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By People Staff
Updated October 27, 2008 12:00 AM
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We thought birthday bashes on The Hills got messy, but LC and friends can’t hold a candle to the whopper of a party held on Wisteria Lane this week for Mrs. McCluskey’s 70th. While the couples were fighting about major life issues (unwanted pregnancy, midlife crisis, divorce, commitment phobia, etc), fans finally became privy to the events that occurred during the missing five years.

Bree While putting on her face before the surprise soiree, she requested that Orson not talk about becoming partner in her catering business as she had not yet broke the news to Katherine. “But this is the first party in months when I can answer the question, “What’s new?” without mumbling into my drink,” he whined as she justified her inaction with Katherine’s sure to be furious response. “Yes,” he reasoned. “But the great thing about Katherine is that she will express it so passive-aggressively that we’ll hardly notice. Why is this so difficult?” The question triggered a flashback to Orson’s “going away to jail” brunch. Apparently his departure and Danielle taking Ben back made for a quick slide back to alcoholism and Bree started missing work and oversleeping. Katherine gave her a tough love pep talk. “So you have a void in your life? Welcome to the club. Don’t fill it with wine. Fill it with work, with accomplishments. Think about the woman you could be when Orson comes back or is this the woman you want him to come home to?” She moved in to help Bree through the rough patch as payback because she reasoned “When I had nothing, you made me your partner.”

Orson and Bree continued to bicker about the partnership idea, with Bree holding fast in her position not to tell Katherine. So Orson asked her for a divorce. At the end of the evening, Bree came clean about her alcohol relapse and Katherine’s part in her recovery. Orson went over to thank Katherine and made her a deal: He would become a partner when she felt he earned it even if it took two years. She laughed, “Working for Bree, you aren’t going to last two months.”

Edie Dave came home to find Mrs. McCluskey raiding his mailbox. He went inside to ask Edie if she was still asking questions about him. She responded with the best line of the night, “Don’t take it personal. Prying is what too old to have sex do to keep life interesting. She mentioned McC was turning 70 the following week and Dave suggested throwing a party for the milestone, which gave way to the night’s second best line. “I don’t like having her in my house. It’d be one thing if we had a bathroom with a window you could open.” So he suggested getting someone else to host while they supplied food and drinks.

While Edie escorted McC to Susan’s house for the bash, Dave got busy sneaking into McC’s house in full cat burglar togs to rearrange the furniture and photos. It was just what was needed to push her over the edge. She came storming in with a bat threatening Dave, screaming about how he broke in and stole her cat and killing the cake. An ambulance was called and before it pulled off, Dave sat beside her on the gurney and apologized. She said: “You planned the whole thing. I know you are up to something awful.” His creepy response? “You don’t know what awful is.” The narrator hinted that it wouldn’t be long before he “destroyed the man who ruined his life.”

Gabrielle Looking a little less haggard this week, Gab was putting on gloss when she realized her period was late, which launched her five-year flashback. We learned how Gaby found out she was pregnant both times and how Carlos thought both were miracles after her earlier miscarriage. After the second miracle, she ordered “the fertile freak” to get a vasectomy because she was “done fighting off your bionic sperm.”

Walking over to the party, she discussed her missing period with Carlos who dodged the issue until she brought up the idea of hiring an attorney to sue the doctor who made his snips. That’s when Carlos finally admitted that he never got one and that the guilt had been tearing him up. She threw out another well-written zinger before pushing him over in Susan’s living room. “You know what is going to tear me apart? Another 10-pound baby shooting out my hoo-ha, you selfish son of a b—-!” Fortunately for her, Gaby got her period before the night was over and the decision to have baby No. 3 was put off until further notice.

Lynette She found Penny, now 9, sitting in her dad’s convertible worried that Tom was dying because she heard the twins debating who would get the car when he died. It made her think back to Tom’s near-death experience after he was shocked when working on an electrical panel at the restaurant. When he woke up in the hospital, he confided in Lynette: “You know what I thought when I was laying there on the floor? I thought I am going to die in a pizza place. I need more. There’s gotta be more.” That elusive “more” meant he bought the car of his dreams, one that he had a poster of in his room at 12.

He was late getting home for the party because of his latest cockamamie idea. He handed Lynette a brochure and spilled his plan to take the kids out of school for a year and bop around the country in an RV. “We can do whatever we want. Life is short.” Her logic meter went through the roof. “Who’s going to be running our restaurant while we are off doing the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test?” she asked. He shocked her a second time saying he had agreed to be bought out by a competitor already that day. Then she was livid. “Just to be clear, you want us to sell our thriving business and live in a bus like carnies?”

When he called her a buzzkill who never supports him, she threw water in his face. When they got home from the shindig, Tom accused her of not getting that he needed adventure. She sympathized, “I get it. The sports car, the garage band. I had cancer. I get it. You want your life to count for something. Scavo’s was the adventure. We changed our whole life to live your dream and now you’re bored. We can’t keep throwing all the cards up in the air every time you get restless.” Their relationship was left in limbo, with him not coming to bed.

Susan Jackson arrived late to Susan’s house for the party because he couldn’t find his pants at his apartment. She agreed make space in the closet by parting with some clothes from the ‘80s, but he was actually hinting at cohabitation. This led to a flood of memories leading back to Jackson’s house-painting consultation (at which she thought he was hitting on her when he wasn’t) and the meeting at which she and Mike signed the divorce papers. She made a last ditch effort to talk to him about whether divorce was the right thing. “We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that accident. Before that we were good and we could get back there,” she pleaded. “C’mon, we were Mike and Susan. You only get one of those in a lifetime.” (Watch the clip.) But Mike had already checked out of that marriage mentally so he signed the papers and stormed out.

She went home and started drinking with Jackson and wound up in bed with him. He came clean while sweaty from afternoon delight, declaring, “I’m not looking to start anything. I just got a dog.” Susan was okay with a purely physical thing. “I gave romance a shot and I’m ready for something a little more casual,” she said sadly.

When she returned to the present, the doorbell saved Susan from answering Jackson’s proposition. But he pressed the issue. He said, “I’ve fallen in love with you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” “Yes, it means that someone forgot that we had an agreement to keep things casual,” she responded. As the ambulance carted McC away, Jackson posed, “Does this relationship have a future?” When Susan requested that they maintain the status quo, he said, “And there’s my answer,” before driving off solo. –Carrie Bell

Tell us: Did the five-year flashback episode satisfy your curiosity? Do you think any of the couples will divorce this season? Do you think Susan is still secretly pining for Mike? Who is Dave’s real target and what do you think his revenge plan involves?

Kelsey McNeal/ABC