Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Exclusively Blogs Men Tell All Special

Rachel Lindsay vied for Nick Viall‘s heart on season 21 of The Bachelor, now she’s on her own journey to find love on the latest season of The Bachelorette — and she’s blogging about it exclusively for PEOPLE! Follow Rachel on Twitter at @TheRachLindsay!

Have you ever had a dream where you walk into a room to find all your exes waiting for you with an audience? But then you wake up alone, relieved to know that it was all just a terrible dream? Well it turns out if you become The Bachelorette, there comes a time when that nightmare becomes your reality! The Bachelorette: Men Tell All aired last night, and I think it is time to spill the tea and talk about it!

Heading into the evening I was TERRIFIED! Not because I didn’t want to see these guys that made this journey so incredible. I mean, I felt so lucky with the men who came on this adventure with me. I really had an amazing group of guys, but breaking up with people you care about is really hard. I hadn’t seen or talked to any of the men since saying goodbye to them, so I had no idea what to expect. Now, I wasn’t thrilled to see everyone … but we’ll get there in a minute.

Naturally there were some things I expected to happen at The Bachelorette: Men Tell All, like the chance to catch up with these guys and have us clear the air on a couple of things. Something you all might not know is that I don’t actually get to watch what happens on stage. The first time I see these guys is when I walk out onto the stage, surrounded by people, bright lights and, of course, Chris Harrison. So watching back I was just as excited to see what I had missed while I was sweatin’ it backstage, stress-eating out of a candy bowl in the green room! But anyway, back to the fellas.

Now, let’s kick things off with a Whaaboom shall we? Clearly, Lucas and Blake still have some unresolved issues that are not settled. Even after watching these two argue on the season and again here, I am still not sure what the issue is between the these two … and I am not convinced they actually do either. All I know is that it involves a banana, a girl and the past. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready to say whaabyee to the whaaboom drama!

One of the biggest surprises of the night for me was hearing DeMario talk about the events leading up to our goodbye. To be totally honest, I expected DeMario to be a little more humble about the basketball date and having a girlfriend. DeMario said he never had a relationship with this girl and proudly referred to her as his “side chick.” I stand by my original thoughts on this matter: If he was just honest from the beginning, I would never have questioned his intentions.

RELATED VIDEO: The Bachelorette‘s Lee Garrett Is Put on Blast About Those Racist Tweets During Men Tell All

One thing I didn’t see coming was the drama surrounding Lee. Obviously, I knew Lee and Kenny didn’t get along, but I truly was shocked watching this season back. I’m okay with being shocked and while I was disappointed I didn’t see the truth then, I was more disappointed when Lee’s tweets came to the surface. I’m thankful that Lee took this opportunity on Men Tell All to apologize and express regret for his hurtful words. I accepted Lee’s apology and hope he continues to expand his outlook on this world and the beautifully different people that inhabit it.

Perhaps the best part of the show was that the audience finally was able to meet the amazing strong beautiful girl behind Kenny … Miss Mackenzie! I was lucky enough to meet this amazing little girl backstage after she took the spotlight with her dad. She shines so bright and I can feel her dad’s warmth and love in her. I am so happy that Kenny has this young woman in his life, and I felt so fortunate to finally meet her!

RELATED VIDEO: Rachel Lindsay Confronts Dean Unglert in Emotional Men Tell All Reunion

Now, time to switch gears a little and talk about Dean. I have to be honest I was pretty nervous about seeing him. I wasn’t sure how our reunion would go because the week I said goodbye to him was the same week I told him I was falling in love. It felt very similar to how Nick and I said goodbye in Finland so I know firsthand how confusing and heartbreaking that position can be.

I expected Dean to question why I sent him home after saying that I was falling in love with him. I know my love for Dean was real, and I will always cherish my time with him. I felt Dean open himself up and grow immensely over the time which we spent together. I never questioned or doubted his feelings for me. But when it came down to finding my partner and husband in this journey, I felt like his personal path wasn’t quite ready for marriage. Dean will make a woman very happy one day, and I truly wish him nothing but the best life and love has to offer.

For an evening that I had such mixed emotions walking into, it really turned out to be such a great reunion. Adam and Matt were just as sweet and charming as they were during our time together, Jonathan (a.k.a. Tickle Monster) picked up right where he left off with making me laugh, and it was really great to catch up with Fred. I thank each and every one of these men for making my journey to find love so positive and exciting even through the rough times.

FROM PEN: Rachel Lindsay on Meeting Her Dream Man on The Bachelorette — ‘I Found My Forever Love’

Now, I have to take a moment to thank everyone for being so supportive of me throughout this journey. I have felt so blessed and grateful to have been chosen for this unbelievable opportunity. When I accepted this role as Bachelorette, I was open and so hopeful to find someone I would one day call my husband. I sit here today, a happily engaged woman, unbelievably grateful I got my wish.

But I would be lying if I said it was easy to get here. Next week my journey to find the one comes to a close. With three amazing men left and a week away from a proposal, I’m left with the hardest goodbyes of my lifetime. I knew I was in for an emotional week, but my final goodbye will be the most gut wrenching of my life — one that would lead to heartbreak and confusion as I’m left to make the biggest decision of my life.

Love always,
Rachel

The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.