Let’s just admit it: This season of The Bachelor was starting to get boring. Corinne’s antics, as entertaining as they are, can only carry us through so many episodes, and we needed some new developments to keep our interest piqued. Well, luckily for us, the Bachelor gods heard our prayers and this week, they delivered.
CORINNE’S DATE, CONTINUED
We picked up where we left off last week, with Taylor returning to interrupt Nick and Corinne’s date to fight for another chance after having been sent home on the two-on-one date. Taylor gave Nick a whole speech about how Corinne is supposedly a huge liar, which served absolutely zero purpose, because Nick just proceeded to send Taylor home, again.
Corinne: “Today I learned that cats have nine lives, and that bitches have two.”
Let’s get that on a T-shirt.
At this point, there were 12 women left and three had already secured roses for the week: Corinne, Danielle M. and Rachel.
The women were all extremely anxious for the cocktail party, desperate for a little more time with Nick — so of course, the cocktail party was promptly canceled and they were sent straight into the rose ceremony.
Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine and Whitney all received roses, which meant Jaimi, Josephine and Alexis were sent home. Not saying Jaimi’s purple lipstick ended her Bachelor journey but it probably didn’t help, either. And Alexis! Oh, Alexis. Gone but not forgotten. She wore a dolphin suit for you, Nick. And a fake baby bump. She celebrated her boob birthday! She faced her crippling Nicholas Cage fear! You keep that dolphin snout up, Alexis. You’ll find love soon enough.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH KRISTINA
Following the rose ceremony, Nick and the remaining nine women traveled to St. Thomas for the week. That’s S.T. T.H.O.M.A.S., an island in the U.S. Virgin Islands, in case you missed the 178 times it was mentioned.
Corinne: “I’m glad that Taylor’s not here in St. Thomas. She was very stressful. My emotional intelligence this week is exhausted. Today, I’m just going to take it easy and drink champagne in bed.”
Corinne is all of us.
The first girl to score a one-on-one in S.T. T.H.O.M.A.S. was Kristina. The rest of the women were pretty bummed about this, especially Jasmine, who literally can’t even because she hasn’t gotten her own one-on-one yet. But we’ll get to that.
Nick and Kristina’s dinner date got pretty intense because she finally opened up about growing up in Russia and to say she had a rough childhood would be an understatement. Like, she actually ate lipstick because she was so hungry. Then her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 5 years old, and she moved into an orphanage. When the time came for her to move to the U.S. to be with her adoptive parents, she realized that if she stayed in Russia, her life would “be in black and white,” but if she went to America, her life would “be in color.” Wow, even The Bachelor was politically relevant this week.
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GROUP DATE DISASTER
This week’s group date was with Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M. and Jasmine. This meant that Nick would be sending Danielle L. and Whitney on a two-on-one date — a highly unusual move for several reasons. First of all, they had just had a two-on-one last week, and back-to-back two-on-ones aren’t common. Second of all, Danielle L. had gone on a one-on-one not too long ago, so for her to be sent directly into a two-on-one implied Nick wasn’t sure about his feelings for her. Third of all, Whitney had never even had a one-on-one with Nick, so she really got the short end of the stick here.
But back to the group date, because this is where things really started to derail for Nick. What was intended to be a fun, playful group date — a game of three-on-three beach volleyball — turned into a disaster of epic proportions. Corinne was wasted, Jasmine was over it, and pretty much every girl ended up crying in a corner alone because they were tired of fighting for Nick’s attention. Also, they had just been forced to play volleyball in their bikinis on national television. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
During the evening portion of the group date, Nick really tried to turn things around but alas, it only got worse. The women were exhausted and miserable and p—ed off. But like, why are they all complaining about going on group dates and having to fight for one man’s attention? Are they not aware that is the very premise of this show?
It was at around this point in the evening that Jasmine started to spiral into a dizzying, dark hole. Either she’s the victim of some very unfortunate editing, or literally a single second did not go by without her bemoaning the fact that Nick was “overlooking” her.
When the time finally came for her to sit down with Nick, she was already too far gone and started to talk in nonsensical circles. Nick, who cannot hide his emotions to save his life, spent the entire conversation looking like he was in severe physical pain. Then Jasmine, in what could only have been a moment of true desperation, took things to a whole other level of crazy.
Jasmine: I’m gonna put you in the chokey. *Grabs him violently by the neck* Do you want me to show you? Get on top of you, like, straddle you?
Nick: No, not even a little.
Jasmine: Never gotten a chokey before? No girl has ever done that to you? Okay, great. I’ll be the first. You want me to do it? Right now?
Nick: No. I’m not into that.
Jasmine: I’ll save it.
Nick: Okay. You save it.
That interaction really happened and Jasmine was swiftly sent home. See you in Paradise, girl.
TWO-ON-ONE WITH WHITNEY AND DANIELLE L.
The next morning, Nick woke up feeling pretty bummed because the group date was such a s— show. Sadly, he was about to find himself in an even more uncomfortable situation.
After meeting up with Whitney and Danielle, Nick and the two women took a helicopter to a private beach. First he took Whitney, who is the human incarnation of vanilla bean ice cream, down the beach for some alone time. Then he took Danielle aside, before asking her to wait a second and running back over to Whitney. Honestly, at this point, it was extremely hard to tell who he would be sending home because he looked equally miserable with both women — but ultimately, it was Whitney who got the boot. And yes, watching Nick trying to find the right words to dump her after having told her moments before that she was exquisitely beautiful was truly brutal. Why do they always leave the two-on-one loser stranded at some remote location? Isn’t losing bad enough?
Now typically, the winner of a two-on-one date will go on to enjoy an evening with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, who will in turn offer them a rose. This was simply not the case for Danielle.
Danielle: “I’ve learned a lot about you and where we’re at and we are on the same page right now. So I guess I just want to let you know I feel like those feelings are even stronger after today and I am falling in love with you.”
Nick: *studiously avoids any eye contact whatsoever*
SERIOUSLY PLEASE SAY SOMETHING NICK THIS IS ALMOST UNWATCHABLE.
Anyway, he sent her home right then and there — and then made his way straight to the women’s hotel room, where he immediately started crying because he was scared that, much like with Jasmine, Whitney and Danielle, his relationships with the remaining women might crash and burn in a similar fashion. And he doesn’t know if he can “keep doing this.”
It all ends in tears anyway, right?
The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.