November 10, 2008 12:00 AM

Desire drove the citizens of Fairview to a variety of acts from the saucy and sexy to the needy and inappropriate to the downright risky and creepy on this week’s episode of Desperate Housewives.

Bree Orson and Bree fired an employee who stole money from the petty cash stash to buy pot. They celebrated Orson finding a replacement whose dad is the head of the FBI and Mormon and Bree getting a four-halo review in a Christian magazine for having sex on the work kitchen counter. Andrew came in the next day to break the bad news that their spontaneous sexcapades (which apparently involved olive oil) had been caught on the surveillance tape, which was stolen by the aforementioned ex-employee. He demanded $2,000 or he’d post the video on YouTube (apparently still going strong five years in the future), which would ruin Bree. Bree authorized Andrew to get the tape back. When he did, Bree realized the camera hadn’t caught her and Orson, it immortalized Katherine and Mike Delfino in the throes of passion. Bree took her the copy and Katherine was embarrassed. “Having sex in the kitchen where food is prepared – what kind of demented slut would do that?” Bree brushed that comment off without elaborating that she was also a member of the test kitchen club, but did question whether she knew what she was doing sleeping with Susan’s ex. “She’s your oldest friend on this street and we’re women. We don’t do that to each other.” Katherine justified her actions. “She divorced him and she’s seeing someone else. I’ve been alone for five years. I’m finally in a relationship and you’re trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t know what it is but I’m having the time of my life.” Bree understood but advised her, “Be careful. This is very complicated. I’d hate to see it end badly.” (Foreshadowing much?)

Edie Mrs. McCluskey and her sister (Lily Tomlin) figured out that once a month Dave calls a psychiatrist in Boston who specializes in the criminally insane. They later called him pretending to be a life insurance company and he told them he did not have a client by that name. When he called their bluff, they admitted that they were creeped out by a guy who just moved to Fairview. He seemed concerned enough to book a flight into town.

Not much else happened on the Dave front other than he got the band a gig at Battle of the Bands and asked Mike to stay late to write the original song they needed for the competition. Mike already had plans. Dave assumed they were with a lady friend and started trying to sniff out who she might be. Apparently, Marc Cherry learned an invaluable pacing lesson from season 1 – don’t blow your big mystery halfway through the season. We’re appreciating the slow roll-out of revenge.

Gabrielle Carlos and family were hanging poolside at the socialite’s house when she invited them to stay for the weekend. Gaby was so excited for lobster and margaritas that she wouldn’t listen to Carlos’s advice that it was “a bad idea to mix business and pleasure.”

Later that night, while the family was in bed watching a movie, Virginia invited herself in to watch and tucked into bed alongside them. The next morning Gaby found the kids drawing all over the walls with Virginia’s permission and were now referring to her as grandma. Gaby started packing, no longer wanting to stay through the weekend or go to Europe with grandma nutjob. Carlos warned her that they had to play it smart as she has a ton of pull at the club and the Euro job paid $100,000. But when Virginia showed up at Celia’s birthday party, Gaby lost it. “I have tried to be nice but I’m running out of polite. Knock off this whole creepy, clingy, grandma thing. It’s like you’re trying to buy us. We’re not for sale.”

Virginia spat back, “You wicked, ungrateful girl. You’re not the first greedy b—- who’s tried to bleed me dry and then wash her hands of me.” And when Virginia doesn’t get what she wants, she has no problem hitting below the belt – literally. She called the club president, informed him that Carlos had touched her inappropriately during a massage and demanded he be fired or she’d go public.

Lynette The episode started five minutes after it left off last week. Tom returned home and Lynette confronted him about the affair. The argued “Who’s on First?” style with Tom thinking she knew about Porter and her thinking Tom was the one sleeping with Kirby’s mom. By the time Porter walked in, she’d put the pieces together and ordered Porter to break it off but he asked his mom to promise she wouldn’t say anything to the husband for fear he’d get violent. Lynette’s ultimatum to Porter: “If you don’t end this, we will throw you out.”

Lynette ran into Ann in the bathroom after a parent meeting. Porter’s Mrs. Robinson was blabbing on innocuously until Lynette snapped, pushed her and told her she knew everything. Ann replied, “I’m sorry, but it’s important for you to understand I love Porter.” That set Lynette off in a flurry of slaps that ended in a decree. “So do I and if you ever lay a hand on him again, you will find out just how much.” (Watch the clip.)

No surprise, Porter did not obey his parents. The sordid couple met at the park and Ann delivered the shocking news that they were expecting a special delivery in nine months. Before he left for school the next day, he got a call from her on his cell to inform him that she could leave town on Saturday if he had money and remind him of her love.

Susan She and Jackson were out to dinner for their second first date when Susan admitted that knowing they weren’t going to have sex took the pressure off. Jackson didn’t know celibacy until at least date four was part of their second-chance plan. Instead they exchanged little known facts about themselves. Jackson’s was that he was a classically trained painter who had been blocked for a year. On the next date, Jackson pulled out all the stops (homemade dinner, alcohol and R&B slow jams) in hopes of pulling out, well, you know. Susan was flabbergasted. “Do you know how sad it makes me to know that you only braised meat to boink me? You’re supposed to be asking me questions to get to know me better.” When he questioned how knowing all these details would make their relationship stronger, she ended the date and didn’t even let him feel her up as planned.

When Jackson answered one of her pop personal questions right on date three, she offered to give it up early being “tipsy, horny and easier than a 5-year-old’s homework.” But now it was his turn to shoot her down. Abstinence had lead to inspiration on the canvas. Undeterred, Susan surprised him at his doorstep in nothing but a trench coat and a teddy. He still turned her down explaining that he wanted to finish a painting. She ran in to see it and discovered a portrait of her giving her secret sad look and she realized that he had actually been listening to her all along. She happily posed naked for him so he could complete his masterpiece. –Carrie Bell

Tell us: Is it acceptable for Katherine to sleep with her friend’s ex? Is Lynette handling the Porter situation correctly? And do you think O’Grady is bluffing about the baby?

Monty Brinton/CBS

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