Bachelor Nation, the time is nigh.
On May 12, ABC officially announced the 26 men who will be competing for JoJo Fletcher‘s love on the upcoming season of The Bachelorette – so naturally, we sat down and hand-picked five men that immediately stole our hearts … and five that … wellllll … not so much.
First things first, though – behold, the group shot.
There’s a lot we need to talk about here: Why is that man dressed as Santa? Isn’t he warm? What about the guy in the kilt? Also, is it just a weird angle or do those three guys front and center look particularly short? But shout-out to the guy in the tan suit. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.
And now, let’s dive in. Get excited, people – if the cast bios tells us anything at all, it’s that this season is going to be a good one.
This is Jordan Rodgers. His brother is Aaron Rodgers, a.k.a. professional NFL star and Green Bay Packers quarterback. (And by the way, Jordan also played professional football.)
We like Jordan a lot because of a.) his perfect face, b.) his perfect hair and c.) his bio was actually solid. (He loves it when his date wants to “do something spontaneous,” but he hates it when a girl “doesn’t want to eat in front of me.” Aw, he’s perfect. A+! Pick him, JoJo!)
Derek is a 6’3″ commercial banker and his eyes are legitimately soul-piercing. Plus, he has a “thirst for knowledge and learning,” “compassion for others” and is looking for someone “ready to give as much as I will to make life fun and fulfilled.” (If you don’t want him JoJo, can we have him?)
Is it just us or does Grant kind of look like that “Hot Convict” Jeremy Meeks? He might have the same chiseled jaw, but he’s far from a criminal: he’s a firefighter!
His greatest achievement to date is “saving a life” and he says “even if I’m just hooking up with a girl, I still do cute stuff for them all the time” – so he’s basically perfect.
4. James Taylor
James Taylor is a singer/songwriter – because of course he is. He also has an American flag and eagle tattoos and describes himself as a “party-starter all day,” so he sounds like a good time. James Taylor also considers himself a romantic and loves “making a girl smile,” which makes us smile, so there you have it.
Christian just looks like the kind of guy you want to be friends with, right?
He prides himself on his “work ethic” and “ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people,” hates it when girl are “extremely high-maintenance and snobby,” and can’t wait to spoil his grandchildren.
He also has two cats but no dogs because his “ex took my Chihuahua,” which is an abomination. Give the man his Chihuahua back!
THE ‘WORST IMPRESSION’ ROSES
Guys, we need to talk about Evan. Evan is an “erectile dysfunction expert,” and if that wasn’t enough for you to write him off completely, perhaps his “relationship deal-breakers” might help: “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.”
Evan, food allergies aren’t a choice, so please go home. Also you try maintaining a perfect manicure for more than three days and then we can talk.
You might look at Chad and think: Chad looks alright. Chad’s a pretty good-looking guy. Chad has nice arms. I don’t hate Chad. – but then you 1.) remember Chad is JoJo’s ex-boyfriend’s name and 2.) read his bio.
No, this is not JoJo’s actual ex-boyfriend, but he does quote Matthew McConaughey‘s “alright, alright, alright” catchphrase three times in his bio, which is three times too many.
And his greatest achievement to date? “Being born good looking.” Goodbye, Chad.
Brandon listed his occupation as “hipster.” That is all.
4. Nick S.
At first glance it looks like Nick S. might be wearing two polos, but he’s actually wearing a polo and a bandana around his neck, which quite frankly might be even worse.
Nick also once chased a mountain lion, which is just a terrible idea, and he dislikes “scary cheeses.” But everybody knows the stinkier the cheese, the better the cheese! Get it together, man.
Wells! You were so close yet so far.
Wells has a great smile, but why is he wearing all those pins? Strike one. Wells is also a radio DJ, so strike two, and he doesn’t like pizza, so we’re going to have to ask him to sit this one out. Thanks for coming, Wells.
The Bachelorette premieres Monday at 9 p.m. ET ABC.