"It was a new low for our relationship and my life," Lamar Odom recalls in his new memoir, Darkness to Light

By Robyn Merrett
May 29, 2019 10:58 AM
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Lamar Odom is opening up about a dark time in his marriage to Khloé Kardashian that has left him feeling “embarrassed and ashamed.”

In his new memoir, Darkness to Light, which is available now, Odom, 39, says he once threatened to kill Kardashian, 34, while he was high on cocaine and ecstasy in his “man cave.”

Odom writes he got so upset with Kardashian after she called his friends over to intervene because he was hallucinating.

“At that point, I couldn’t tell reality from fantasy. I was on ecstasy and coke. I was sure that people were coming for me. They wanted to get me.”

Odom says he even thought that there were microphones in his walls, so he “took a golf club and swung away.”

“I began smashing the walls to find them.”

After his friends had checked on him, Odom says “Khloé came down and knocked on the door.”

“I opened it suddenly and grabbed her forcefully by the shoulders, which frightened her,” Lamar writes in the memoir.

“What the f— are you doing?’ I screamed, out of my mind. ‘You trying to embarrass me in front of my friends? I’ll f—— kill you! You don’t know what I’m capable of!'”

Lamar Odom and Khloé Kardashian

Odom says he later asked Kardashian “to forgive me.”

“I was embarrassed and ashamed,” he says. “It was a new low for our relationship and my life… the most regrettable moment in a series of regrettable moments.”

A rep for Kardashian did not return PEOPLE’s request for comment.

Odom previously spoke about his failed marriage to Kardashian, revealing that there are so many things he would have done differently.

“I wish I could have been more of a man,” Odom, who admitted that he was unfaithful to Kardashian in addition to hiding his cocaine addiction, told PEOPLE in an exclusive interview earlier this month.

“It still bothers me to this day. But regret is something we have to learn to live with.”

Despite the acrimonious split — the divorce was finalized in 2016 — Odom says their whirlwind romance was bliss in the beginning. The couple wed in 2009, just one month after they met.

RELATED: Lamar Odom Feels Deep Regret About Cheating On and Lying to Ex Khloé Kardashian

“At the start of our marriage I was faithful to her,” he writes in his memoir.

“For a while, being with her was bliss and I was the happiest I’ve ever been,” Odom recalls. “We were one of the most famous couples in Hollywood and we made more money together than we had individually.”

But Odom struggled to fight his addictions to sex and drugs.

“I could not handle the lethal cocktail of the spotlight, addiction, a diminishing career and infidelity,” he writes. “Oh, did I mention the paranoia, anxiety, depression… I couldn’t keep my d— in my pants or the coke out of my nose. Drug addicts are incredibly skilled at hiding their habit. I’d get defensive and Khloé would just drop it.”

Kardashian ultimately learned about the infidelity and the lies and they separated, but she didn’t turn her back on her ex.

When Odom was hospitalized and near death following an overdose in 2015, Kardashian, who is now mom to 13-month-old daughter True with ex Tristan Thompson, was by his side.

“I remember waking up and her showing me pictures of my mother,” Odom, whose mother Cathy died of cancer when he was 12, told PEOPLE. “I was surprised by how quick she was to show her devotion to me.”

Lamar Odom and Khloé Kardashian

Odom says he is now drug-free, but admits he still struggles with his demons.

When it comes to Kardashian, “I hope we can be friends,” Odom told PEOPLE. “I miss the family. And I hope we can all be reacquainted one day.”

If you suspect domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or go to thehotline.org. All calls are toll-free and confidential. The hotline is available 24/7 in more than 170 languages.