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Are you #TeamCorn?

By Aurelie Corinthios
January 30, 2017 10:00 PM
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Bachelor nation, rejoice: It’s the week of the dreaded two-on-one date. Well, dreaded for the contestants, highly entertaining for us. Even more exciting? Our girl Corinne‘s on it … but we’ll get to that in a bit.

ROSE CEREMONY

We picked up where we left off last week, with the Great Emotional Intelligence Debate of 2017 and Corinne threatening to punch Taylor in the face. Taylor told Corinne that multiple women in the house have questioned her maturity, and Corinne was like: Fine, but maturity is different than emotional intelligence, HA! (Is it different though? Methinks not.)

After their fight, Corinne took Nick aside and informed him that Taylor is “not very nice” and “isn’t here for the right reasons.” Nick was kind of just like: Okay, cool, now can we make out? Where’s the whipped cream at?

Then it was time for the rose ceremony, and it was so cold in damn Waukesha that you could actually see the breath of these poor shivering women. They all looked completely and utterly miserable, including Taylor, who accepted her rose with about as much enthusiasm as one has when faced with a colonoscopy.

Josephine — stop looking so surprised every time Nick calls your name. You’re going to make him change his mind!!!

Sarah and Astrid were sent home. Another win for #TeamCorn.

Important side note: Nick’s Waukesha episode last week aired the very same day HBO premiered Beware the Slenderman, a documentary about two 12-year-old girls that tried to stab another 12-year-old girl to death in a forest in Waukesha. … So, yeah. Let that one sink in.

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ONE-ON-ONE WITH RACHEL

This week’s one-on-one date was with Rachel, who has fantastic arms and is actually very smart, well-spoken and likable. Rachel and Nick spent the day exploring New Orleans, shopping, eating oysters and beignets, line dancing through the streets and making out. Rachel wore sneakers. Go Rachel!

RACHEL, NICK VIALL

That evening, they had dinner in some sort of Mardi Gras float garage, which is only slightly more romantic than it sounds. Rachel opened up about her family, which prompted Nick to admit that he kind of regrets the fact that he’s already asked two fathers for their daughter’s hand in marriage on national television. … Yeah, not gonna lie, not the best fun fact.

Rachel: “I don’t believe in fairytales, but I believe in today, and today was a fairytale.”

K. Anyway, she got the rose.

GROUP DATE

The group date consisted of Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine and Danielle L. … meaning the two-on-one was going to be Corinne and Taylor, because duh. Any Bachelor fan knows they always have to pit the two contestants that despise each other the most against one another because it makes fantastic television.

The women met Nick at a haunted house, which is apparently “one of the most haunted houses in all of Louisiana.” Sounds legit. The house is supposedly haunted by a little girl named May who is constantly searching for her little doll.

This date sucked. These ladies didn’t come on The Bachelor to play with Ouija boards in some dusty old living room — they came for private concerts, yachts and helicopter rides.

Anyway, let’s skip all the scripted spooky s— and whack special effects and talk about the fact that Raven told Nick that she FELL IN LOVE with him after he sang something from The Little Mermaid on their last date.

Raven: “It made my heart pitter-patter when we shared that moment. That’s when I knew.”

Anyway, Danielle M. got the group date rose.

TWO-ON-ONE WITH TAYLOR AND CORINNE

If I have to hear the words “emotional intelligence” ONE MORE TIME I’m going to scream.

Corinne: “It’s really sad that Taylor can’t read other signs of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?”

Taylor and Corinne’s car ride to meet Nick in the bayou was. so. uncomfortable. How long was that drive? How long did they sit in silence for? That poor cameraman.

Of course they stuck Corinne, who proved last week she legitimately hates the outdoors, in the middle of a mosquito-infested forest.

The date started with a voodoo priestess promising to “bring the truth to the surface” before introducing them to a reader, who performed a reading on Taylor while Corinne and Nick had some alone time. Corinne decided to use her time with Nick to talk about her issues with Taylor.

Corinne: “She emotionally attacked me.”

Nick: “Okay. Really?”

Corinne: “She basically called me stupid.”

Nick: “How did that make you feel?”

Corinne: “Bullied.”

It’s weird because Nick talks to Corinne the way a nice teacher might talk to a 5th grader, but also makes out with her five seconds later.

Then it was time for Corinne’s reading and Taylor’s one-on-one time with Nick. Nick decided to address the drama, informing Taylor that Corinne had just said Taylor bullied her and called her stupid. Taylor kind of defended herself, but also didn’t exactly argue that Corinne wasn’t stupid.

When Taylor joined Corinne back at the reading table, the tension was so intense it was exhilarating. The two got into a back-and-forth about what Corinne had told Nick and Corinne said she couldn’t believe Taylor was a mental health counselor and then Taylor said she couldn’t believe Corinne runs a multi-million dollar company. Zing!

Right at that opportune moment, Nick slid back into his seat in between the two of them and was faced with the highly unpleasant task of eliminating one woman right then and there.

Nick: “I think you both know after today how important it is for me to feel like I have that emotional connection with someone that I’m going to spend a life with. So, Corinne, will you accept this rose?”

OMG NICK WITH THE “EMOTIONAL CONNECTION” LINE AFTER THE WHOLE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE DEBATE. Wow. Taylor just got rocked.

Taylor’s face when Nick picked Corinne was absolutely incredible. She literally didn’t utter a single word, Nick didn’t even both to walk her out, it was so uncomfortable but so, so good. This is why we watch The Bachelor, people. *kisses fingers like an Italian chef*

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Nick and Corinne went off to enjoy some romantic dinner somewhere and Taylor was forced to stay in the forest until it was dark out and partake in some voodoo ritual. Why? Why did she agree to this?

Oh yeah, because then they let her go back to interrupt Nick and Corinne … in the middle of their date.

Stay tuned for how that one shakes out.

The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.