The actor also opens up about coming out in 2016

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Credit: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty

Though Colton Haynes said that publicly coming out as gay has made him happier than ever, it was a bittersweet end to a longtime struggle that began at home.

“I’m the last person in the world who would say, ‘Oh, my dad – pity me.’ But I was told that my dad killed himself because he found out I was gay. So, of course, I lost it and was like, ‘How could you say something like that?’ ” the 28-year-old actor revealed in his September cover interview with OUT magazine.

“No one will ever really know the truth. But my brother and my mom went to pick up my dad’s stuff, and the only picture on his fridge was my eighth-grade graduation picture. So I was just like, ‘F—,’ ” said the Kansas native, who came out to his family and classmates at age 14.

Though Haynes has known that he was gay since the first grade, he veiled his sexual orientation for fear that it would negatively impact his career.

“I feel really bad that I had to lie for so long, But I was told that was the only way I was going to be successful. When you’re young in this industry, people take advantage of you, and they literally tell you that your dreams are going to come true,” said Haynes of moving to Los Angeles at the age of 17 to pursue acting. “If you believe that, you’ll do anything. And you do believe it, especially if you’re from Kansas.”

The Arrow and Teen Wolf alum, who came out publicly in a May interview with Entertainment Weekly, also addressed Noah Galvin‘s apology after the Real O’Neals actor criticized how Haynes chose to come out.

“When I came out, Noah tweeted, ‘Welcome to the family,’ and ‘So proud of you,’ ” Haynes told OUT. “Then, all of a sudden, I’m the worst, I’m a terrible person, and I’m a shame to the gay community.”

He continued, “I think just having enough nerve and guts to come out in any way is a lot. It was really an emotional thing for me. And for that to be discredited by someone who has never met me was upsetting. He has no idea what I’ve been through. And I can’t sit here and have a conversation about Noah because I don’t know him either.”

Haynes, who hasn’t had a romantic relationship in “I couldn’t tell you how long,” is hopeful about finding love. His ideal man? A combination of Ryan Reynolds, John Cena and Idris Elba.

“Someone who just descended from a mountain and said, ‘I don’t have any friends. Would you like to come live with me?’ I’d love that,” Haynes said. “I want to somehow have a happy ending – or a happy beginning.”