Bachelorette Recap: Kupah Eliminated, Tony the Healer Quits

If you thought that Kupah would be the only problem contestant on The Bachelorette, you would be so very, very wrong.

Though this week’s episode picked up where we last left off – with Kupah melting down over being asked to leave early – we also watched Tony the Healer lose his cool following a bout of sumo wrestling.

Clint and JJ, too, revealed themselves to be real pieces of work as they dubbed themselves this season’s villains while reveling in their blossoming friendship. (Despite ABC promos hinting otherwise, their relationship is just that, by the way – a friendship – but more on that below.)

Resolution of the Kupahcalypse, Plus the Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn went to find Kupah, who was still raging against the machine. He told her that he didn’t want to go home, but she had had quite enough – especially given she had already asked him to leave. “You’re creating this uncomfortable situation,” she told him, adding that nothing was going to change. “I won’t yell anymore. I promise,” he replied, smiling a crazed smile and bidding Kaitlyn goodbye.

“We’re gonna whisper now, we’re gonna whisper,” Kupah told cameras after Kaitlyn walked off, going on to imitate Kaitlyn who said exactly none of these words: ” ‘I hate you, you suck, I think you have chlamydia,’ ” he said, spitting on the ground. “That’s what she’s saying, dude.”

After some more whiskey-induced crazy talk, Kupah was finally driven off. Bye!

It’s unfortunate that Kupah’s very valid comments about the lack of minority representation on The Bachelorette were totally undermined by his insane, childish behavior.

At the rose ceremony, Cory-without-an-E and Daniel the fashion designer got the boot.

Sumo Wrestling and Genital Blurring

This date was wild.

The suitors were all woken up at the crack of dawn – because what’s a season of The Bachelorette without the contestants being jerked awake from restful slumber – and told that Joe, Shawn, Clint, Chris, JJ and Tony would learn how to sumo-wrestle.

JJ was particularly excited: “I love Japanese culture. I love sushi,” he told cameras, seeming like he had something else to add but coming up empty. Willing to bet California rolls are his favorite.

Much like the black censor bar that permanently followed Jillian’s butt around in Chris Soules‘ season of The Bachelor, the blurring of the men’s butts in their sumo diapers seemed wholly gratuitous, especially since photos from ABC’s press site revealed nothing particularly untoward. Trust me – I was eagle-eyed.

The same could not be said of Joe, however, whose left testicle was out for all the world to see, according to Kaitlyn and the rest of the contestants. “I’ve seen everything Joe has to offer,” said Kaitlyn in between bouts of “fat-man” laughter. Whether she liked what Joe had on offer was – unfortunately – not disclosed.

Even with “Brokeback Bachelor” excluded, this episode of The Bachelorette was particularly homoerotic. Of Joe’s business, Jared said, “It’s one of those things where you don’t want to look but you have to look.” Do you, though? Of sumo wrestling in general, Jonathan eloquently described it as “this power of man meat running into each other.” Okay! Cool.

Up against enormous professional sumo wrestlers, each of the guys got their asses handed to them, obviously. Tony, however, thought he had it in the bag: “I would be absolutely f—ing terrified if I were this other guy right now,” he told cameras before he entered the ring. Guess how that turned out? Well, it turned into a weird, pseudo slap-fight on Tony’s part before he got knocked out of the ring, storming away from the date and toward the mansion.

Tony the Healer Loses His Zen and Sumo Date, Part Two

Kaitlyn followed Tony, because she was worried he had hurt himself. He rudely ignored her before feeding her a bunch of BS about his so-called “loving” nature. “I’m here for you, Kaitlyn, I really am, and I want to be here and I want to show you the multiple sides of me,” he said, upset over another date that involved male aggression. He was not necessarily wrong to have found the dates distasteful, but completely losing his temper and blaming it on the dates was not the way to prove that he’s all about peace and love.

“I look at the world through the eyes of a child,” said Tony, the most right he may have ever been in his life. “I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy and I want you to see all those sides of me.” (Psst, Tony: Many Romani consider the word “gypsy” to be a slur. Reconsider.)

Kaitlyn tried to defend herself and the date, saying that she has a “very adventurous, fun side” and that the date just seemed like a bit of a laugh – it wasn’t about violence for her, but “a fun way to laugh at ourselves.”

JJ tried to cut into their conversation, as it was obvious even from a distance that Kaitlyn was uncomfortable with having to defend herself yet again. Blah blah, manly posturing, etc., and Tony stormed off yet again.

Elsewhere on the Bachelorette compound, Ian tried to talk Tony down, telling him to “dial it back” after The Healer said that he works very hard in his “advancement, emotionally and spiritually and physically. I can’t find happiness by reverting back to my primal instincts.” I repeat: He is blaming outside factors on his inner anger instead of dealing with them in an adult way. Allow me to remind you all that they were sumo wrestling. Just pushing each other around, really.

Anyway, there was a second part to the date – sumo wrestling in public – because ? Tony sat it out.

Joe continued to revel in his lack of dress, shaking his sumo-diapered butt at the gathered crowd.

The men sumo-wrestled each other, and Clint destroyed them all by taking the date way too seriously. “We get it, Clint, you were a wrestler in college,” said Shawn. “Take it easy, dude.”

Back at the mansion, Tony was still bemoaning the process, upset with the “‘Who’s got the biggest d— in the house?’ contest,” which, to his credit, is a fair way to describe The Bachelorette. “Why can’t we go to the zoo? And imitate animals? Who makes the best elephant noise?”

In the end, Tony decided to take off, leaving a note behind with his own name written on. Shouldn’t Kaitlyn’s name be on there? Whatever, anyway, Tony’s gone. I hope he found his zen and learned to stop blaming others and that he has since reunited with his dog and his bonsai trees, which he earlier described as “everything I love in the world.” Namaste.

Brokeback Bachelor, Self-Described Villains and an Awkward Cocktail Party

ABC was really hyping up this whole Brokeback Bachelor thing, and I go into it in more detail here. Quickly, though, I will say that the promos were totally overblown and that it was downright offensive for Clint and JJ to act like being gay is some hilarious joke. Is heterosexual masculinity really so fragile that close male friendships have to be laughed off as being “gay”? It’s 2015 – how is gay panic still a thing?

Two women acting in the same way would not have raised any eyebrows, and you can bet they wouldn’t have felt the need to make jokes about their sexuality. Count it. Anyway, moving on.

Clint got a one-on-one date last week, but he wasn’t giving Kaitlyn a whole lot of attention this week. When Kaitlyn gave Ben H. a group-date rose, Clint got childishly upset but tried to rectify the situation by sweet-talking Kaitlyn. It worked, they smooched and then Clint went off the deep end. “I was wearing my power socks, so I felt like I had the power and I just had to abuse it,” he said.

Both he and JJ talked about their diabolical plans to remove the other men from the competition, referring to themselves as villains – “Villains gotta vill,” said Clint – and even appeared to shame Kaitlyn for kissing the other guys. “He’s probably tasting my Jameson-on-the-rocks,” said Clint, as he creepily stared at Kaitlyn kissing Justin, “and he’s wondering why because she’s drinking white wine.” Ew.

JJ called the other guys “lemmings,” adding that, “one by one, they’ll walk right off the cliff. Because I’m chasing them.”

The rest of the guys basically told on Clint and JJ – Clint in particular – and Kaitlyn told the other guys that they “[weren’t] gonna see him again,” so what else did they have to add before she went to go confront him?

“This is not someone I want to marry,” said Kaitlyn, while Clint was overwhelmingly confident that he was making it to the next round. Until next week!

Also Worth Noting

• There was also a group date at an elementary school where the men had to teach children sex ed. Only Ben H., ahem, nailed this date, where the bulk of the men were too flustered to talk about it with any clarity. Kaitlyn, if they can’t talk about it they don’t deserve to do it. Also, interestingly, the show seemed to bleep out the word “clitoris.” Why?! It’s a textbook anatomical term, ABC. Clitoris! Clitoris.

• The only one-on-one date belonged to Ben Z., and the two were forced to enact some terrible nightmare where they had to solve clues in some gross murder room before they were allowed to leave. Highlights included a safe full of dead cockroaches, a trunk full of maggots and a bathroom full of snakes. If I were Kaitlyn I’d have quit the show right then and there.

• Kiss Counter: 6. (Shawn, Justin, Ben H., Ben Z., Clint, Jared.) As ever: Girl, get it. Also, I forgot what normal kissing was like. Remember all the mouth sounds from Chris’ season of The Bachelor? No, thank you.

• In the tease for next episode, it looked like JJ (or, at least, one of the guys who look exactly the same from the back, which is most of them) slapped himself in the face. It reminded me of Mark Wahlberg‘s character in the ’90s classic Fear, who punched himself in the chest over and over to make it seem like his girlfriend’s father gave him the bruises. Fingers crossed that a parallel situation will play out next week.