Mayim Bialik 'Didn't Feel Beautiful' Filming the 'Big Bang Theory' Finale's Wedding Scene

Mayim Bialik revealed the many feelings and struggles behind-the-scenes that stirred up emotions about her own wedding and marriage that ended in divorce

It was the event every Big Bang Theory fan had been waiting and wishing for — Amy and Sheldon finally got married!

Mayim Bialik and Jim Parsons‘ characters tied the knot during the season 11 finale on Thursday with many heartfelt moments and plenty of special guests, including Kathy Bates and silent magician Teller, who played Amy’s parents.

However, Bialik, 42, revealed that she had many feelings and struggles behind-the-scenes that stirred up emotions about her own marriage, which ended in divorce.

“Wearing a wedding dress is not comfortable for me. When I myself got married, I wasn’t even comfortable with it. Too frilly, too feminine, too… predictable,” the actress wrote in a blog post on her website.

The Bow Tie Asymmetry
Michael Yarish/CBS

“As a divorced woman, it’s hard to revisit that moment and those decisions. It’s still painful to think about putting on the dress you take vows in,” said Bialik, who was married to Michael Stone for nine years from 2003-12.

“The dress that is in every picture of the perfect happy life you think you will have when you’re young and getting married,” she explained. “I felt nostalgia and whimsy, too. I wondered if people wondered if I want to get married again and if they pitied me. I would have been fine in a more ‘conventional’ gown, but our producers really wanted Amy’s eccentricity to shine through.”

Though her character felt gorgeous on her big wedding day, Bialik did not while shooting the scene.

“I didn’t feel beautiful. Because this is real life. I had started losing weight a few months ago. Why? Because I needed to,” the mother of two shared.

The Bow Tie Asymmetry
Michael Yarish/CBS

“I was not comfortable at my weight and I started eating much better and exercising and lo and behold; I lost some weight. I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin. And then I got a series of antibiotic-needing bacterial illnesses and was not allowed to work out for a month,” Bialik recalled.

“And so, I gained the weight back. I wanted to keep losing. And instead I’m back to not being comfortable. I felt ashamed. I felt like maybe the wardrobe ladies were looking at me like, ‘Oh, she tried to lose weight and maybe she didn’t have the willpower,’ ” she said. “They probably would never think that–it’s my brain thinking that. But that’s the truth. I didn’t feel my best. I felt crummy about it. Even though everyone said I looked beautiful, I didn’t feel completely beautiful.”

The Bow Tie Asymmetry
Michael Yarish/CBS

The scene itself also made Bialik emotional.

“I was afraid to read the script. I held my breath when it landed in my inbox the night before we started to rehearse it. I had so many expectations and I wanted to have none, but I couldn’t help it,” she revealed.

The Bow Tie Asymmetry
Michael Yarish/CBS

She even got choked up over the vows Amy recited to Sheldon.

“It is emotional to tell someone you love them even when you’re acting. The first time I read those lines, I got emotional for real. Because it is my job to embody this character and to feel what she feels,” she said. “She is me and I am her, I suppose. I love Jim Parsons as my co-worker and friend. Although it’s sometimes hard to keep a straight face saying such lovey-dovey things, there’s no one I would rather say them to than Jim.”

The Big Bang Theory has been renewed for a 12th season but star Johnny Galecki hinted in January that the popular CBS sitcom would most likely end after that.

“I won’t know until August! Everyone is asking me if we’re going to have a baby. Gosh, it’s just like real life; let us enjoy the honeymoon before pressuring us into having babies!” Bialik said on what fans could expect next.

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