People.com Entertainment TV Chrissy Teigen Speaks About Being a Member of the 'Cancel Club' Following Bullying Controversy “It’s hard to talk about it in that sense because obviously you sound whiney when you’ve clearly done something wrong,” the star wrote By Naledi Ushe Naledi Ushe Digital News Writer, PEOPLE People Editorial Guidelines Published on July 14, 2021 09:27 PM Share Tweet Pin Email Chrissy Teigen called for a support group of people who have been canceled. The cookbook author, 35, wrote a long Instagram post on Wednesday about the difficulty she's faced emotionally since multiple allegations of bullying surfaced in the past few months. "Iiiii don't really know what to say here...just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel like utter s—t in real life," Teigen began alongside a photo of her legs propped up on the couch. "Going outside sucks and doesn't feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race. But I do know that however I'm handling this now isn't the right answer." The model went on to say she feels "lost" and she wants "to find my place again." "I need to snap out of this, I desperately wanna communicate with you guys instead of pretending everything is okay. I'm not used to any other way!!" the once very open celebrity expressed. Chrissy Teigen. Rachel Murray/Getty Chrissy Teigen Threatens Legal Action Against Michael Costello Following 'Fictional' DM Screenshots She continued, "Cancel club is a fascinating thing and I have learned a whollllle lot. Only a few understand it and it's impossible to know til you're in it. And it's hard to talk about it in that sense because obviously you sound whiney when you've clearly done something wrong. It just sucks." "There is no winning. But there never is here anyhow," the mom-of-two added. Teigen expressed her love for fans and said she missed them, writing, " I just needed an honest moment with you because I'm just...tired of being sick with myself all day." Chrissy Teigen. Rich Polk/Getty "I don't even know if it's good to say any of this because it's gonna get brutally picked apart but I dunno. I can't do this silent s—t anymore!" she said. Looking for support, the cookbook author wrote, "If you or someone you know has also been cancelled please let me know if there is a cancel club reunion because I could use some time off my couch! Thank u and goodbye I love u." Chrissy Teigen Steps Away from Safely Brand to 'Be with Her Family' Over the past few months, Teigen was called out for her past social media posts regarding Courtney Stodden, Lindsay Lohan, Farrah Abraham, and accusations from designer Michael Costello who said she bullied him. The model penned a public apology to Stodden, 26, in May after they wrote a profile published by The Daily Beast and claimed Teigen bullied them. "Not a lot of people are lucky enough to be held accountable for all their past bulls--- in front of the entire world. I'm mortified and sad at who I used to be. I was an insecure, attention seeking troll," the Cravings author wrote at the time. "I am ashamed and completely embarrassed at my behavior but that is nothing compared to how I made Courtney feel." While Stodden said, "I accept her apology and forgive her," the model claimed that Teigen has never issued a private apology, despite claims that she did. Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Teigen later wrote an essay penned for Medium in which she apologized following the aftermath of her controversial resurfaced tweets. "Not a day, not a single moment has passed where I haven't felt the crushing weight of regret for the things I've said in the past," she wrote as she questioned her original motives for her past tweets. John Legend, Chrissy Teigen, Michael Costello. Rachel Murray/Getty; Frazer Harrison/Getty; Robin Marchant/Getty Leona Lewis Says She Was 'Deeply Hurt' by Michael Costello After He Accuses Chrissy Teigen of Bullying Further down in the piece, she said that "there is simply no excuse for my past horrible tweets. My targets didn't deserve them. No one does." She continued: "Many of them needed empathy, kindness, understanding and support, not my meanness masquerading as a kind of casual, edgy humor. I was a troll, full stop. And I am so sorry." Teigen then came under fire from Costello, 28, who accused her of bullying him and blacklisting him from the industry. John Legend defended his wife against Costello after the designer claimed he had messages to prove the abuse — which the singer said were "fabricated." Teigen later threatened legal action against the designer for the "fictional" correspondence he posted online. Amid the controversy, the model stepped away from her voice-over role in Never Have I Ever and her home cleaning and self-care line Safely that she launched with Kris Jenner earlier this year.