Bachelorette Recap: Kaitlyn and Nick Have Sex, Ian Leaves

Given the core premise of the The Bachelorette, the amount of suitors who have felt plainly entitled to Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s affections is pretty shocking.

Last week, Ian tore into Kaitlyn for being a “shallow,” “surface-level” person while practically waving his Princeton degree above his head like a flag as a replacement for any real character traits other than “deep.” It was obvious that he just felt stung over the fact that Kaitlyn didn’t feel as strongly for him as the rest of her suitors, and he reacted by puffing out his chest, insulting her under the guise of “honesty” and shaming her for kissing other guys.

Like most people who judge others, Ian was a hypocrite, telling cameras that he “has a lot of sex” and that he’d love his own shot at being the next Bachelor.

Monday’s Bachelorette picked up following that painful conversation and only got more uncomfortable when Kaitlyn got intimate with Nick and spent the rest of the episode beating herself up about it and worrying that Nick would tell the rest of the guys about it. (He has a history of kissing and telling, after all.)

Also, Shawn – who had been a favorite so far – continued to be butthurt over Nick’s general presence and by not being the sole focus of Kaitlyn’s affection. Shawn, come on – your cast bio says you like One Direction. I expected more from you. I was hoping you’d be a Liam girl.

Ian Remains Garbage, Continues to Give Princeton a Bad Name

Because the show repeated itself, I’ll repeat myself: Ian told Kaitlyn that he was hoping to meet the girl who was “crying over heartbreak” from Chris Soules and not the one who told him that she wanted to “plow [his] fields.” Let me make that more clear: He was hoping to get to know a damaged, vulnerable woman. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

Kaitlyn is all about having a laugh – everybody knows this. Ian decided that was brand-new information and criticized her for placing such a high importance on having a partner with a sense of humor. (Or “humour.”) Anyway, Kaitlyn handled this total verbal assault with more class than many would be able to muster. She calmly told him that she was offended and said that she’s “not as deep” as Ian is, but that it didn’t mean she was shallow.

(By the way, we’ve seen no evidence of Ian’s “deep” side. What does that even mean? I’ve not encountered a person who refers to themselves as “deep” since my LiveJournal days. Dark days indeed.)

On his way out, Ian continued to be the actual, living worst in a voiceover: “I just don’t think she’s nearly as complex as I am. I’m too deep a thinker – I’m too self-aware. I’m very different from every single person that’s here. I went to Princeton [and] Deerfield and that’s what I have to offer. I’m an interesting guy that’s had a lot of different experiences. I’m not lame like the other guys.”

In the car, Ian said he was “way glad to be out of there. … I’m being punished for being an intellectual.” Yes, someone please save the Ivy League-educated from their hardships. “I feel like I’m destined to be the Bachelor,” he added. “If I was made Bachelor, I think they would come out of the woodworks [sic], man, I think they’d be like, ‘Oh, s—, I want to go out with that guy, he’s so deep.’ ”

Sure they would.

Shout-out to Bachelorette producers for nailing home Ian’s hypocrisy with his last words: “Oh man, I need to have sex.”

The suitors aren’t forced to agree with Kaitlyn, nor are they forced to love her: A modicum of respect for her and her choices is not a lot to ask. Hell, even if you don’t respect her, there’s no reason to attack her – just walk away. Ian was being “casually cruel in the name of being honest,” as noted poet and philosopher Taylor Swift sang in “All Too Well.”

Rose Ceremony

After all that heaviness, Kaitlyn addressed her conversation with Ian with the rest of the guys, and it was time for the rose ceremony.

Josh and Justin got the boot – if you’ll recall, Josh lost his marbles last week. It’s really too bad that he got cut just after receiving the world’s worst haircut from Kaitlyn.

Speaking of hair, remember when Shawn made fun of Justin’s hair during the rap battle date, and even offered to help him with it? Ever since then, Justin’s hair had been styled exactly like Shawn’s. Poor Justin and his tender heart – extra credit for effort.

Kiss Me, I’m Irish

ABC really dipped into the travel budget this week after some bummer trips to San Antonio and New York City – their next stop was Dublin.

Nick was the first to get a one-on-one date with Kaitlyn, something that royally pissed off the rest of the suitors who straight-up need to worry about themselves. Being so jealous is not a good look. It’s frustrating to be on Nick’s side – do you see what you’ve driven me to, Shawn?!

Nick has been totally unruffled by the awkwardness of having several large men wish fervently for his death and, instead, has focused solely on his relationship with Kaitlyn. It’s a strategy that’s working – he’s been fun-loving and affable where Shawn has been weirdly intense and full of talk about “guards” and “walls” and feels entitled to dates because he opened up to Kaitlyn.

On the one hand, it’s a fairly natural reaction when you’re a contestant on The Bachelor and its various franchises – you’re feeling something for somebody whose attention is divided. It’s the same feeling that had Britt Nilsson melt down on last season of The Bachelor. However, how you deal with those feelings is reflective of your character – Shawn deals with them by focusing pure, unleaded hatred on one Nick Viall. It’s just not productive.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and Nick had a normal, casual date, strolling through the streets of Dublin and only stopping to make out against stone walls, wrought-iron gates and other old-timey things that come to mind when your only interaction with Ireland has been a high school reading of James Joyce’s Dubliners.

The real drama came at nightfall when the two could not keep their hands off each other. Their physical chemistry was palpable, and their date continued in Kaitlyn’s suite.

What started with an extended makeout session on Kaitlyn’s hotel couch followed into her bedroom, behind closed doors and away from Bachelorette cameras … but not away from their mic packs. We continued to hear kissing as well as some feminine-sounding moans, and I have a series of questions:

• Did they forget about their mics?

• How much did producers hear?

• Were they forced to keep their mics on because Bachelorette cameras are only technically supposed to be absent from the Fantasy Suite?

• And the greatest question: Could Kaitlyn and Nick have taken off their mics after all? Could Bachelorette producers have recycled kissing sounds and added moaning sounds for dramatic effect? If so, who was the lucky actress? Does she have a SAG card?

“Seven a.m. with the bedhead / Everyone knows it’s the walk of shame”

While it could have been a trick of editing, the next morning had Nick walking back from Kaitlyn’s suite in the same clothes he wore on their date. In any case, the meaning was clear.

If you like your imagery to be more abstract, ABC also aired footage of two ducks mashing their beaks together as if to kiss as well as a bee pollinating a flower. We get it, show.

With Nick heading back to rejoin the group, Kaitlyn started getting nervous. “I don’t necessarily feel guilty about the act – it’s more just caring about other relationships that I’ve had. I’ve never dated this many guys and had to feel this guilt. And now I do.”

Watching Nick talk to the rest of the guys about his date was genuinely tense – was he going to spill the beans and make it weird for everybody? In his first retelling, he did not. He did say that he went to Kaitlyn’s suite but that they just talked.

Joe, in the slyest move we’ve ever seen from him, told Nick that she did the same thing with Shawn, who was not in the room to hear Nick’s story.

“According to the guys, it sounds like Shawn also got some time with Kaitlyn. Good for Shawn,” said Nick in an interview. “It’s not my business.” (I’m so annoyed about liking Nick. Look at him taking my advice and worrying about himself.)

When Shawn joined the group, Nick told his story once more and was a little more forthcoming the second time around, saying that his time spent with Kaitlyn was “intimate.” Once again, it was a tense moment, but he didn’t spill: “It was really personal. Authentic,” he added. “Really, it felt very comfortable and that was it.”

In interviews, Kaitlyn reiterated her feelings of guilt: “I do really care about every relationship that I have, and I’m concerned what, long-term, is gonna come of this.”

Play Dead

In the most bizarre group date/excuse to drink ample amounts of Guinness we’ve seen yet, Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris recreated an Irish wake starring Kaitlyn as the guest of honor.

As she lay in a casket, the boys had to talk about Kaitlyn and what they love about her because … romance? According to host Chris Harrison, Irish wakes are celebrations of life which, apparently, involve Guinness.

Most of the boys had a lot of fun with this, so here are some choice excerpts:

• Tanner: “I once dated a girl with 25 men / She was beautiful / Her name was Kaitlyn / But all we ever did was date in groups / She made me dress up and jump through hoops / How am I still here? Nobody knows / Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose / But I like you and want time tonight / So put it in your planner / And in case you forgot, my name is Tanner.”

• Jared: “Kaitlyn, now that you’re gone I feel split in half / I’m most certainly going to miss your old fat man laugh / In the darkness you are my light / I meant every word to you that I said the other night.”

• Chris fully sang as if he was back on Broadway, reminding everyone he’s a dentist by singing her teeth would still “shine despite [her] love for rye and wine.” (“Cupcake gets up there and does his whole cupcake thing,” said Tanner. “I think he likes to sing every chance given. He’s a funny little dude.”)

• Ben H.: “I think we can all agree that Kaitlyn Bristowe is an amazing young lady, and I stand here today with five of her ex-boyfriends, and I’m proud to say that I’m the one that got to spend a life with Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, on a nice September afternoon, Kaitlyn decided to take a walk wearing the dress made of bread that I bought her for her 50th anniversary. The pigeons enjoyed the dress just as much as she did and when I found her – as beautiful as she was – she was plucked to death.”

• Shawn: “Kaitlyn, I was absolutely devastated when I heard you took your own life, but I understand. I would’ve done the same thing if I had to spend the entire day with Nick yesterday.” (Kaitlyn took that well, actually, nearly laughing herself to death.)

Ben Z. got heavy with it because his mother died when he was 14 and the wounds were still too fresh, so he shooed everyone from the room to deliver his eulogy, of sorts.

Group Date Cocktail Party

Because Jared is as fun as his facial hair is questionable, he got the group date rose. This sent Shawn over the edge. “She’d rather have Jared than me? That’s bulls—. Absolutely bulls—. It’s going to drive me away and ruin something that could be amazing,” he told somebody whose back was mostly to the camera – it might have been one of the suitors.

Shawn said that he can’t continue in the competition like this and that he doesn’t want to get to the fantasy suites and see Kaitlyn “bang two other dudes. … I can’t do this anymore. I’m about to cry right now.” So, he decided to visit Kaitlyn in her suite – it appears as if the guys continued to chat after Kaitlyn doled out the rose and headed out.

“I just hope he’s not here to talk to me about what happened with Nick,” said Kaitlyn in an interview. “It’s going to kill me if Shawn tells me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because of one stupid f—ing mistake. … I didn’t want to do it if I knew it would cause me problems. I never would have done it. I don’t want to do this anymore,” she said, tearfully. And that’s a wrap until next week! I can only hope that Shawn will change his tune.

Also Worth Noting …

• During the rose ceremony cocktail party, Nick wore several wooden, beaded bracelets with his suit. Just thought I’d point that out.

• Britt and Brady are still dating – maybe. She took him to meet her mother, who called him a “great new friend.” “Is that the vibe you’re getting?” Britt asked. “Yeah, certainly a friend.” In an interview, she said that the choice of words was “jarring”: “To be honest, I don’t want him to be just in the friend zone. I don’t think that’s what she means, though – hopefully.” (Real quickly would just like to remind everyone that “friend zone” is a garbage turn of phrase and should be removed from the vernacular.)

• JJ dresses like a Miami Vice extra. Lots of brightly colored socks, loafers and light suits. Anyone else notice that?

• Next week, either Joe or JJ will go home – they’re going on a two-on-one date. Who would have thought Joe would make it this far? Good for him, he seems like a good egg.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.