Plus, Caila and Jared finally leave together

By Aurelie Corinthios
Updated August 30, 2016 09:00 PM
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Rick Rowell/ABC

We’re almost at the finish line, and paradise is definitely not yet found.

On Tuesday’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise one couple packed their bags, new connections sparked and Wells got more female attention than he’s gotten in his 31 years. Let’s break it down.

CAILA AND JARED LEAVE TOGETHER

After Ashley and Caila had what felt like their 17th incredibly passive aggressive confrontation on Monday night’s episode, Caila finally decided she had enough.

She informed Jared that she was going to be leaving and he briefly toyed with the idea of leaving with her. Then, of course, he went running over to Ashley to make sure it was okay with her first. Grow a pair, Jared.

Ashley and Jared had another one of their “fights,” which consisted of Ashley sobbing hysterically and Jared getting a tiny bit angry but never actually calling her out for acting insane.

Anyway, Jared eventually did leave with Caila. Good for him, and good for us because this was one love triangle we did not ask for.

Ashley: I’m going to miss Jared. It sucks, but life goes on!

Oh suddenly you’re so chill about it all Ashley???

RELATED VIDEO: Bachelor in Paradise Star Caila Quinn Dishes on Ashley I. Drama

WELLS AND JAMIE RETURN FROM THEIR DATE

Wells came back from his date with Jamie and they walked in holding hands. Old Ashley would have thrown a fit but new Ashley is super chill, so she acted like this was no big deal and told Wells to basically just enjoy himself and explore his options in Paradise. Wells was appropriately skeptical of new Ashley.

Wells: You seem so rational and normal and I’m so confused?

Spoiler alert: It’s a trap, Wells.

LAUREN AND SHUSHANNA ARRIVE

The next morning, Jamie and Ashley were both throwing themselves at Wells as gracefully as they could without physically sitting in his lap.

Ashley: I’m taking this situation more seriously than Jamie because Wells is the guy I got over Jared with.

Okay, Ashley. Sure.

Wells, on his end, was basking in the sudden downpour of female attention, so of course ABC decided to throw two more women into the mix. Enter Shushanna and Lauren from Ben‘s season, a.k.a. the Russian girl that barely speaks English and the Lauren that didn’t win.

Much to-do was made over the new arrivals. Brett the Lamp Guy thinks Lauren is “scrumptious” and wants to “eat her up,” which is just gross. Izzy, what were you thinking dumping Vinny for this guy?

Wells was secretly hoping neither woman would ask him out because his “feeble little brain” couldn’t handle a third woman being added to his already-crowded harem. His words, not ours, but agreed. You’ve bitten off far more than you can chew, Wells.

Shushanna is not here to play games. She immediately pulls Wells aside and when he jokingly warns her about the crabs in her shower she says: “You’ll protect me. I’ll take you to the shower.”

Of course the line worked: Shushanna ended up asking out Wells. Lauren asked out Lamp Guy. Karma’s a bitch, Izzy.

DOUBLE DATE WITH BRETT, LAUREN, WELLS AND SHUSHANNA

For their double date, Lauren, Brett, Shushanna and Wells went surfing, or as Brett put it, he brought his “bitches to the beaches.” Ugh.

Was Lauren on Quaaludes or something? She was slurring like crazy, but Lamp Guy didn’t mind. Lamp Guy loves lamp and he also loves to make out with Lauren.

Shushanna is a god-awful surfer but that didn’t matter one bit because she was wearing a thong bikini. Like we said, girl knows what she’s doing.

Wells thinks Shushanna is like a “sexy Bond villain that you’re not sure if she’s going to cast some spell on you or murder you or rip your clothes off.” Honestly, very accurate description.

Just look at him. Look at the fear in those eyes.

[IMAGE “1” “” “std” ]I HATE THAT SHUSHANNA’S NICKNAME IS “SHOE.” I HATE IT.

AMANDA AND JOSH DATE

Meanwhile, back at the house things were still tense between Nick and Josh after last night’s blowout.

Evan: I think deep down they each despise each other.

WOW EVAN THANKS FOR THAT GROUNDBREAKING REVELATION. (Also how many times are you going to pop a boner in front of Carly??? You are a grown ass man.)

That being said, Josh and Amanda were doing just fine and even got to enjoy a night out together after Amanda got a date card. Josh calls Amanda “baby” way too much but that doesn’t matter because she’s in love with him and who doesn’t want to make out under fireworks.

Amanda: I’m a good judge of character and I’m a smart girl. I trust you and I’m so happy.
Josh: Me too, baby. Now let me take this pizza to the face.

WELL, WELL, WELLS

Wells got back from his date with Shushanna and proceeded to make out with both Jamie and Ashley back at the house that same night.

Shushanna, to Ashley: He’s a good kisser. You should kiss him!

SMDH foreign girl doesn’t get how this show works.

Stay tuned. The Bachelor in Paradise two-part finale airs Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.