Ashley and Jared's tormented love story began in Mexico last year

By Aurelie Corinthios
August 16, 2016 09:00 PM

Are we stuck in some sort of sick, twisted time warp? Do the gods have no mercy? Will we be resigned to write about Ashley I. crying over Jared on Bachelor in Paradise every summer for the rest of our lives? Because somehow it’s August 2016 and we have found ourselves in the exact same place almost a year to the very day that Ashley first graced our screens with her tear-soaked presence to pine over Jared for reasons we cannot comprehend.

Long story short: Ashley’s back. She still wants Jared, and – spoiler alert, hold onto your seats here, people – Jared still doesn’t want her. No, this time, Jared wants Caila. And Ashley isn’t happy. Let’s begin.

Ashley arrived in Paradise talking a very big talk about how she’s grown and matured and only plans on crying *three* times in Paradise because she’s a big girl now, okay?

Oh, Ashley. We love you, we really do – but Jared is Just. Not. That. Into. You. And he never will be.

via GIPHY

So Ashley came in and the first thing out of her mouth to Jared was “don’t kill me,” which really shouldn’t be an expectation you have when approaching your love interest of over a year, but yet here we are.

Then Jared told her he’s “kind of hanging out with Caila” – in other words, he really, really likes Caila – and that’s when Ashley effing lost it.

Now, she lost it because A) she’s in love with Jared and wants him for herself, but also because B) it turns out Caila had explicitly promised her before the show started that she wouldn’t go after Jared.

Yes, this really happened. The two women hung out before going to Paradise and Ashley, like the little love dictator she apparently is, made Caila vow to not ever pursue Jared if she decided to go to Paradise. At the time Caila had never met Jared and it was very easy for her to make this promise because, as she supposedly claimed, “Jared’s just not my type.”

An undetermined amount of time later, Caila decided to go to Paradise, didn’t tell Ashley she was going, got to Paradise and immediately asked Jared out on a date. So, your call on who’s in the wrong here – the girl who tried to stop another girl from dating a man she has no legitimate claim over, or the girl who promised she wouldn’t go for said man and then went for him.

Ashley could not stop crying. Literally 10 minutes into Paradise and this girl was a wreck. Hey, at least she’s consistent. Good to have you back, Ashley!

via GIPHY

After wandering around the house crying for some time, Ashley decided to confront Caila about this horrific act of “backstabbing.” Caila was decent enough at pretending she felt bad but really she was kind of just like: Sorry, not sorry.

Et tu, Caila???

via GIPHY

Then Ashley confronted Jared, who would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

Ashley: “I didn’t think Caila was going to hurt me like this. She told me she would never, ever go out with you. Caila ruined everything and she’s a backstabbing WHORE of a friend!!!”
Jared: *searches desperately for nearest cliff to jump off of*

Because no other guys in the house were really available except for Daniel and Nick, whom she’s good friends with, Ashley was forced to take Daniel out on her date.

Nick: “I’m kind of weirdly excited. Not really sure what happens when you put an alien and a virgin together.”

Well, sadly no out-of-this-world sex was had, but it was still a pretty entertaining date. Daniel, for his part, was absolutely captivated by the fact that Ashley is a virgin.

Daniel: “The fact that she’s a virgin is kind of a big turn-on. Makes me feel like maybe I’m the right guy, and I could deflower this American beauty. Does she want Canadian sex? Does she want some Canadian bacon? With maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine.”

^All real quotes.

Ashley: “I’m the ‘virgin that cries a lot.’ And you know what? It’s kind of rude. Why does that make me weak?”
Daniel: “People are just jelly of you.”

Daniel is the best person on this show, hands down.

Aaaaaand cue an entire Aztec tribal dance crew to pick Ashley’s chair up off the ground and carry her away while chanting about virgin sacrifice. Honestly, there’s nowhere this show won’t go.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Nick was utterly miserable, pathetic and alone – but not for long, because here comes that hot girl from Ben Higgins‘ season of The Bachelor whose name no one can remember.

Well, her name is Jen and she’s very pretty. Nick notes that Jen has a gracefulness to her, which is a good way to describe her. Yes, Jen is very graceful and she also has really nice … eyes.

Nick and Jen spent the day flirting with each other on a yacht and making out on a crab-infested beach. Hope that’s not a sign or anything.

So remember on last night’s episode when they randomly called a medic to assist Evan for no apparent reason? Well, tonight he went to the hospital – but don’t worry, it’s still for no apparent reason.

So we learned that Evan has been taking medication for his ankles and it’s been making him feel “kind of funny.”

Even though he claimed he could take care of himself, a kind Mexican woman – whom we suspect might be posing as a licensed medical professional for the purpose of this storyline – insisted Evan needed to go to the hospital despite the fact that he had no injuries and was walking, talking and functioning perfectly fine.

Evan decided this was the perfect opportunity for Carly to really bask in the full extent of his unbridled manliness and asked her to accompany him to the hospital for his mild ankle pain treatment.

Did that doctor seriously just ask them to turn the light on in the ambulance because “sorry, I’m blind”??? Very concerned if this is a real doctor.

WHY did Carly ask to see inside Evan’s ears at the hospital? "I’ve always wanted to know what it looks like!" BUT WHY? WHO DOES THAT?

Evan’s arm was covered in blood from a single IV. Guess this doctor wasn’t kidding about her eyesight.

Anyway, now Carly is into Evan again. She’s “re-boarded the Evan train” and it reeks of desperation in there.

At this point, the twins, Ashley and Sarah were all on the chopping block.

Jared was desperately trying to make sure Caila didn’t get scared off by Ashley’s antics. He’s about to be SO MAD if she screws this up for him.

Ashley got some tough love from Nick, and of course she reacted perfectly rationally.

Nick: “This isn’t love. It’s infatuation and obsession.”
Ashley: “It’s LOVE!!!”
Nick: “No it’s not. Not even close. You will never be with Jared.”
Ashley: "YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT!!!"

And she wasn’t done – next, she sat down with Jared to cry and beg some more.

Ashley: “I’m sorry. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. I’ve never felt that way so it’s hard to let it go. I always had hope and I should never have had it. How am I supposed to find another you???
Jared: “This f—ing sucks, man.”

Ashley, you’ve got to get it together here. We’re rooting for ya.

Bachelor in Paradise returns Monday, followed by an all-new episode Tuesday, both at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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