"I wasn't taking the weight of that decision lightly," Bristowe writes of naming her final two suitors

By Kaitlyn Bristowe
July 14, 2015 06:50 PM
Craig Sjodin/ABC

Kaitlyn Bristowe is the Bachelorette! She charmed her way into the hearts of the Bachelor Nation – and nearly the Bachelor himself, Chris Soules, on season 19 of The Bachelor. Now Kaitlyn is nearing the end of her televised journey to love.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?!

Talk about an intense conversation between Nick and Shawn! That pretty much went exactly how I thought it would. I understand they don’t like each other. It’s a challenging position to be in for both Shawn and Nick. They are two totally different guys dating the same woman, so it makes sense for them to have tension. As an honest and direct person, I appreciate anytime someone will put an issue out on the table. But I still don’t know if them arguing was going to solve anything.

Meanwhile Ben is just enjoying his time with me and being his positive self. Two things that are on my very long bucket list: visiting Ireland and riding a horse. I killed two birds with one stone on this date! And to cross both those items off the list with a handsome guy, that was icing on the cake!

What you guys didn’t see was that Chip (my horse) was a little stinker. He kept going to eat grass and throwing my body forward while he ate. He could tell my little biceps couldn’t control his powerful body, and he took advantage of that. I would try and pull him back, but he just took me down. This happened approximately 14 times, it was quite hilarious. And I thought Ben’s horse was the feisty one! What I will say, Ben was the perfect guy for this date. That time with our horses had its romantic moments, but it was filled with laughter, too. And that is a winning combination in my book.

Having a picnic in front of a beautiful 19th-century castle didn’t feel real. It looked like a movie set or a picture out of a fairytale. And do you know what’s crazy? A person actually lives in that castle! Must be nice. That was one of the most memorable picnics I think I’ll ever have. Not just because of the scenery but the company.

I loved spending time with Ben, and I liked that he felt comfortable with me. I always felt comfortable with him; he was very easy to be around. When Ben came to meet me at the front of the castle, I had just worked my glutes by walking up a thousand stairs to the top of the castle, all just to be cheesy and romantic when I welcomed him – it was very fairy tale-ish of me. Except when I met him in the front entrance I was sweating and out of breath, but it was WORTH IT.

In our conversation together, I couldn’t help but think how easily it flowed between us. And I loved how worried he was about telling me his age. Cute. Age was never anything but a number with Ben. I think everyone can agree with me that he is a mature 26. You can tell he has lived life, had experiences and is ready for looooove. He is also a smooth talker; he doesn’t even realize how much game he has. All of the things Ben says, he means. It always comes from the heart with him and he is one of the most genuine people I have met.

My favorite part about our Fantasy Suite, aside from staying in that gorgeous castle, was that we had time to hang out just the two of us with no one else around. We just got to be weird together. We had a dance party, we ate a lot of cheese and we tried to explore the dark castle, but it was too scary. Haha. We actually had a fun sleepover. I was really hoping he was going to be a dud so that my decisions could get easier haha. But dud he was not.

Although my Fantasy Suite with Ben was great, going to see Shawn was something I was looking forward to. We were having a tough time, but I had been honest and so had he. We had gotten through a struggle, and I knew that we were going to be able to get back to us, whack some balls, share some laughs and probably kiss a lot. Just be Kaitlyn and Shawn. And that’s exactly what happened.

That was one of my favorite days. I definitely felt like myself with Shawn, and I really loved the idea of golfing with him for the next 40 years. I have a pretty sweeeeet swing if I do say so myself. Shawn is unreal in so many other ways so I loved that I could keep up with his talents. Rory McIlroy was the first person to drive the green on this par 4, and Shawn was the first to sink a putt buck naked. It was impressive, and so was the putt. HA.

Wanna know why he was wearing those long john undies? Because he didn’t want underwear lines under his tight pants. (Laundry day, my toosh). I had to run away with his clothes – when would I get this opportunity again?! I wanted to throw them in the lake, at the least the long underwear. But all the goofiness aside, Shawn actually gave me a really beautiful four-leaf clover Alex and Ani bracelet that day, too. Very sweet.

After a great day I was ready for a great dinner, and I DID NOT want to bring up Nick. But I did want to get to the bottom of it and kind of put it to bed. Enough was enough, and I wanted to know they both could man up and sort out whatever hate was going on between the two of them. I didn’t want to be the middle man anymore, listening to them complain to me about each other.

I’m glad Shawn told me he visited Nick to address the situation. (Even though I still believe nothing was solved). I think Shawn and I both felt like more time was what we needed, so accepting Chris Harrison‘s offer for the Fantasy Suite was a no-brainer. The two of us wanted to spend more time talking, and I’m happy we took the time to do that. It helped us a lot, and it was not only necessary but very well-deserved.

After a great night, we are back into it. Watching it back, I’m starting to wonder if this is The Bachelorette where someone finds love or if it’s The Nick and Shawn Show where they find only hatred. I think we just need to end it by accepting that they STRONGLY dislike each other and that will never change.

Going into that rose ceremony was one of the most challenging moments on this journey so far. Saying goodbye to Ben was a really heartbreaking decision. I can’t stress enough how hard it was. I think you can tell by how nervous I was standing there that I wasn’t taking the weight of that decision lightly.

I was grateful for Chris Harrison’s words of encouragement in that moment. I knew what I had to do and that I had to follow my heart, but the thought of sending Ben home broke my heart. Ben was always nothing but sweet, genuine and open with me. I will forever be grateful I got to meet him and that he was a part of this journey with me. It’s not that what I had with Ben wasn’t real or didn’t mean anything to me, but I had to make a choice of how I was going to move forward. It crushed me to say goodbye but all I could do was trust my heart in that moment.

I was VERY anxious going into meeting the two families. Especially knowing Nick’s family had already gone through this experience, I really felt the pressure. When you decide to come on to The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, you make a conscious decision to share your journey. But what people sometimes forget is our families don’t necessarily make that same choice. They aren’t the ones who sign up for this experience. So I wanted to be very sensitive to that when meeting both families, especially Nick’s. They had been through this before, and it is a lot to take in. There are a lot of emotions happening for everyone, so I took meeting their families very seriously. Your heart is invested here which means so is your family’s. So I was extremely nervous.

I knew with Nick’s family having gone through this before, they would have their reservations. And I knew they would want answers. They definitely saw how comfortable he was with me and that I brought out Nick’s goofy side. We were doing the Carleton dance in the living room for Pete’s sake! I think it helped them relax and enjoy the moment seeing us doing so.

Nick has a very sweet family, but I was SO intimidated by his sister, Maria. I knew that’s the sibling he was closest to, and he told me Maria would be the hardest. She just cares so much for her brother that it’s very understandable. His three brothers were great! I saw a little bit of Nick in each of them. One was deep, one was sensitive and one was funny. Like I said, the three of them formed one super Nick. It was interesting to see their family dynamic. Eleven kids in one family calls for a lot of personalities, and it was interesting to see which kid Nick was out of all of them. Seeing him with his family was great because when you’re around family you are WHO YOU ARE. Was he going to be the funny one or the serious one? I have seen both of those sides, and I was interested to see him in his element.

Let me say, Bella is one of the sweetest little nuggets in all of the land. You can tell she has a kind spirit and great examples of love in her life. She was such a treat to talk to. And Nick’s Mom is such a sincere, compassionate woman who deeply cares about her children’s hearts. It was hard to see her cry and worry because I couldn’t promise her anything. It has got to be hard and extremely emotional. I know moms just want to see their kids happy – that’s what all parents hope for. Over all, Nick’s family was fun, loving, very open and welcoming. It was nice to see where he came from. And after all the tough times he’s gone through where people didn’t care for him, he is surrounded by love.

I couldn’t wait to meet Shawn’s family. He had talked a lot about them. I loved that, and I could tell family means a lot to him. Hearing him talk about how close he is to his two sisters meant a lot to me. There is something about a guy who has a great relationship with his sisters. I trusted Shawn a lot, and I trusted his heart. I think a lot of that is because of those special relationships he shares with his sisters. He has learned to be sensitive because of them. I knew they had to be amazing, loving women. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

Of course I was also nervous because I wanted them to think that about me. I wanted to impress his sisters and be up to their standards for their little brother! I also knew Shawn valued his father’s opinion more than anything. I was sad Shawn’s mom couldn’t make it, and so was he. But I knew it would still be a very special day. Having his aunt Caroline there was wonderful! She was so sweet and supportive.

Talking with Jessie was the most comfortable I’ve felt when first meeting someone I wanted to impress. She is such a beautiful soul. You can tell she is a mother figure and just a positive, calm person. She is a mother, wife and teacher, and, I’m telling you, that is what she was put on this earth to do. I could tell she would be the one Shawn could turn to for advice. I immediately wanted to take her number just to still have her in my life no matter what!

Meghann was also so relaxed and easy to talk to. She actually kind of reminds me of my sister: easygoing, sweet, down to earth and also fun. She seems like she would be the best-friend kind of sister. You could tell she’s protective of Shawn – they live together, and I am sure she knows what he is looking for. I didn’t want my conversation to end with her, not only because I wanted all the dirt on what Shawn is like to live with but also because she already felt like a best friend.

I know Shawn’s dad was skeptical of this process and curious how this could all work out and last. Fair. Shawn’s dad is a very practical man, which I liked. That is not a bad quality to have. But that quality made it challenging for him to understand where Shawn’s head and heart was. But you know what, he understood regardless. I think he could see in Shawn’s eyes it was real. He could see the way we were together. Shawn’s feelings were very real and, from the relationship these two shared, his dad knew. That was a really nice moment to watch. Shawn has a very warm, welcoming, loving family. And that gave me a lot of reassurance with how I felt towards him. I would be lucky to be a part of that family.

After that, I could tell Shawn was nervous, and he scared me with what he was going to say. He was shaking and started to mumble about being honest. He shared how when he told me he was falling in love with me that wasn’t true. I WAS ABOUT TO THROW UP. But when he said he wasn’t falling in love with me in Texas, he WAS in love with me, that sick feeling immediately turned into wanting to melt into his arms. I had been waiting for him to say those words. I think being with his family and being surrounded by so much love in one room, he knew how he felt and felt confident in telling me.

It was a very overwhelming couple of days, in a good way, but in a terrifying way as well. I was scared to hurt someone, and I was scared to let down a family. I was scared for how I was feeling. And now I’m scared writing this knowing my next blog will be about the Men Tell All. How come no one warned me how hard being the Bachelorette was???

Well … until next time.

XOXO,
Kaitlyn

The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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