Heidi Gutman/ABC

Also, Kaitlyn had her suitors perform in a rap battle, and their terrible rhymes have been transcribed within – you're welcome

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June 08, 2015 10:00 PM

Breaking up is hard to do – but only if you’re Clint. If you’re JJ or Kaitlyn, it’s actually super easy.

Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette continued its well-worn tradition of picking up in the middle of the previous episode’s rose ceremony cocktail party cliffhanger, making every cocktail party seem like a unending daymare.

After spending the week trash-talking the rest of the contestants and spending more time with his buddy JJ than with Kaitlyn, Clint got the boot and made sure to be aggressively defensive on his way out.

The End of a Beautiful Friendship

Clint (left) and JJ from The Bachelorette
Craig Sjodin/ABC(2)

According to Clint, it’s not that Clint is a bad person – it’s that everyone in the house was simply “jealous. JJ, me and him have become best friends. We’ve grown very close.”

“This isn’t about your relationship with JJ,” Kaitlyn replied, with a pretty incredible deadpan delivery. “This is about you. Nothing to do with JJ. I’m taking steps back with you all the time, and you’re not talking about how much you care about me – you’re talking about JJ and how the guys are jealous.”

Luckily, Clint had his best bud JJ to fall back on when he finally understood that he wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this one.

Just kidding!

After appearing genuinely crestfallen to learn that Clint would be leaving, JJ pulled out the reality show villain trump card – that is, throwing their once-friend under the bus: “I think you should say sorry to everyone right now because you are taking time and emotions. I think that needs to be said,” JJ told Clint, adding: “There’s an emotional energy that gets taken away and as your friend that needs to be said.” (I swear that was all verbatim.)

As Tanner pointed out in an interview, “I think Clint was more sad to have JJ turn on him than to have Kaitlyn send him home.”

Then, the former best bros got into each other’s faces, with Clint telling JJ that he had confided in him things that he hadn’t told other people in a long time, to which JJ replied, tersely, that he had done the same with Clint.

With all of the ill-advised promotion ABC has done to try to convince viewers that these two were engaged in a romance – because masculinity is so fragile that the idea of a gay romance is hilarious? – their lover’s quarrel was more romantic than Clint saying “falling in love with a man never crossed my mind” last week. They were close enough to kiss – it was like a torrid Harlequin romance, as if Clint was a moment away from throwing JJ up against a wall and having his way with him.

Alas, their argument ended simply in Clint leaving the house, but not without a parting shot at JJ’s tie-shirt combo.

In an interview, JJ began to tear up talking about Clint, so he walked away and crouched in the bushes to have a bit of a cry while laughter rang out from inside the house. Then he slapped himself in the face! “Son of a bitch. Suck it up,” he whispered to himself. (See? Pseudo-masculinity is very fragile and also very limiting. It’s okay to cry, JJ.)

Kaitlyn decided against a rose ceremony, so all of the remaining suitors were told to pack their things for a trip to New York City.

A Truly Embarrassing Rap Battle

Kaitlyn Bristowe with Doug E. Fresh and her Bachelorette suitors
Heidi Gutman/ABC

In N.Y.C., Kaitlyn decided that Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ and Shawn would rap battle. Kaitlyn had Chris Soules rap on last season of The Bachelor, too, because she lives to make me feel uncomfortable.

ABC also dragged Doug E. Fresh into this. The rap and hip-hop pioneer helped the suitors with their rhymes in advance of their battles, which is not how I understand rap battles to work if Eminem‘s 8 Mile taught me anything, but I am not an expert.

In an interview, JJ said that he listens to “Broadway show tunes – I listen to zero rap.” That pretty much set the tone for what followed.

Because I’m a giver, here are their rhymes as seen on the episode:

Ben Z. vs. Tanner
Ben Z.: “1, 2, 3, 8 / I’m gonna knock you out like a first date / This, me? Naturally / Even with steroids you won’t look like me.” (What?)
Tanner: “She’s too small for you, bro / She could fit in your pocket / Plus, for a big guy / You have a very tiny rocket.” (Personal experience?)

Jonathan vs. Ryan
Jonathan: “Please take your ass back to Florida / ‘Cause I, I, I / Know she’s bored a’ ya’.” (Okay. Fine.)
Ryan: “Hanging with all these kids on a group date / Kinda feelin’ like a bad episode of Kate Plus 8.” (Shockingly whitebread.)

JJ vs. Corey
Corey: “Let me talk about my boy, here, JJ / After that first date you went cray cray / Over there wearing boat shoes / No way she’s the one she’s gonna choose / JJ, are you enjoying your stint? Where’s your boyfriend, your boyfriend Clint? / Best stay on your toes / I’m here for Kaitlyn / Gonna get the last rose.” (English-language impossibilities courtesy of the performer.)
JJ: “So you think you work on Wall Street / You think you’re a wolf but you’re really a sheep / All the boys spitting on that prose / Go back to your N.Y.C. hoes.” (Unsurprisingly, that line did not fly with the audience composed almost entirely of N.Y.C.-based women.)

Shawn vs. Justin
Shawn: “First things first / Let’s get this out of the way / Your hair, just ask / I’ll help you one day / You say you’re a big-time personal trainer / Kaitlyn / His body, my body / No-brainer.” (Hey, he’s not wrong.)
Justin: “Welcome to the Ryan Gosling-Matt Damon feud / ‘Bout to tear apart this dude / First impression rose? / Come on, man / You got that ’cause you’re a creepy-ass fan / Remind me how The Notebook end? / That’s right / She forgot you, man, I’m in.” (In which the worst thing anyone had to say about Shawn was that he looks like an incredibly handsome movie star.)

In the middle of the segment, Kaitlyn said that it was “the worst rap battle I’ve ever seen. I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants.” Incredible.

After the performances, we find out that Ashley I. from last season of The Bachelor was in attendance, as well as Nick Viall.

The Return of Nick Viall

Chris Harrison, Andi Dorfman and Nick Viall on the After the FInal Rose special in July 2014
Todd Wawrychuk/ABC

As Kaitlyn revealed, she and Nick had developed a friendship over social media but had never actually met in person. Nick was “kinda bugged” by the idea that Kaitlyn could come away from this experience an engaged woman, and decided to more or less invite himself onto the show.

“Last season was not really that fun for me,” said Nick in an interview. It was probably less fun for Andi Dorfman when, during the After the Final Rose special, he revealed that they had had sex and then made her feel ashamed for doing so and not choosing him for the final rose.

Kaitlyn said that she needed to think about it, and broached the subject with the rest of the guys who were – unsurprisingly – not thrilled. Shawn, especially, felt confident in what he had with Kaitlyn and felt that if she were similarly confident she wouldn’t need to bring another guy into the mix.

With that, Kaitlyn went to meet up with Nick once more, give him a kiss, and tell him that she had to sleep on it.

After what felt like 10 hours of deliberation, Kaitlyn obviously chose to bring Nick into the fold but only after getting advice from Ashley S.! Ashley was the resident crazy girl on last season of The Bachelor, if you’ll recall, and she was there not just to offer advice but to style Kaitlyn’s hair for her date with Jared.

(Don’t worry, I double-checked her Bachelor cast bio. She is an actual, Brooklyn-based hairstylist and was not set loose on Kaitlyn’s hair for the sake of moving the plot forward.)

Prince Ali, Fabulous He

From left: Chris, Ben H., Ian, Kaitlyn Bristowe, Joe and Joshua on The Bachelorette
Heidi Gutman/ABC

Ben H., Ian, Joshua, Chris and Joe got to publicly embarrass themselves in a different culturally inappropriate way by auditioning for Aladdin on Broadway, learning a choreographed dance and singing “A Whole New World” at Kaitlyn.

It took me until halfway through this segment for me to realize that Aladdin is a Disney property, and that Disney owns ABC.

The suitors were all pretty terrible at both singing and dancing, but Cupcake Chris was the most enthusiastic and the least terrible, and so he got to join Kaitlyn in a walk-on, featured-extra sort of role for that evening’s showing in front of 1,800 actual people.

Kaitlyn was really cute about it – as a dancer, it had always been a dream of hers to perform on Broadway. “Kaitlyn has wanted this for her life. I get to be there for that,” a sincerely, genuinely excited Chris told cameras. I like him, I’m sorry. He’s adorable.

Later, Kaitlyn and Chris went to the rooftop of One Times Square, where the Times Square Ball rests. They touched it, they touched each other, they smooched. It was downright picturesque.

“That guy has heart,” said Kaitlyn of Chris. “I just think he would be a great husband.”

The episode ended with Nick entering the guys’ hotel suite. “What’s up, guys?”

Also Worth Noting

• Right, so, Kaitlyn and Jared had a one-on-one date. Nothing thrilling to report, but with his hair slicked back and his dumb facial hair shaved off, Jared is really handsome. He’s also pretty funny and sincere, but I get the vibe he’s not long for this competition.

• We also caught up with Britt and Brady, who are officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend. Brady called their relationship “the most beautiful time in my life” and Britt is getting ready to introduce him to her family – something she takes pretty seriously, given her breakdown before the hometown dates on The Bachelor when she realized that she didn’t think she could take Chris home to her family, after all, if he wasn’t going to focus all of his attention on her.

• During Corey’s rap battle, he pulled a knit beanie down low on his head and let his pants sag below his underwear. It was uncomfortable for me.

• That’s it, really – you cannot possibly imagine how long Kaitlyn flip-flopped on whether she should bring Nick into the competition had you not seen it with your own eyes. Until next week!

RELATED VIDEO: Do the Bachelor Dudes Have What It Takes to Score a Rose from Kaitlyn?

The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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