The Bachelorette also shares how not kissing brought her closer to one of her suitors

By JoJo Fletcher
Updated July 26, 2016 10:00 AM
Advertisement
Ari Michelson

After JoJo Fletcher won viewers’ hearts as a fan favorite on Ben Higgins‘ season of

The Bachelor, she’s now on her own journey to love onThe Bachelorette. She is blogging exclusively about each and every rose ceremony for PEOPLE – check back each week and follow her on Twitter at @Joellefletcher!

ROSE CEREMONY

Sorry to leave you guys hanging during such an emotional night. Saying goodbye to Luke was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Navigating these relationships isn’t easy. This journey is amazing, but it has its heartbreak along the way. I am here looking for a husband and partner in life.

My struggle with not knowing where Luke stood held me back from falling for him. Watching him drive off, I was terrified I had maybe made a mistake. Looking back on this moment, it is hard to watch. But I still think I made the right choice for me. I know a lot of you guys probably find it hard to understand my decision, but love is confusing and I had to follow my heart.

THAILAND

After such an emotional rose ceremony, I couldn’t have been more ready for a change of scenery. I’d never been to Thailand before and neither had any of my guys! I was SO excited to experience this amazing country together for the first time. I was falling in love, and it was crazy to think that leaving this country I could be engaged.

With that said, this week brings back a lot of memories for me. This time last season is when Ben told me he was in love with me and then broke my heart. So heading into this week I was ready to keep myself open to love – but also cautious to not make the same mistake that I thought Ben had made with me.

ROBBY DATE

It had been a few days of travel to get to Thailand so it felt like forever since I’d seen my guys. Seeing Robby pull up on that little tuk tuk made my day! Talk about an entrance, am I right?! This market was one of the coolest places I’ve ever been to. You didn’t see much of it, but Robby and I got pretty adventurous! We tried all sorts of insects, and fish and let me tell you, it wasn’t that bad! When you travel to places like this, it’s always best to just experience everything!

I remember this day so well, it was hot as heck and when the storm came it was like the heavens opened up for us. It also knocked out the entire towns power! Robby and I had been shopping in the market shops when the power went out, and that’s actually why we went and got the foot massage! But after all that walking I think we definitely made the right choice on that one ?

My date with Robby during hometowns was amazing. There was the concern about his ex, but I felt as if we had moved past it. Talking with him on this date in Thailand I knew we were on the same page and it was an amazing feeling. I remember growing so much more confident in what we had. I decided there was nothing more holding me back from wanting more time with Robby. And going into the Fantasy Suite I was excited to spend alone time with this man I was in love with. It really was the perfect date.

RELATED VIDEO: The Bachelorette‘s JoJo Fletcher on the Ups and Downs of Searching for True Love

JORDAN DATE

I was so excited to see Jordan for our date in Thailand. It had been almost a week since I’d seen him and I missed him so much! This was a man I was falling in love with.

Going into this date, I knew that we stood in a place that was special to us. I know my feelings for him were strong, but there was still these fears in the back of my head. But I decided to put them aside until dinner that night and have fun on this hike!

I chose Jordan for this date because I knew he’d be able to handle this activity, and also selfishly, if I started to collapse from heat (y’all probably know by now that heat and I do not mix) he could probably carry me up this mountain. After a very long and sweaty hike we finally made it to the cave! This cave was unreal it really is the perfect place for this temple. I have never felt like I’ve been in a more spiritual place in my life. Sharing this moment with Jordan was really special. Also, respecting the culture and not kissing during this moment brought us closer.

Talking to Jordan about meeting my family made me excited about the future. Hearing how important my father’s blessing was to Jordan was everything I wanted to hear. But for some reason I couldn’t shake the memory of Ben. Hearing everything I wanted to hear, you know it made me wonder, Is it too good to be true? I know it is unfair for me to compare the two, but in this journey, I can’t help but explore all my concerns. But going into this night I knew I loved him, and he loved me. I have to put my fears aside and continue to treat each relationship as their own – and not let my past interrupt my future.

Waking up that morning, more then ever I understood the feelings that Ben had last season. I was in love with two amazing men – and as scary as that was, it just made me feel so optimistic that I was on the right track to finding my husband.

It is so hard to hear someone tell you how much they love you and to hold yourself back from saying it. But I promised myself that after what Ben had put me through I wouldn’t to that to these guys. And so as hard as it was, I stuck with my promise.

RELATED VIDEO: The Five Stages of Grief from This Week’s Bachelorette

CHASE DATE

The week so far has already been a whirlwind, but I still have one more date with my Chaser!

The last time Chase and I had time together was during his hometown in Colorado. Before we parted ways he told me he was falling in love with me. Chase is someone I’ve had a strong connection with since the beginning. I know for him, opening up carries a lot more weight. But this man is one in a million, and I was so excited to see where this day was going to take us. Picturing myself being in love with three men is crazy, but with how things are going – I can’t rule it out.

The second I saw Chase my heart lit up! It had been about a week since I had spent time with him, and I really missed how playful and affectionate he is with me. This date with Chase was incredible, and I was so excited to see where it would go.

The moment Robby came to my door was such a surprise. It’s not really shown in the show that often, but there is time between dates where we go our separate ways, shower, interview, eat and then meet back up for our second half of our date. I was just hanging out, getting ready for an interview when the knock came. I was shocked to see Robby since this was my day to be with Chase, but it was a nice surprise! And honestly, it’s gestures like this that make me feel so loved and cherished by Robby. And it confirms my love that I have for him too.

Heading into the dinner portion of my date with Chase, I was excited to spend more time with him. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a lot was weighing on my mind. I was already in love with two men who loved me back. I kept thinking, Will Chase get there with me? Will I be able to get there with Chase?

Giving Chase that Fantasy Suite card was me needing more time with Chase, more time to explore where our relationship could go. When Chase told me he was in love with me, I felt an immediate wave of confusion. I was overloaded with emotions of happiness, regret, fear and sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, it felt wonderful to hear Chase tell me those words. Words I know are hard for him to say. But it was a terrible feeling to still feel confused after hearing something I’ve been longing to hear for some time. I knew in that moment that something didn’t feel right. I realized that all I needed was time. I still needed more time. But I decided that one night wouldn’t be enough.

Breaking up with Chase was excruciating. I didn’t want to say goodbye. But I felt like it would have been unfair to spend the evening with him when I didn’t think that things could change for me overnight. Watching this back, seeing how much pain I caused Chase, it fills me so much sorrow. It still remains one of the hardest moments of my life.

RELATED VIDEO: Team Jordan vs. Team Robby – Who Will Get the Final Rose on This Season of The Bachelorette?

ROSE CEREMONY

Heading into this rose ceremony, I was still pretty emotional from sending Chase home. But I was so confident to move forward with Robby and Jordan, two men that I found love with. Having this be the last rose ceremony of the season seemed so surreal. And knowing I was heading into it with two roses and two men gave me comfort in the fact that I wouldn’t have to have a sad goodbye. So when Chase surprised me, and showed up at the rose ceremony I was shocked.

Watching it back, I feel bad for how confused Robby and Jordan must have been. After Chase spoke with me, I felt so much more at ease because I hated how terribly we left things, but it was still sad. This journey isn’t easy, love is crazy and in this experience there are no rules. But I remained confident in the two amazing men that stood before me for that last rose ceremony. Giving Robby and Jordan those roses, I felt so positive about the future.

Next week my family will meet the two men I can see a future with. I could also be accepting a proposal and saying goodbye to a man I love. It’s a big week, and I’m not going to lie to you guys it was a really heart-wrenching time for me. I knew being in love with two men wouldn’t be easy, but I had no idea just how devastating it could get. I fully understand the pressure that Ben had been going through. And I just hope like him, I make the right decision for me. Thank you again for supporting me through this journey, I cannot believe it’s almost over!

xoxo,
JoJo

P.S. Can you believe it’s already time for Men Tell All?! I must say I’ve missed these guys, one not so much. But trust me, you’ll want to tune in!

The Bachelorette: Men Tell All airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET, and The Bachelorette‘s finale airs Monday at 8 p.m. ET, both on ABC.