"I want to take a g-- d--- pain pill so bad," Duane Chapman says in his reality show's season finale
In Wednesday night’s finale of WGN’s Dog’s Most Wanted, Duane, 66, becomes overcome with grief hours after Beth’s death — and he begins to contemplate suicide.
“I’ve only been alone as I showered and I had to run out without a towel, because I can’t be alone right now,” Duane told the camera during the final episode. “That’s when I start thinking about things. And I lay down to take a nap, and I reached over to touch something, and it was the freaking dog. I don’t realize yet psychologically that she’s gone gone and I’ll never, ever see her. I don’t realize that.”
“I just hope that I don’t live very much longer without her, because now she made the first step, she’s through the gate,” he added. “She paved a way for me. I want to take a g– d— pain pill so bad. I feel like if I did something to myself right now and passed away suicidal and I got to heaven and was like, ‘Hi honey,’ and would she go, ‘You d— a–, why would you do that?’ Or would she go, ‘Wow, you’re here.’ I’ll be like ‘Of course I’m here. You left me. I’m here.’ So, am I obligated to do that?”
Beth, who was diagnosed with stage II throat cancer in September 2017, died on June 26 at the age of 51.
Three months after Beth’s passing, Duane learned he was suffering from a pulmonary embolism in the heart — a “life-threatening” condition in which one or more arteries has been blocked by blood — during an episode of The Dr. Oz Show.
Though weary of doctors and hospitals, Dog eventually agreed to seek treatment.
“I hesitated for a minute thinking, I don’t want to have to go through this again,” Dog told PEOPLE. “I don’t want to die right now. I’m not afraid to die anymore, but I really didn’t care for awhile if something would happen. I do care now.”
In the Dog’s Most Wanted finale, viewers saw the the raw moments the Chapman family shared in the days before and the hours after Beth’s death.
In an emotional home footage clip, Duane’s daughters — Lyssa, Bonnie and Cecily — are at a loss for words hours after her death.
“It feels like it’s not real,” says Lyssa, who’s one of Duane’s children with his third wife, Lyssa Brittain.
“We’ve prepared for this for a while,” Duane, 66, tells her. “I don’t care how much you prepare, it’s tough.”
Talking in front of the camera this time, Duane says, “It’s about 6 a.m. in Hawaii, Honolulu. At 5:30 something, Beth usually gets up every day to hit Koko Head mountain here with the family, some of her girls and her dog, and today at that time Beth’s hike was the stairway to heaven.”
RELATED VIDEO: Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman Reveals ‘Dog’s Most Wanted’ Won’t Be the Same Without Beth
The family honored Beth at a gathering with friends and fans at Fort DeRussy Beach in Waikiki, Hawaii, as well as at an emotional memorial service at the Heritage Christian Center in Aurora, Colorado.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).