December 29, 2014 01:00 PM

John Oliver preached to many a choir in a Last Week Tonight Web exclusive when he railed against New Year’s Eve for being the absolute worst holiday known to man.

“New Year’s Eve is like the death of a pet. You know it’s going to happen, but somehow, you’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is,” Oliver said. “New Year’s Eve is the worst.”

Why, you may ask?

For its combination of the three “least pleasant things known to mankind,” as told by Oliver: “forced interaction with strangers; being drunk, cold, and tired; and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes waiting for him to tell you what the time is.”

Of course, Oliver is not here to simply tell us what we already know – he’s got solutions for getting you – yes, you – out of all obligations courtesy of some “excellent and specific excuses.”

For example, if you’ve been invited to a friend’s house, “Do you really want to sit on your friend’s sofa and watch hummus turn brown all night? No, nobody does.” Indeed.

So, what you do is “simply tell [your friends] you’re doing a cleanse. Not technically not an excuse,” Oliver admits, “but the beauty is there will be no follow-up questions, because nobody wants to hear about your f—ing cleanse.”

Last Week Tonight returns from hiatus on Feb. 8 and airs Sundays at 11 p.m. ET on HBO.

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