The characteristically tart comedian is nice, but everyone else is incredibly mean

By Lanford Beard
Updated February 03, 2015 07:15 AM
Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

Monday night’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice ended in a display of gratuitous firing that felt … well … mean.

The first hour divided the teams to shill for King’s Hawaiian buns. It was obvious from basically minute one of the task that Kenya Moore’s “Baby Likes Buns” idea would be polarizing – offensive, really. And so Team Vortex lost, and Kenya was dispatched.

The second task, which saw the brief return of Joan Rivers – in what was probably her final on-air appearance – was oriented around crafting a jingle for Anheuser Busch’s [Fill-in-the-Blank]-a-Rita beverages. Even in the face of an incredibly low musical bar set by Ian Ziering‘s “La Cucaracha” knock-off, Johnny Damon‘s blueser for Team Infinity could not compete against Vortex’s catch “Nice on Ice” hook. And so, ironically, Infinity … came to its end. Seriously, the whole team was fired.

Not unlike her first appearance, Rivers was more maternal than acid. It’s not the side of her most people knew, but it was a very real side of her.

Still, to balance things out and honor Joan, let’s pinpoint some of the night’s sassiest zings:

Vivica A. Fox: “I was in a hit movie called Booty Call, and my assets have grossed over a billion dollars in the box office, but right now your lopsided booty is on trend [Kenya], so let’s let you have this moment.”

Kenya: “If Vivica tries to throw me under the bus again in the boardroom for no reason, I will not only throw her under the bus, I will pick up the bus and drop it on her several times – then I will get in the bus and drive over her and then back up and drive over her again.”

Eric Trump: “They hated the slogan “Baby Loves Buns.” They thought it almost– you know, the fact that a baby might be sexually attracted to your ass, and they just didn’t like it. It really was almost off-putting.” [Ed. note: This is an incredible understatement.]

Kenya: “Vivica has had wild ups and downs emotionally. She’s been very angry at times; she came after Kate [Gosselin], and I had to step in and say, ‘Vivica, calm down.’ I’ve seen her go from these hot flashes to being cold – she’s just kind of been all over the place. And I saw a Tweet from her the other day that said she was going through menopause.”
Vivica: “See, that’s a dirty-ass b—- right there … You are just a toxic trick.”

Vivica: “She stole my phone. Bye trick, bye trick.”
Kenya: “Bye Miss Ghetto.”
Vivica: “Ghetto fabulous, baby.”

Vivica:Geraldo [Rivera] was ready to go Spanish Fly and how you meet Rita at the bar and how you pick up Rita at the bar.”

Leeza Gibbons [to Geraldo]: “I’m shuttin’ it down. Sounds sexual.

Donald Trump: Ian, did you want them to use your jingle? [Ed. note: We heard the world “jingle” approximately 17,000 times in the course of 43 minutes. The end.]