As for the day of the final rose ceremony, the Bachelorette writes, "I have to be honest: I think I blacked out"
After JoJo Fletcher won viewers’ hearts as a fan favorite on Ben Higgins‘ season of The Bachelor, she went on her own journey to love on The Bachelorette. She blogged exclusively about each and every rose ceremony for PEOPLE – including the final rose. Follow her on Twitter at @Joellefletcher!
Y’all, we made it! I cannot believe this is the last time I’m writing you! This journey has been unbelievable. However, this was by far the most heart-wrenching week.
I was walking into this final chapter with two amazing men that I was in love with. I feel like already up to this point of my journey I had gained so much perspective on what I’m really looking for in a husband, and these two men had it all. Very different two men, but it was such a hard decision that lay ahead.
Having Jordan and Robby meet my family was so important to me. My family means the absolute world to me, and I really value their opinions. I was still so torn between them, it was hard to pull myself out of it and find clarity. So to have my family meet them, it meant I could soon be one step closer to knowing which man I’d spend the rest of my life with.
Ben was the last man I introduced to my family. So to introduce them to two men that I know love me unconditionally, it was such a different feeling then last time. I knew they’d be able to see just how much I loved them too, and that was also scary because how was I going to possibly choose.
JORDAN AND FAMILY
Watching Jordan talk with my mom, it was really sweet hearing him make that promise that he would never break my heart. It was also really hard to hear my mom have so many reservations about him. My mom only wants the best for me, and she’s seen me broken-hearted too many times. If I were to put myself in her shoes I can understand where she is coming from, but hearing this was terrifying me, because I was so in love with this man, that I just wanted her to be too.
Something you didn’t see on this day was a conversation I had with my sister, Rachel. I know everyone at home remembers my brothers as the stand out family members from last season, but it was actually Rachel who said something to me on this day that stood out. Rachel had pointed out that Jordan was so similar to me, and also reminded her of guys I’ve dated before. However, she didn’t see this as a possible negative like my mom did.
When Rachel and I spoke, she said don’t be afraid of the fact that he reminds you of guys you’ve dated in the past, be secure in the kind of man he is to you now. She knows the pain of heartbreak I’ve dealt with, but she said, ‘You cant put the mistakes of men that have come before Jordan onto him.’ She reminded me just how much I really loved this man no matter what history I have. And he has given me no reason not to trust him.
The time Jordan spent with my dad was kind of hard to watch. Hearing Jordan question where I stood because there was still another man in the picture was hard. But I had been there with Ben, and I could understand that fear … I just never thought that it had been holding him back so much until that moment. That was also the only time Jordan would be able to speak with my family. That was the time he had to ask my father for his blessing in asking my hand in marriage. Looking back at how excited I was and how I had expected him to do it, it’s hard to watch. Seeing how Jordan was struggling and still questioning, it’s not easy.
ROBBY AND FAMILY
I knew my family would love Robby and that he would fit right in. There was something about the way that Robby talked about loving me that felt like nothing could ever go wrong. There was a feeling of security with him that I really cherished, and I knew my family would feel it too. Watching Robby pulled aside both of my parents for their blessing is really emotional to watch back. To see my parents light up and become so moved, it really breaks my heart. That was the moment I had wanted to see with Jordan.
At that point I could not have been more confused.
That afternoon, sitting down with my family after Robby left, was so hard. It was painful to feel so torn still and to feel like I hadn’t found the clarity I was looking for. My family loved both of these men, but they felt like Robby was the better man for me. Robby was the one who came in and asked for my parents blessing and spoke about marriage.
I remember how heartbreaking the moment was when my family told me Jordan didn’t ask for their blessing. What did that mean? Why wouldn’t he? We had stayed up talking in the Fantasy Suite about a future and marriage, and he told me how important that moment was for him. I knew my family was looking out for me because they know my history with insecurity in relationships, but I also knew they could see just how much I wasn’t willing rule Jordan out. There was something still pulling me to him, even though I was more confused then ever. I remember just crying into my mother’s arms, just praying that I would be able to make the right choice in the end.
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LAST DATE WITH ROBBY
Going into my last date with Robby, and being as confused as I still was … there was so much riding on it.
Our final date took place on this gorgeous secluded beach. It kind of represented the way he’d always made me feel, like in any setting, the only thing that ever mattered with us. That is the kind of love that Robby gives. I remember sitting on that beach and hearing how he was already envisioning us 10 years down the road with kids and a house. It was an amazing feeling to feel that loved and that safe, especially a few days away from having to make a life changing decision. But sitting on that beach and going into that evening with him that night, I continued to wonder … Even though the life Robby would give me sounds perfect, would it perfect for me?
I still had another man who loved me and I loved him … which love would be the forever love? I went to sleep that night so anxious. More anxious then ever because it was the last time I would see Robby before that final day … that final day where at that moment in time I still didn’t know what I was going to do.
LAST DATE WITH JORDAN
Going into my final date with Jordan I had so many questions on my mind. Why hadn’t he asked my parents for their blessing?
My family adored Jordan, but they had felt like he wasn’t as ready in comparison to Robby. That final date with Jordan was amazing. We paddled through these gorgeous caves that led into this private beach. That date was made for us. I remember thinking if he was going to be the one, we would always live a life of adventure.
Also at this point, I think Jordan had become my best friend. But unlike how I felt with Robby, I didn’t feel as safe or secure. When Jordan and I finally sat down to talk about how it went with my family I felt like I didn’t get the answers I had been looking for. I left that day feeling unsettled and scared.
I knew how Jordan felt about me, and going into our date that evening I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t have any more questions or was uncertain. I couldn’t help or change what he was ready for, but I could control the questions I needed cleared up and walking into that evening I was ready to put it all on the table.
When Jordan opened up to me and gave me his word on what he wanted and was ready for it was everything that I needed. I never doubted his love, I only worried his own fear could get in his way. Leaving that evening I felt better, but I was left now with deciding between the two loves that I had found.
• For more on The Bachelorette, including exclusive photos and updates from JoJo Fletcher, pick up this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday
I didn’t sleep that final night. I tossed and turned and ultimately knew, when sunrise came, where my heart was. I knew that day would be one of the happiest of my life, but I also had to prepare myself for breaking the heart of a man whom at the time I still loved. And that tore me up inside.
When I received those letters it really made the decisions I was about to make so much more real. The message inside of Jordan’s letter was everything I had wanted from him. To hear that he wanted to make things right and had received a blessing from my father. To know that my family supported him and our union was something I had been missing ever since that day they met him.
Both Jordan and Robby open their hearts to me. Both of these men, I knew, could make me happy. But I knew only one of them was meant to be, only one of these men I had known deep in my heart and soul was the one.
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Saying goodbye to Robby was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I had loved this man.
I remember that moment so well, hearing him tell me how much he loved me and expressing his devotion to me was absolutely heartbreaking. I know that he could have made me happy. But I knew that the love he had for me, it just wasn’t the same love I had for him. My heart was somewhere else.
I never wanted Robby to question what we had, or have him ever think that he was alone in our relationship. I decided to tell him in that final moment that I did love him. I wanted to give him that clarity, and in a way, closure. I never wanted him to walk away with questions or regret. I wanted him to know I had loved him, I just didn’t have that forever love with him.
That last moment with Robby was full of sadness. To see him in so much pain and sorrow broke my heart. I know I made the right choice for me, but saying goodbye to the type of love that Robby gives, and to break the heart of a man capable of that love, was heartbreaking.
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Hearing Jordan’s beautiful proposal was the best feeling I’ve ever had. Those words were everything I ever wanted on the day that I would be accepting a proposal. I also couldn’t wait to tell Jordan that I finally loved him! It was an unbelievable feeling to finally let the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with know how I felt.
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The moment he got down on one knee, I have to be honest: I think I blacked out. I just had an overwhelming sense of happiness and love. It truly was one of the greatest moments of my life. The love that Jordan and I exchanged on that final day in Thailand has only grown stronger with each day since. This journey hasn’t been the easiest, but my God, it was worth it! I cannot wait to marry this amazing man!!!