The businesswoman brought down the house with her jokes about prison and coming onto the singer
But the 73-year-old businesswoman, who Kevin Hart described as having “more street cred than Ludacris and Snoop Dogg combined,” ended up being a laugh riot during Comedy Central’s Bieber roast that aired Monday. The lifestyle guru took hilarious swipes at fellow roasters like Shaquille O’Neal, Ludacris, Chris D’Elia and Natasha Legerre. But she saved her best material for the guest-of-honor, who didn’t seem to know how to react to the sassy mogul.
In case you missed her first-ever roast appearance, here’s what Stewart had to say at the event that taped earlier this month near Hollywood:
“First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. It’s really great to be here. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I’ve ever done.
“As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget the term for that, it’s not ‘African-American rich.’ It will come to me. Justin, you know the word.
“I know you are all wondering why I’m here tonight. It’s because Martha Stewart changes people’s lives for the better. Like Shaq for instance, when Shaq bought his house, I was the first person he called. The house had 13 bedrooms and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators. I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
“It’s nice to see Snoop again, one of the highest-rated episodes on my show, Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I made brownies together. I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast. Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.
“I do a lot of gardening but [Natasha Legerre], you are without a doubt the dirtiest, used-up ho I have ever seen. Natasha, when a woman is as sexually active as you are, they have to take special care of their body. I’ve come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of. You know, like Chris D’Elia.
“Hannibal [Buress], all night I’ve been trying to remember who you remind me of. Then it hit me, you look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.
“Justin, before I go, here is my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal but she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich, someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a playa in the board room and a freak in the bedroom.
“So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.”