Meanwhile, Ian thinks he'd make a great Bachelor: "Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life"

By Amanda Michelle Steiner
Updated June 15, 2015 10:00 PM
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What is actually up with the Bachelorette contestants this season?

With each passing episode, a new suitor completely self-destructs. After Ryan M., Kupah and Tony, Monday’s episode had former front-runner Ian going completely off the rails over a bruised ego. He also slut-shamed Kaitlyn while going on about all the sex he has and how he’s such a great catch. Oh, and he thinks he’d make a great Bachelor. More on that nonsense below.

Also, Joshua had his own Britt Nilsson-style meltdown over Nick’s entry into the competition, but he wasn’t the only one unimpressed with the newest arrival.

Nobody Wants Nick Around

Not to shock you, but Kaitlyn’s suitors are still displeased with having Andi Dorfman reject Nick in their midst.

In a conversation with the rest of the guys, Nick insisted that he was not there to “cause drama” or to “create a scene”: “I actually kind of dig this girl.”

Tanner accused Nick of trying for his “16th minute of fame,” and asked after tabloid rumors that he had been hanging out with Andi. “I ran into her a couple of weeks ago, yeah,” Nick admitted. “She was in town and we met up shortly and buried the hatchet.”

(The hatchet in question was Nick calling Andi out during the After the Final Rose special to shame her for sleeping with him and not choosing him in the end. In case anyone has forgotten, I am happy to remind everyone on a weekly basis.)

Meanwhile, Joshua’s “biggest deal” was that Nick already had a season: “Why do you want another one?” When Nick told him it had to do with Kaitlyn, Joshua then got caught up in semantics. “You called her a cool chick. Is she a cool chick or is she an amazing woman?” he asked a wholly, deservedly confused Nick who muttered something about “phrasing” through a disbelieving smile.

I don’t think I’m alone in being annoyed that Nick had the nerve to come out of that conversation looking more level-headed and sane than the rest of the suitors. Honestly.

“Anybody who comes in halfway through a season when they’ve already had an entire season for themselves, I’m automatically gonna question his intentions,” said Joshua, once again making no sense. He comes off being more annoyed that Nick has gotten more screen time rather than another shot at love. Or whatever. That’s ostensibly what this show is about, anyway.

Rose Ceremony in Citi Field

For the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn decided to pick off her suitors by freezing them to death. In the middle of winter, everyone gathered in New York City’s Citi Field, where I’m told sports happen.

Before the ceremony, however, the guys continued to whine about Nick. “I would just hope that you were smarter,” Shawn told Kaitlyn before correcting himself: “Not ‘smarter.’ I just think this guy’s full of s—.”

It must also be noted that many of the guys – though Shawn appeared to be the brains behind this move – referred to Nick as “the other guy.”

For her part, Kaitlyn wondered whether it was a mistake to have let Nick into the group after her chat with Shawn almost made her cry. “My worst nightmare has come true,” she said, which proves that Kaitlyn lives a pretty charmed life.

In any case, she decided that Nick would stay and so sent Ryan, Jonathan and Corey-with-an-E packing. Next stop: San Antonio!

“Will You Mariachi Me?”

Ben H., who gets more handsome every week, went on a one-on-one date with Kaitlyn. It was sweet but boring and non-dramatic, so, moving on.

The group date had Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua and Nick writing and performing mariachi music, because The Bachelorette needed another potentially culturally insensitive group date. (Sumo wrestling, rap battles and mariachi, oh my!)

Do I need to tell you they were terrible? They were terrible. They went at it with gusto, however, so good for them.

The only downer was Ian, who believed he “set [himself] up to be a performer” (did he?) and then admitted he totally “choked” before letting out a deep, heavy sigh. It’s mariachi music, dude – you’re fine.

Nick decided to get theatrical with his performance, bringing Kaitlyn from the street to a nearby balcony in order to serenade her from up high. His song was pretty fun, so here are some of the lyrics: “Kaitlyn, I love your smile / I hope I stick around for a while / We have such a great connection / It gives me such a huge [redacted] / The guys were pissed I showed up at all / But for your heart I’m willing to brawl.”

While the rest of the guys were initially annoyed with Nick’s grandstanding, all but Joshua conceded that he killed it.

Nick summed it up in an interview: “I think [Joshua] might snap. I have no problem with Josh whatsoever, but he seems to have a huge problem with me.” Understatement.

Joshua Throws Himself Under His Own Bus, Is Thrown Under Several Other Buses

Following the group date, Joshua decided to get honest with Kaitlyn and tell her that everybody hates Nick. “So, everybody’s lying to my face?” Kaitlyn asked. “Is that what you’re telling me?” That was indeed what Joshua was telling her.

However, for all of his insistence upon trust and honesty, he told the group when he returned that he was in an interview when he was actually chatting with Kaitlyn.

All fired up, Kaitlyn returned to the group and demanded honesty. “I’m actually having a real issue here,” she said. “I mean, are you guys being honest with me? Is everybody being honest with me about how they’re feeling about everything that’s happening here?”

Crickets.

“Joshua, in your opinion, is everybody being honest with me?” “I think so,” he replied, throwing himself under the bus. “What?” asked an incredulous Kaitlyn. “You literally just told me everybody’s not being honest. Sorry, I’m gonna put you on the spot, but this is my life.”

The rest of the conversation went as you might expect – the guys all denied having any issue with Nick beyond initial reservations. “Him being here doesn’t affect my relationship with you,” said Ben Z.

Kaitlyn pressed them once again: “I’m not kidding around here. I’m looking for a husband. I need to pursue every single option and whatever I feel. I take each relationship very seriously, and I might make mistakes along the way, and I might make a really great decision along the way, but at the end of this I know I will make the right decision.”

With that, it was Nick who earned the group-date rose, and Joshua was totally crestfallen. “Nobody spoke up,” he said in an interview, adding that he looked like a “desperate, weaselly little liar” and that he wished he could take it all back.

This was totally Joshua’s Britt moment, when she – with good intentions – word-vomited an emotional speech in front of everybody that she desperately wished she could have taken back. It happens to the best of us, Josh.

Ian Is a Garbage Person

During the cocktail party in advance of the next rose ceremony, Ian proved himself to be a dumpster-dwelling trash person. That may sound harsh, but he decided that because Kaitlyn wasn’t interested enough in him that she wasn’t worth his precious time. His bruised ego manifested into several vitriolic diatribes in interviews, to the other guys and even to Kaitlyn herself. His garbage words speak for themselves, so here are some of the lowlights:

• “I don’t know if she even knows I’m here. I think a lot of women like me. I don’t think that’s ever been an issue for me, and then I come here, and I just feel like I’m not being liked by the girl that I’m here to impress. I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.” (Cool ego.)

• “I don’t think that Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am, and who I am is a catch. Good-looking guy, smart I think that’s why I would make a great Bachelor. I think if I was on the other side of the coin, if I had 25 options, that would be something that could definitely work out for me.” (Literally never going to happen, dude.)

• “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting. Like, I don’t think that’s something wrong with me – I think that’s something wrong with her. I’m kind of just tired of rejection around every corner of this situation and I want to go home.” (Translation: “Wah.”)

• “I don’t think Kaitlyn can handle the truth. She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” (I wonder why she’s an ex?)

• “Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like me, and it’s just making me look bad trying. If one of these lames is better than me, just pick one of the lames. Like, I bring so much more to the table than these guys. Good job, charming, brains, looks if that wasn’t impressive enough then I don’t know what else is impressive here.” (Your overwhelmingly poor attitude and misguided sense of entitlement?)

• “I could be the Bachelor. I think I’m a very eligible bachelor in this country and in this world.” (Just ugh.)

• “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” (Hope you kept the receipt!)

• “Kaitlyn just seems like she wants to make out with a bunch of people and have a good time. I’m not here just to have a good time. I have a good time in my own life, and I meet chicks, and I have a lot of sex in my own life.” (Remember when he said he wanted to the next Bachelor? Do you think he plans on not kissing any of the girls in this imaginary scenario he’s cooked up for himself?)

The episode ended with Ian’s conversation with Kaitlyn herself, instead of his running voiceover commentary.

To be fair, he started off strong: “I heard what you said about being honest with you, and you told me to share my feelings with you, and I look around the house, and I look at you, and I feel like everybody is kind of on vacation from life, and for me this isn’t a vacation. I came here to find a wife.”

Ian then veered off into holier-than-thou judgments of the other guys: “It’s really difficult for me hanging around a group of guys that are making fart jokes, making poop jokes, making sex jokes that’s what works for you but that’s what works for you – that’s not what works for me. That deep person is who I am.”

And then he went completely off the rails, as Kaitlyn’s face became more and more indignant at the insults she was forced to endure due to Ian’s fragile ego: “It’s tough for me because I came here expecting to meet the girl that had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules,” he said, which is super gross. Was he hoping to prey on the emotions of a broken-hearted, vulnerable woman? Ew.

Ian continued, “Not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed by Chris. I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. And bringing Nick in, I don’t question his intentions – I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person at this stage, and I wonder if you’re really that shallow because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

Until next week! Ian, you’re a bad person and a hypocrite – just want you to know! To accuse someone else of being shallow is pretty high-handed when your own sensitive ego had you telling Bachelorette cameras that your ex-girlfriend was better-looking and who needs Kaitlyn, anyway?

I know that a lot of people disagree with Kaitlyn kissing so many of the guys, but it’s nothing every Bachelor before her hasn’t also done. The double standard is almost as tedious as having to continually point out how unfair it is. Can a girl live? Honestly.

If you didn’t like it, Ian, you could have just left instead of making an ass out of yourself on television. There’s a lot of clever editing that goes into reality TV that twists words and takes things out of context, but there’s no doubt Ian meant every gross word. Bye.

Also Worth Noting

• Shawn got the other one-on-one date, but like all one-on-one dates, it was largely boring. He’s handsome, she’s cute, they kissed, he shared his near-death experience, etc.

• I never thought Joe would last this long, but he’s actually kind of fun! During the mariachi date, he asked Kaitlyn to “mariachi-me,” which is lame as hell but also sweetly unpretentious. It’s all in good fun Ian.

• The scenes for next episode made it seem as if it will be the week Kaitlyn has sex with one of the suitors and then is made to feel ashamed about it. Blah.

RELATED VIDEO: How Much Sex Goes Down Behind-the-Scenes of The Bachelor?!

The Bachelorette

airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.