"I don't need anybody to defend me for what I did because what I said, what I did was wrong," Hannah Brown said

By Karen Mizoguchi
May 30, 2020 08:10 PM
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Hannah Brown is trying to hold herself accountable, weeks after using a racial slur while rapping along to DaBaby's "Rockstar."

In an Instagram Live video, captioned "from my heart, I'm sorry," which was posted on Saturday, Brown spoke about the N-word scandal. "I attempted to talk, sing a popular TikTok dance and recited the N-word, and it was a part of the song. Initially I didn't even know it was happening and I know it is wrong to say the N-word in a song, and I couldn't imagine I had used it so I immediately denied it," she said.

"I tried to defend myself but between being intoxicated, which I'm also not proud of, and just being embarrassed and confused, I just made it a whole lot worse," the former Bachelorette, 25, continued. "It wasn't until the next morning that reality set in and I had said it. At that moment, there was a rush of emotions. ... I felt so much shame on me."

After saying the slur, Brown issued an apology and faced backlash from critics online. On Saturday, the reality star said, "If I wanted to be my sincerest self, I had to put in some work and I had to go through a process. I think that's why people are like, 'Why now? Why did it take me so long?' "

Brown added, "What I did, I didn't want it to go away. What I did was something extremely serious and I did not want to continue repeating this long history of white people not taking accountability and responsibility for their actions when people of color, black people, call them out on their behavior. That is something I do not want to be a part of. To do that, I had to understand."

Speaking about the self-reflection she has done since her apology video, Brown said she has been "completely focused on educating" herself, even hiring an "educator" to "help me understand the things that I've never even have been taught, learned or been a part of my education like ever before."

Later, Brown said she hopes to move forward by taking accountability for her actions.

"To be honest I didn't know a lot, I don't want to be ignorant anymore. I don't want to be an ignorant white girl who uses the N-word, but I also don't want to be someone who goes onto a platform intoxicated and engages in their platform that way," she said.

The Dancing with the Stars champion concluded her video with a message to her fans and followers.

"If you want to support me, do not defend me. What I did, what I said was indefensible," she said. "I don't need anybody to defend me for what I did because what I said, what I did was wrong. But I'm hoping that what I did was wrong but what I didn't know even before is the worst part of it, and it's the ignorance. I'm no longer ignorant and I'm no longer going to be part of the problem."

Brown vowed, "I will be a part of the solution, and you will see that. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt and disappointed. I promise to continue doing better, I promise."