'The Bachelorette' 's JoJo Fletcher on Her Rose Ceremony Walkout: It Was a 'Moment of Overwhelming Anxiety'

The Bachelorette reveals what happened before the surprising Rose Ceremony decision

Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC/Getty

brightcove.createExperiences(); After JoJo Fletcher won viewers’ hearts as a fan favorite on Ben Higgins‘ season of The Bachelor, she’s now on her own journey to love on The Bachelorette. She is blogging exclusively about each and every rose ceremony for PEOPLE – check back each week and follow her on Twitter at @Joellefletcher!

Staying in true South American fashion … Hola mi amigos! On that note, let me just begin by saying how truly BEAUTIFUL Buenos Aires was. Hands down my favorite location in South America. And it didn’t hurt to have eight incredible men with me.

My first one-on-one date was with Wells and I was really looking forward to spending more time with him. Leading up to this date, the big elephant in the room was the fact that Wells and I hadn’t actually kissed yet. A part of me appreciated his approach to really getting to know me rather than leading with a physical connection, but on the other hand, I felt as though we were running out of time to fully develop our relationship. Either way, Wells intrigued me and I really wanted to explore that more.

Walking into the guys’ hotel to pick up Wells, I could sense something was a little off. Wasn’t too sure what it was, but Luke dropped the big bomb as we were leaving when he said “Are you guys going to kiss today?!” Talk about A-W-K-W-A-R-D. We couldn’t get out of that room fast enough!

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I thought it would be a fun date to take Wells to the well-known show Fuerza Bruta – and as you all saw, it was quite the production. But the entire time, all I could think about was the kiss. To rework a little Shakespeare, “to kiss or not to kiss, that is the question.” Rolling around, half-clothed, in a dimly lit suspended pool surely this was the moment. Drumroll … IT HAPPENED!!! The long awaited kiss that we both had been waiting for. (P.S. Im pretty sure I made the first move!). It was nice and sweet and it finally gave me an idea of what Wells and I could be like in a more romantic relationship.

As much as that kiss helped moved things forward with Wells, I was still a little unsure of where our relationship stood. I knew that evening could and would be very telling. During dinner, we had a chance to talk about his past relationship. Hearing Wells tell me that his last relationship ended because they were more best friends rather than lovers, really struck me. This was the moment I knew that Wells and my relationship would never go beyond being just friends and that I had to tell him that. Saying goodbye to Wells was heartbreaking. It even made me sad just watching it back and seeing his optimism for what our relationship could have been. I really hope he finds that fairytale love that he deserves!

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After a hard goodbye, I was looking forward to my group date. And what better way to experience Buenos Aires than with a group of great guys in the La Boca District? We shopped, we danced, and we somehow ended up in a pick-up game of soccer. Now this is where it gets fun! Playing this pick-up game was a blast, but I was exhausted! One thing I did learn during this date was that Robby may not be the best soccer player, but he sure is a smart businessman. Or maybe not! Sorry that goalie stole your money, Robby!

After getting our workout in for the day, it was time to enjoy a little cocktail hour with these great men. Let me just preface these next few sentences with: I’m sorry Dad. The PASSION between Luke and I … I mean, I’m sure you all could feel that through your TV. It was HOTT. Period. Ok lets all try to settle back down and move on. James. I adore James! Watching this all back made me so emotional because I never knew James struggled with his confidence being around the other guys. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. During my one-on-one time with James, he brought up some issues with Jordan. Looking back, I wonder if that was guided solely by fact or was this possibly his insecurities acting out? Either way, I needed to address the situation with Jordan.

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This wasn’t the first tough conversation I’d had with Jordan. My feelings for Jordan were really starting to grow, however I had my reservations. After talking through the scenario (which by the way was about a silly poker game … men!), Jordan reassured me of his intentions yet again, and how the scenario played out. I felt a little bad spending so much of my time with Jordan talking about these things, but I also knew what I needed to do in order to understand the entirety of the situation and make the right decisions moving forward.

Overall, that night was great. Sure, there were some tough convos, but I started to realize that this was becoming very real for all of us. One thing that I have learned throughout my experience on this journey is that you have to trust your gut and live in the moment. That night, my time with Luke exceeded anything I could have imagined. I wanted to make sure he knew that by giving him the rose.

And now for the most DRAMATIC moment of the episode: the dreaded SECOND two-on-one. Now, I know you all are probably very confused why I asked Chris Harrison to let me do this, and especially with Chase and Derek, two guys I clearly had strong connections with. But that was the problem. My relationship with each had stalled a little, and I knew if I was ever going to come out of this happily in love, I needed to start forcing myself to make tough decisions about which relationships I wanted to move forward. Derek had been more open and upfront with his feelings, but I had started to feel like our relationship was falling behind. With Chase on the other hand, we had a very strong connection yet he struggled with letting his guard down and it made me question his feelings towards me. I needed that two-on-one date to figure out who I saw a who I really could see a future with, and at the end of the day, I knew in my gut that I could see it with Chase but not with Derek.

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I knew giving that rose to Chase was the right choice, but it killed me to have to do it front of Derek. That was not easy because Derek truly is such a good guy. Going back to see Chase was the only thing that made me feel better. Getting to be in his arms while listening to Soledad Pastorutti sing was a bittersweet moment.

After a week full of eventful dates, it was now time for the Rose Ceremony. What you guys didn’t get to see in the episode is that just seconds before entering the foyer to meet the guys, I had this moment of overwhelming nerves and anxiety. Something just came over me and I had to stop for almost half an hour just to gather my thoughts. Sorry for making you wait, guys! But this only foreshadowed my emotions to come. You could tell I wasn’t the only one feeling anxious. In every conversation I had that night, the men were making it clear more than ever of how they felt about me and I could sense at this point, it was do or die for them.

Even though my conversations were so honest and open with all of the men, at the end of the cocktail party I still was so confused. I was banking on my gut kicking in to make a last minute decision, but standing there with one rose left and James and Alex before me, I just panicked. When it comes to finding a soul mate, you can’t make an impulsive decision. I knew I needed more time. Thankfully Chris Harrison came in to save the day yet again. (I know Chris, I should start paying you for therapy sessions at this point.)

Anyways, being able to keep all of my guys was such a relief! However, I knew on some level that this only meant that next week would be harder. There are goodbyes to come that are so heartbreaking and tearful and emotional that it pains me just to think about them now. But you should see them. Stay tuned.


The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

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