worry too much about moi or my fellow celebrity breakup victims. I, for one, am doing just fine.